…you'll always get what you've always got

Concepts for Conscious Living

If you always do what you've always done, 
and always think what you've always thought, 
you'll always get what you've always got.

This is one of those "truisms" that cause us to go, "Well, duh!" And yet, repetitive thinking and behaviour is likely more the norm for us than most of us would care to admit.

One client I'm working with is a successful business person, who set as a goal having a certain amount of money in investments by the time he reached 50. It now appears he'll meet his goal by age 47. In the mean time, his relationship with his wife and teenage kids is in the dumper. More often than not, he'll come to a session with a variant on the following:

"I came home and my son was lying on the couch, watching TV. I yelled at him and told him he was lazy. Then, my wife yelled at me for yelling at my son, and I got madder and yelled at her for yelling at me for yelling at my son, and she left the room, and I went for a walk."

I then ask him what his intention is for his relationships. He replies, "I want to have a good relationship with my family, but they don't cooperate." I  ask, "Have you ever gotten what you want by yelling at them?" He says, "No, but I'd be shirking my responsibility as a husband and father if I let this stuff slide."

Now, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to unpack this one. As the quote for the week says, we need to look at what the person thinks, and what the person does.

Often, we get it into our heads that there is only one way of looking at a situation. Our assumption is that the way we are seeing things is right, rather than just the way we are choosing to see it. As opposed to looking at our choices as  choices -- and evaluating our choices on the basis of results.

Let's take a look at a couple of the themes that occur in the above story. The first idea is the old saw that  money buys happiness.

This guy made a commitment to himself, when he was in his 20's, to achieve a certain level of financial security by age 50. He set this as his all-consuming goal; he conducts his business to achieve this goal. Thus, he will be willing to work ton of overtime to meet the goal, and expects his family to understand that the goal he set is for their well-being too.

They just want their father, her husband, to be a part of their lives.

Lest you think it's as simply about money, he also indicated that his will stipulates that his family will split the money evenly when he dies. He said, "Then they'll know how much I loved them and how much I sacrificed for them."

They want their father, her husband, to love them now, while he is alive.

We see here how thinking can get skewed. The person's thinking makes sense to the person to whom it makes sense. The fatal leap is that it also makes sense to everyone else. 

Here's a thought:

If I have a belief that I think will lead to increased intimacy with someone, 
and the person moves away from me every time I implement what I believe, 
I might want to reconsider what I believe.

Instead, most of us just try harder, get more of what we don't want, so we re-double our efforts and get even more of what we don't want. Then we say, "Boy, is that person stupid. They just don't get it."

Behaviour is the manifestation of what we truly believe. If I say, "I love you," and then proceed to yell at you, call you names, criticize you, it doesn't matter what I say. My actions convey what I truly believe -- you're in need of a remedy only I can provide -- I'll make you change, and will up the volume, the violence, until you do. Then you'll know how much I love you. Yeah, right.

The point of the quote, obviously, works both ways. What we're trying to get to here is the idea that what's happening in your life, in your relationships, and of course in how you deal with yourself, is a direct result of what you think and do. While it is easier to blame others for not cooperating, the truth of the matter is that the only drama you have any chance of dealing with authentically is your own.

The homework for this week is to look at the results you are getting. If the things you say and do are getting you results you don't want, stop. Re-think what you are saying and doing, as opposed to wondering why the people around you are so thick.