Losing One's Theory

Finding Your Way

Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy, once said, "Lose your mind and come to your senses." I was thinking about this quote a lot this past week, at the week long seminar I attended at pd seminars, run by my friends Bennet Wong and Jock McKeen. Although the majority of the programs you can take there are experiential and "sense-ual," the program I attended was an extension of Phase 3 -- "New Horizons" -- and can be quite a "head trip." Theorizing is definitely encouraged and part of the process. Yet, theory can get in the way of relating.

Which was (sort of) Perls' point.

As 21st century people, we are bombarded with words and ideas. There seems to be the assumption (based upon the West's "Holy Grail" -- scientific theory) that, if we dissect a topic for long enough, we'll finally figure it out.

As we've said many times, there is a false security to thinking there is a simple, single answer to life's issues and our interpersonal relationships. We want it to be that simple. We want it to be the way we think it already is.

If you are wise, however, you probably ought to have noticed by now that the more you reflect about a thing, the more possibilities emerge. This is a paradox. A paradox requires an "intuitive feeling" rather than an "assured knowing." Thus the paradox: we get one answer by rigid thinking; we get multiple answers when we free ourselves to really look.

Yet, our tendency, when overwhelmed with possibilities, is to "freeze" at a certain position.

Interpersonally, it's imperative that we begin to understand that the relationship is in the interaction, not in who is right and who is wrong. It's a felt sense, not a head trip. The head trip gets you an argument; the felt sense gets you a dialog.

One of the women attending the seminar has produced a stunning set of videos of Ben and Jock running a four day relationships workshop. The videos not quite "out there and available" yet, but will be soon.

I watched all 5 videos, and watching the couples interact, (which is something I do a lot of and my "office experience" is similar) I was taken with how very much, initially, each member of each couple wanted their partner to change their viewpoint. "Here's what's going on, and I don't know why you don't get it" kind of talk. And then the other partner would start up from their perspective, without, seemingly, having heard the comments just made.

And back and forth, volume rising. Until they lapsed into stony silence.

Often, at the feeling level, the issue is not about the topic at hand (the precipitating event). It's about the internal experience -- "I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm ecstatic" -- whatever. Rather than saying "Sometimes I hear something you say and I hurt myself with it, and then I think (deliberate choice of words) that you don't respect me," we might be better off with "Sometimes I hear something you say and I hurt myself with it, and then I feel (deliberate choice of words) like I'm being abandoned."

We "head" into our heads and attempt to reason our way through life. In doing this, we miss what's happening below our necks. It's not, of course, a question of "one approach is right, one wrong." It's a matter of intent.

If I'm looking to stretch my mind and theorize, a good, stimulating intellectual discussion is vital. If I'm looking to express what I'm feeling, I'll never convey that by talking about a meaning for what I might be feeling. I'll only be able to share my sadness, for instance, by becoming sad and speaking from the sadness.

Another aspect to this came to me during the seminar, over breakfast, in the midst of an excellent discussion with Maria Gomori, a wonderful and kind and funny teacher and friend of the late Virginia Satir. We were trying to combine a couple of psychological theories, while at the same time discussing "doing" therapy. One person said that they needed a model so that they knew what to do next. Maria said she is unaware of using a model other than as a teaching mechanism; doing therapy, for her, was about intuition.

To which I said, "Yeah. I agree, Maria. I can do theory with the best of them, but when I'm in a counselling situation, I sort of feel like I run the theory in my left brain, to keep it amused, so my right brain is free to get creative." I suspect that's how Dar and I communicate and live our lives, too.

So, I'm back from Gabriola Island, relatively full of beans. I encourage you to try listening to yourself, as you converse with those around you, and especially with those you love. Wonder a bit about what it might mean (about your relationship) when you try to manipulate your partner into buying your version of reality. And then experiment with "I'd like to share my feelings and experience with you. Will you sit with me and listen?" In the sharing, no one is right, no one is wrong.

I'd love to hear your experiences.