Do you see what a powerful thing belief can be

Concepts for Conscious Living

"Do you see what a powerful thing belief can be -- that in fact it's really through your own choice you've decided you can do the one thing but not the other?" 
The Magic Circle, Katherine Neville

I've got a pile of client stories around this concept -- the idea of the self-limiting power of our beliefs --  but I'll just tell you one. I am working with a  new client who works for a public utility up here in Ontario. (I'm trying to remember, from my formative years spent in the States, whether "Ma Bell" has the same meaning to Americans as to Canadians.) For all of us, world wide, then, this guy works for a "Ma Bell-like" company. The belief associated with all "Ma Bell-like" companies is: "This is a company that cares about her workers. Get a job here and you are set for life."

I hear bells ringing in heads around the world, as well as nods of understanding. We all know where this story is going.

My client believed this rule to be true about his company. Then, the utility ran into trouble, punishment rained down from on high, he took it personally, and he's been on sick leave since last November. He has much anger over what's happened. But he describes himself as depressed, not angry. Rather than believe that the company has changed and is now engaged in destructive management policies, he assumes he is flawed. He wants me to teach him to be "more controlled." Needless to say, I have demurred.

The system he is operating under is a variant of the "ancient" belief, "work hard, do your job, and you'll have the same job for life." This was something people believed back in the Dark Ages, prior to 1980 or so.

Because my client still deeply believes this, (despite the fact he can talk, on an intellectual level, about how screwed up the company is,) at the emotional level he sees himself as the culprit. He thinks that "men" should be able to cope, yet he thinks he'll die if he goes back to the stress of work.  Notwithstanding his intellect knowing he is not to blame, his emotional attachment to "the rules" means he can see no palatable outcome. The best he can come up with is for me to teach him to take more, so he can go back to work. Do you see how his beliefs are limiting his choices?

Pretty good illustration of how a rigid belief can catch up with us. The pain connected with this, you would think, would be more than enough to get us to change our belief. Yet, rather than challenge the belief, we are drawn to do even more of what has hurt us. Why? Because we trust the belief more than our experience of the results of that belief.

Another way of putting this is, 
Argue for your limits and they are yours.

To carry on with the above illustration, my client is also caught in the "rules" about how men are "supposed" to behave. Thus, his sadness and tears, to him, seemed inappropriate. (He's actually  started to work his way through this part, feeling somewhat more comfortable with his tears.) 

Another sticking point seems to be "I'm a supervisor at work. One of my jobs was to get people off of sick leave. Now, here I am, almost a year into sick leave. I should go back to work and tough it out."

Well, yes and no. He can't just go back to work. He first has to re-set his beliefs about work and about his identity. If his beliefs remain the same and he goes back, he will inevitably repeat what happened nine months ago. 

My point:  the company changed and this wasn't his fault, so beating up on himself is not a solution. Nor is his issue the company. His issue is how he is dealing with the situations in his life. He needs to sort himself out, not try to get "work" to behave.

I gave him a copy of my book, Living Life in Growing Orbits, and suggested he read the description pages, for the moment skipping the exercises. (He's having trouble completing projects of any size.) In our last session, he asked me if we could sit and discuss what I am saying in the book, as he thinks there is something there he should know, that could change things, and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity. This is strong indication that he knows he needs to do internal work, in order to come to a new understanding.

So, I discussed (as we have, two weeks ago) Rock Beliefs, which is where he's sticking right now, and will next lead him to Water Situations, which is week two in my book. Go to the website and read this page.

Water Situations are examples in our life that fly in the face of what we believe to be true (Rock Beliefs). Just as in a contest between rock and water, water always wins, when we begin to understand that we are limited by our beliefs, not by outside forces, AND understand that the solution to the limitation is a change of belief, AND actually make that change, we escape the limit.

I know. It's not easy to admit that we choose each and every one of our behaviours. We choose what we think we can do, and emphatically we choose what we will not do. As I repeat often, we all work at this (all the time!!!) by digging out what we believe. As we allow ourselves to unearth and verbalize what we've been told by others, and as we verbalize what we've done with those rules, we get the opportunity to decide what is helpful, as opposed to what was helpful for someone else. (In the example, above, we must ask -- of how much value is my client's belief that "If I work hard, the company will look after me?" – his father gave him that rule – he worked for the same company, prior to his death.)

Limiting behaviours are easy to find, as they are always protected under the rubric of "There's nothing I can do about that. It's just how I am, (or "it is.")" or, "It's my parent's fault. They made me the way I am." It's as if we believe we are compelled to do this thing, against our will. 

Water stories remind us that nothing is graven in stone. As we look at these stories we can then make the leap that anything that gets in our way originates in our own perception. Far from spending our lives, then, changing the whole world, we can look at changing our approach to the situation, and changing the rule(s) that got us messed up in the first place. (See this week's letter.)

Limiting behaviours, like any behaviour, are habits. Any habit can change, if only we choose to pay attention, and turn around and go another way.

This week, look at the things you think you must do, or can never do. Then, burn the list.