Life Lessons

The Rules for Being Human - by Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott

Rule #3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "success.’"

I was working with a new client today. He took a golden handshake back in '93, and has been studying new things ever since. A year ago, he learned a healing art, which he now practices. He also looks after the house. His wife works full time. He's experiencing depression since leaving his company, and now has a semi-severe case of vertigo. Which is a problem with balance.

He decided that the depression and the vertigo were keeping him from advancing in his chosen field. Too sad, to dizzy. I began to wonder with him about the lessons of the last 7 years.

As he described where he felt stuck, he'd say "I have to," "I should," "I've got to," "I must." All of those are left brain statements. They're ego statements, which we could describe as motivation through force. When he talked about his new field, he'd say "I really like what I'm doing." "I feel happy to help." "I get such enjoyment from it." Feeling, intuitive, creative statements of the right brain.

Then, as I talked about how I view life and the decision making process, he'd say, "I tell my clients exactly what you're saying. All the time. It just doesn't work when I tell myself." 

Which is true. If you're not willing to get the lesson.

Notice that the vertigo is mimicking his left/right, yin/yang imbalance. He's on a teeter totter, rocking back and forth, up and down, and it makes him dizzy. Actually, he makes him dizzy. Because he's going to have to redefine success, work, what "men do for a living" -- everything.

This is not to say that he was "wrong" in the past. I'm not much into right and wrong thinking, as you've noticed, and that's especially true here. What he's done is completely changed his life, yet is trying to live by the old rules. They don't work, so he tries harder. Now his body is involved (the vertigo), trying to get him to see what's up.

Mostly, we learn by trial and error, with the emphasis on error. If we are normal, modern humans, when the failure is personal, we look for whom to blame. Then we blame others, the situation or ourselves, depending upon our predilections. If we are non normal Into the Centre readers and are walking another path, we look at what works, learn from what doesn't, and don't repeat stuff that doesn't work.

Don't we?

Because that's the point.

This "other way" the way we propose -- is decidedly blame free, and for a reason beyond good communication. (It's just stupid to say "You make me angry" when we all know that the reality is "I am choosing, out of all choices available, to anger myself over this." But I digress.) Blaming assures us of repeating past failures.

Even blaming ourselves works this way. My client has been on his own case for 7 years, getting sad, angry, whatever, for choosing a life style (semi-retirement) he actually likes. His "societal norm" says that a 53 year old man "shouldn't" be retired and dabbling in healing arts. He "should be" the principal bread winner. He "should be" a man. He sees himself, at one level, as a failure.

This failure thinking shows itself in his choice to feel bad about a good choice, depressing himself, giving himself vertigo. Each morning, he gets to try again. As long as he makes the same choices, allows himself to think the same thoughts and do the same things, he'll get the same results. Guaranteed.

If, on the other hand, we choose to learn from our failures, to explore other directions and options, to choose better communication and more honesty with ourselves, we are guaranteed different results. Not guaranteed "better." Guaranteed "different." And then we evaluate again.

The lessons of life are that -- lessons. Like school. You have to do the experiment, try alternatives, play around with the numbers, words, factors, elements, until the results head in a direction you are seeking, or you discover the path you are exploring simply doesn't work. You then start over, try it another way. 

Or you blame the science book for being "stupid."

What are the lessons you refuse to learn? What keeps coming up and what do you do about it? Blame? What you always do? What would happen if you stopped being so predictable? What would happen if you experimented with something new? How scary is that? Will you?