About Psychotherapy

Finding Your Way

I've got a rather long quote for you today (Big surprise, right -- Wayne's got a quote…) from a book called Language, Structure and Change, by Efran, Lukens and Lukens. It's the last text in the book, in a section entitled "The Meaning of Psychotherapy."

"In therapy, two or more individuals meet and form a novel coupling that enables them to carve out new distinctions. In the process, as we have noted, they breathe life into alternatives that had no previous existence. At its best, psychotherapy begins with a particular "glitch" in a client's life and moves towards redefining and expanding the possibilities of living." (pg.197)

Today we begin a new series of articles based upon the metaphor of our lives as stories we tell ourselves. From this perspective, we begin to understand that the "glitch" described above is the point we all reach when the story we are telling ourselves is too narrow to contain the "glitching" experience.

The authors of this book often use the expression "objectivity in quotation marks." (They want us to remember to always put the word objectivity or objective in quotes, as in, "When I look at our situation "objectively," I recognize it's all your fault.")

Absolutely nothing in our lives is understood by us, nor even received by us, objectively (by this I mean devoid of any meaning that I put on it -- which is why two people can be involved in the same situation and describe it totally differently.)  Everything we sense is filtered through our previous experience. If a situation is "new," it is filtered through what we determine to be the nearest comparable situation.

Science, and especially as regards quantum physics, now regularly factors in the effect the observer has on the experiment. At the sub-atomic level, for example, you can measure either the speed or position of the particle, but not both at the same time. You decide, then you make the measurement. What you see is what you decided you wanted to see.

Let me give you an illustration. "Sue" was widowed two years ago, at age 35. "Objectively," she is just that -- a widow. Her story, however, is not that simple. On one level she still feels married. On another level, she is the grieving widow. And thirdly, she is a single woman looking to get on with her life. This is also the order she would indicate for these three identities.

"Sue", as "The widow" has a need to be held and comforted by a man. This is tricky to set up at the best of times, as a request to be held is often interpreted by males as a prelude for sex. So, she meets the need through barter. "You hold me, I'll return the favour with sex."

Having sex is OK with "The single woman," but she also wants to turn the sexual intimacy into a relationship leading to marriage. Otherwise, the sex would be "wrong."

In addition to that, "The married woman" thinks that, when she has sex, she's cheating on her dead husband.

"Objectively," pretty simple. "Sue" wants to be held. The "glitch" arises when the widow and the married woman show up on the single woman's date. Sue is actually trying to achieve something her self-definition has no room for. It's not her actions that are blocking her -- it's her interpretations -- the story she tells herself -- that get her. It should be clear that the story of "Sue's" life is not consistent nor is it broad enough.

Now, let me hasten to add that the goal of therapy (and life!!) is not to find the true, "objective" story. The point of the quote, above, and everything I've written in Into the Centre is that there is no true, "objective" reality. All there is is whatever story you are telling yourself.

And then there is the possibility, if your life seems stuck, 
that you could change your story.

This is what the authors of Language, Structure and Change, are getting at. Note the idea of "expanding possibilities." They mention "alternatives that had no previous existence." They are suggesting, as am I, that far from there being limited choices in life, the limitations we find ourselves confronting are constructions, determined in advance by the stories we tell ourselves. Or, as the expression goes, "Argue for your limitations and they are yours."

We have the potential, in dialogue, to examine and re-examine the stories of our life. We can listen to what we tell ourselves, how we describe our situation, and we can begin to understand that, far from seeing our lives objectively, we see them "objectively," and find ourselves living self-fulfilling prophecies that are limiting and limited in the extreme.

Stuart Wilde, whose tapes I love, coined the term "fringe dwellers" for those who understand about "objectivity" and personal responsibility. Charles Tart wrote a book on the same subject, called Waking Up,. Self-responsible fringe dwellers don't try to change others. They observe and change the stories they tell themselves.

The work we do at The Phoenix Centre and through Into the Centre is fringe work. We suggest waking up to your own stories, to how you determine what you believe and how you act -- waking up to how you limit yourself. We encourage you to find "alternatives that had no previous existence."

In this new series, we will discuss this idea as it applies to self-knowing and to relationships. We'll, as usual, carefully illustrate our points, and encourage you to look deeply at what you are telling yourself. 

We also encourage you to write to us with your stories, experiences and questions. And let us know what you're learning from Into the Centre. Let's dig in, and, by all means, be "objective."