A Question of Intent

Finding Your Way

Good communicators will ask their partner, "What was your intent in asking me that?" It’s also a legitimate question for you to ask yourself. Just don’t stop too soon. Because intent is often not what you first think it is.

A good example of what I’m talking about is found in the first illustration in my "Relationships" booklet. There, I describe a couple who have been in relationship for two years. Here’s what I wrote:

A couple was in my office the other day . . . young folk, together two years, and the passion, sexual play and fun had escaped from their marriage. The woman said: "He lied to me. When we started dating, he hugged me and kissed me and wanted sex all the time. Now, he never tells me he loves me, won’t hug or kiss me, and most of the time he’s not interested in sex."

I asked her how she felt. She indicated that she felt angry, thinking she was cheated and unloved. She told me that her response to these feelings was to refuse sex when he did get around to asking, an interesting form of punishment quaintly known as "Cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face."

I then asked the man for his version of all of this. He replied: "I grew up in a home where you didn’t touch or tell people you love them. I come home every night. I bring her my pay cheques. I don’t gamble or fool around. That should be enough for her to know that I love her. I don’t mind if she hugs me or kisses me, but I forget to do it to her. I’d really rather watch the Blue Jays."

I asked him about her recollections about their early dating days. "She’s right," he replied. "I did do all of those things in the beginning. I wanted her to like me. Once I got her, I figured I could go back to being who I really am."

Now, as far as intent goes, the guy knew what his game was was from square one. He thought she was cute and sexy and fun, did what he had to do to get her into relationship AND his intent was to have a cute, sexy wife bring him cheezies and beer while he watched hockey, preferably for the rest of his life, preferably without complaint.

Not being a fool, he didn’t tell her of his intent. He now says his intent is for her to love him for being a good provider, coming home, not screwing around, being a good boy. He’s open about this one.

She, on the other hand, had a clear and revealed intent. She wanted to get married to a cute, sexy guy who would love to make love all day long. She thought she had met her intent in him. She hadn’t.

Now, she has a new intent.

On the surface, it’s, "I just want him to acknowledge that he’s hurt me." (Of course we all know she’s hurting herself, but this article is about intent ...) When I asked her to dig deeper into her intent, she said, "I want him to know what it’s like to be home all day and then be ignored all night." When I asked a third time, she yelled, "I want him to pay! He deceived me! I’m going to get even. I’m never having sex with him again."

Response Number 3 was the actual intent. The other two were polite descriptions for public consumption.

Jennifer Sass has produced a great set of videos of Ben & Jock doing a Relationships workshop. I was watching them Monday, for the second time  and noted this one couple. His approach to conflict was to lock himself in his room for a long, long time. He’d hear his wife passing outside; she’d talk through the door, wondering if he’d died of starvation. When first asked, he said his intent was for his wife to ask him "What’s wrong?"

She indicated she did that – he would reply, "Nothing." He then said his intent was to see how long he could hole up in his room. Make her feel guilty, he thought. Finally, after they’d talked a lot, he revealed his true intent. He wanted her to come to him and say, "I’m sorry. You are completely right, and I am completely wrong." As she quickly indicated, and he secretly knew, that was never going to happen.

With the real intent out in the open, he could choose to give up a behaviour that has no chance of succeeding. Unexpressed, he might continue to hope that just once it might work.

Often, parents whose children are now adults have a need, an intent, to remind their kids that they are the parents. My parents are in their late 80's, and I’m nearing 50. When I suggest that some behaviour or decision of theirs might not be clear, I often hear, "You shouldn’t speak to your mother that way." My language is equal to what I would say to a client or to Dar, and is very clear. Their intent is also clear. They do not hear me – they simply want remind me of "my place."

Despite denials, clients often are intending to keep their kids dependent. The kid (age 35) comes home for a visit. Gets home one night at 3 am, and gets "told" the next morning. When I ask the parent for intent, I get, "He’s just so inconsiderate. I was awake all night waiting for him." I ask if the person ever has guests (not their kids) stay over. "Of course." Do you care when they come in? "No." I express confusion. "Well, they’re not my son, and he’s been doing this since he was a teen."

I ask for intent. "I just want him to get it. I want him to grow up and be considerate." In other words, I want him to be a good little boy and behave himself. I press onward. Exasperation. "I want him to know how tough it was to be his mother. He isn’t grateful enough for all I did for him." One more push. "I want him to behave exactly like I imagine him behaving, defer to my wishes for him, apologize profusely when I criticize him, (which is my role in life) and be adoringly grateful for all my sacrifices."

Well, no, no one has ever admitted to that last one, but I suspect it’s there. Otherwise, why would parents keep treating their adult children like petulant teens? They seem unwilling to let their kids grow up and be who they are. No matter what they say their intent is. Their actions (which describe the real, deep intent) is to "smarten up their rebellious child."

There are many types of hidden intent. I just flashed on the song, "All I want to do is make love to you," – another primary, but buried intent. It’s clear, if we are honest with ourselves, that some or much of our behaviour with members of the sex to whom we are attracted has sex as an unspoken intent.

Rage and revenge are often hidden intents. We noted this above, but let’s say it again. Many people want to get even when they hurt themselves over the behaviour of another. Being "polite," they may say something like "I just want her to be nicer," or "I just want him to acknowledge me as a person."

When I hear "just," I cringe. There’s nothing "just" about it.

Many times, when I ask clients to go deeper into their intent, they begin to list an endless list of their partner’s sins. Years worth of stuff. I’ll hear, "When my partner makes amends for all of this, then I’ll consider letting up. Until then, I’ll just keep complaining." Doesn’t match, at all, with "I just want him to talk to me more." It does match with, "I haven’t extracted my pound of flesh yet."

My point is that people often state shallow intents and pretend they are true. "I just want my children to be strong and independent" masks "But I want them always to come home to me so I can tell them what to do." "I just want a better relationship" masks "I’m going to make him/her behave by turning him/her into the man/woman s/he ought to be, or else." "I just tell her this for her own good." masks "She should know, intuitively, that I have all the answers regarding the way this relationship ought to be done. She’d be so much happier doing it my way."

Once we openly and honestly begin to explore and share our intentions, we can see how ridiculous, manipulative and destructive many of the deep ones are. We can then begin to surface intentions that are simple and direct. "My intent is to deepen my relationship with you, by being open and honest and vulnerable." "My intent is to own and express my attempts to manipulate you." "My intent is to treat you as an equal adult, not as a/an (object, sex object, kid, enemy, etc.)"

Look, this week, at your intentions as you communicate, as you relate. Vigorously go deeper than the surface intent. See what else might be lurking under the surface. Wonder at what penalty you’re trying to extract. Then, share what you’ve learned. And work towards letting go of intentions that separate and divide.