No One is Coming

Finding Your Way

There’s this cute little sign on Gloria Taylor’s (my therapist and supervisor and friend – since 1978 – as I begin to feel old – hi, Gloria!) wall, which reads, in lovely calligraphy,

"No one is coming."

Now, being ex-clergy, my initial reading of the sign was prejudiced (pre-judged) to be a religious statement about the second coming, something I’ve never particularly believed in. I figure we’re stuck with the mess we made until we un-mess it. But I digress.

Upon second reading, I thought about the "rescue fantasies" I and most people I know have. A cheap and dirty example that may not occur to you is actresses in their 50's getting plastic surgery, to look "young again." The plastic surgery is a rescue from ageing and death, two of the four horsemen, I believe. (God, another religious reference! I’m on a roll.) Far from looking young, they look tight. Like if they smiled too big, something would tear. And guess what? They’re still 50.

A former client has been on Long Term Disability for two years now because someone yelled at him in a meeting. He’s off work, depressed, hiding, waiting for an apology. He thinks the apology will cure his depression and this, in turn, will allow him to go back to work. So, he waits for its arrival.

Years ago, another former client put her life on hold (quit her job, lost her primary relationship, got hooked on pills, etc.) for eight years, again waiting for an apology. Sued the guy, to get the apology. And, interestingly, he had already apologized. She wanted him to apologize differently. I helped her to get back to work and off the pills, but therapy ended before the court case began. For all I know, she’s still waiting.

I obsess about money. If I pay off the VISA, then I’ll be happy. As opposed to happy now. I guess I’m waiting for the money genie.

Others are stuck in difficult relationships. They’ll do something about them, "when the kids move out," or "when things get bad enough," or "when I can support myself." Of course, they aren’t, in the last example, taking courses or figuring out how to support themselves. This is going to happen, apparently, by magic. When the fairy godmother shows up.

She’s not coming.

Another popular one is, "I’ll form the kind of relationship you are talking about, Wayne, when I find the perfect person." Oh, brother.

They’re not coming, either. Relationships are the end result of continual work, not fantasy.

It’s tough, life – having to put your life on hold until all of the external circumstances line up like ducks in a row, until everyone behaves, until all the pieces fit and there’s no more problems. "Boy, when all that happens, then I’ll have a life."

I’ve got news. No you won’t. Because none of that is going to happen. Life and every person on the planet are not going to change so you can finally get on with things.

As we’ve been talking about the past few weeks, all of that external stuff doesn’t really exist anyway, other than as a figment of your imagination. So waiting for an outside rescue is foolish in the extreme (other than in the highly unlikely scenario that, right now, the Symbionese Liberation Army is holding you captive and you’re praying for the arrival of the S.W.A.T. team …)

Because no one is coming, you see.

We’ve been handed a block of time, which is also a bit of a joke, because all we know about it is when it began. The other end, the slippery end, is whenever it shows up, and that could be tomorrow. (Here’s a hint – getting plastic surgery won’t change the timing of the slippery end.) None of us have all the time in the world to learn to live our lives peacefully. We’ve just got now. This minute. To simply be who we are.

This block of time is a precious thing. It’s the place where everything happens, one moment at a time. Here and now, we are encouraged to be real, communicate, have our experiences, feel our feelings, make our judgements ( --  no way to get past this one. But, of course, we don’t have to act on our judgements, now do we??) It’s about healing rifts here and now, not sometime, when everything is perfect. It’s about taking risks, making changes gently, because there’s never going to be "just the right moment." There are just moments, like this one; you choose how you see it and use it.

Or, as Yogi Berra famously said,

"When you reach a fork in the road, take it."

Putting off the hard (or even the easy) decisions of life, on the assumption that clarity is down the road, is a sure recipe for waiting. Like the play, "Waiting for Godot." Each day, they wait, and talk about what wonderful things will happen when Godot finally arrives. They wait. They leave. They come back the next day. They wait. And talk of all the wonderful things they’ll accomplish when Godot gets there. They wait.

He’s not coming.

So, what are you waiting for?