As Within, so Without

The Rules for Being Human

by Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott

As Within, so Without

5. If you don’t learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.

I've had many, many e-mails in response to last week's article. Lots of questions around relationships with mothers. Guess I picked a good illustration. Before addressing the question most people asked, though, let me state that my example was just that. An example. Unresolved mother issues are common, but remember, so are the following, and more: unresolved father issues, issues with authority figures, issues with dependent people, issues with demanding people, issues of sexual attraction, issues regarding touch and intimacy, communication issues. And on and on. As we said last week, each issue must be resolved or as we see this week, they get harder. Pain is how the universe gets our attention.

Now, the question most asked was, "I've been trying for years to break the cycle by changing my behaviour towards my mother. How do I get my mother to love me? I've changed everything she asked me to and she still doesn't."

The answer is, you can't get anyone to love you. Certainly not by changing your behaviour. In relationships, you get what people choose to give you. You have total choice regarding your response to what they give you and total choice as to who you choose to be.

Some relationships are never going to work out. Some can be modified. But you will never get anywhere in life or relationships if you attempt to change yourself so others will be happy. All that will happen is this: They say, "If you love me you'll do (whatever.) You do whatever. They may or may not love you, their choice. What you have set up is, "Tell me what to do, wrap it in a threat to withhold love, and I'll do whatever you tell me." Likely, then, the next thing you'll hear is , "If you love me you'll do this other thing (or behave in a certain way) and I'll love you in return." And on and on

What we are "selling" here at The Phoenix Centre are understandings designed to help you to embrace a life approach centered on you (centered in your self) made real through ceaseless reflection on and observation of and dialog with yourself. It's also about feeling your feelings, without judging them to be "good or bad" feelings.

The dialog and your feelings are then shared with others through intimate conversation. The dialog is never about manipulating others into changing, nor is it about changing yourself into what others want you to be.

As noted in today's lesson point, your external reality is a precise reflection of you, on the inside. (The Buddhist version of this is: "As within, so without.") Far from being forever caught, for example, in a strange family, far from being helplessly acted upon by outside forces, how you view and deal with your external reality is directly related to what's going on inside, for you. ("Your reality is as you perceive it.") From a chi or energy perspective, it's about balance. Internal balances or equals external, and the internal leads.

So, if you don't like either your internal or external life (or both), remember that you can only direct the interior side. You can change your own behaviours, perception, ways of understanding - that's why you're reading Into the Centre. You now recognize that you have little or no ability to change another person without their consent and active participation. So, your focus is totally on what you can work with and choose to change. You.

If you've been reading the other column, The Body of the Matter, below, you'll recognize the idea of clearing inner obstructions. In Bodywork, we push on release points to allow the body to let go of past hurts. This work, for me, is an essential component of holistic therapy. But the message is clear. Hold on to something (an failed idea, a dream of winning someone's love, a restricted self view) that causes you pain and soon it becomes a block, a stuck pattern, and you are destined to feel pain and repeat the experience.

A client came back for Bodywork and therapy last week, after 6 months off. Prior to that, we had done both forms of work for 18 months, as she decided whether to leave a bad relationship. She stopped herself on the basis of, "what will others think?" I would often suggest she go door to door throughout the town, seeking approval. Tongue in cheek, of course.

During the 6 month break, she moved out. Now she reports that her mother approves, her father is angry and trying to force her to go back. She now no longer needs everyone's approval. All she needs is dad's. So, for 6 months, she's been trying to change his mind. Her life is totally on hold - she wants to return to school for professional training, she wants to get on with her life, but internally she thinks (note that word!) she needs approval. From the town, from mom, from dad.

Now, you see where this is leading. Even is she convinces dad, something else will arise and she'll be running around, again and again, for more approval. None of this will change -- until she changes her internal need for approval, converting into, wait for it, self approval.

Bodywork, in addition to some pain, also produces huge flows of chi, or energy, which feels quite ecstatic. My client allowed herself, for the first time, to feel both the pain and the pleasure of Bodywork. She said, "I promised myself that." She let go of the need to feel all of the pain but only a hint of the pleasure. (A metaphor for her life?). This is a first step in letting go. From there, it is a small step to "I feel good" and from there to "I am important to me." From that place, she can have the external life she wants. Except for one thing. She will never get everyone to approve of her.

Becoming an adult is about finding yourself in your own context, and from there choosing how to relate to others and to yourself. Being who you are is never about obedience, doing it the way someone else wants you to. If people insist that you change to make them happy, resist, gently, and be yourself. If they can't handle it, you'll have to walk away.

Or, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to be who someone else wants you to be.

As always, your choice.

Contentment comes from bringing your skill set, and you, into the full light of day. Not for approval or validation. Because you choose, from the depth of your being to be whole. Wholly you. And, in a sense, holy you.