Square Pegs, Round Holes --

on Redefining Relationships with Ourselves, with Others

Boy, that was a long title.

This week's article comes as a result of several e- mails and a new client. The story of the latter comes first.

My newest client is a 17 year old young man, who came in with his parents. Mom did the initial description of his situation, and he chimed in. I have to tell you, I like this family.

Which is not to say they agree with or are absolutely polite with each other. What I observed was a free flow of ideas regarding the young man's present state of being. He reports that while he knows how to "play the game" at school and in his social life, he is also feeling sad, alone and his life in general seems to be lacking meaning. When I asked him to describe his state of mind, he couldn't, other than to say "I'm sad."

Mom mentioned he'd gone through a similar experience 2 years ago, and also mentioned that she's prone to depression. She was quick, however, to disown a genetic link. She was simply making an observation. There was a fair amount of conversation, back and forth, about meaning, about friends, and ultimately, about not fitting in to the norms of what society "expects." Needless to say, I could relate.

I tossed out how maybe he was smart enough to allow his true self out -- that he didn't fit in because he chose not to play the game of hiding his true self. I mentioned that not conforming was a difficult thing, as much pressure is brought to bear on the non-conformist. And I suggested that it wasn't so much that he was different or unusual -- we're all different and unusual -- but that he was flying in the face of what most people do with their uniqueness -- most people simply choose to hide it. Most people conform to the norms rather than face the struggle that being different can create.

What he was feeling, then, might be the result of being himself. 

I suggested that he doesn't fit in -- the "square peg, round hole" idea -- and mom and dad agreed, and my client smiled and nodded. I asked him, "Does it sometimes feel like too much effort to play the game, when in the end, you don't know if it's even worth fitting in?" He again nodded and said, "I usually fit in because I know how. I'm just not sure, any more, why I'd want to."

Or, as the client ahead of him, this time a 17 year old young woman put it, "Sometimes I realize that I am far more mature and responsible for myself than my friends are. It's hard outgrowing them, but it sure beats hanging around and feeling miserable."

Maybe I should introduce the two of them . . .

It's obviously too early to be making any assessments at all about my new client, but as I think about him I am reminded of a struggle I've faced, and which I know many of you face -- and thanks for your e-mails. The path I walk, that we teach at The Phoenix Centre, that we live, that many of you are living, flies in the face of conventional beliefs and behaviours.

Here are a couple of examples of what we live and teach -- examples which stand out (causing us to seem different,) and reflect some of the replies I've been making lately to your e-mails:

We teach people to have relationships in which each party acts as a witness for the other. 

• This allows the participants to learn more about themselves, through dialogue. There's no attempt to change the other person. 
• There is a lot of curiosity about each person's process and world view. 
• This is certainly not the "welded together at the hip" description of relationship that society bandies about. "I love you because you make me complete," to us, is simply hogwash.

We help others to understand that "I alone am responsible for me":

• for my direction, my understandings, the condition of my body, the way I live my life and especially for "what's happening in my life"

We indicate that anyone can learn:

• to hear the critical voices in their head, listen to them without judgment, give them a pat on the bum and send them into the background -- as opposed to having one's life run by said critical tapes or voices.

We help our clients:

• recognize that their need for nourishment, at the soul level, requires of them total honesty, (as in sharing all that I know about me today, and recognizing I will know other, maybe contradictory stuff, tomorrow),
• choose to share themselves with others, deeply, intimately, and with excitement, despite any fear or being judged or rejected.

We help others get the idea that:

• others -- family, old friends, whomever, might not understand their path, but that is a price of the walking. 
• there is no question that they will hear, "Well, hey guy, just who do you think you are, acting that way?" Their response? I'm me, being me, in relationship to me and in open relationship with you. Your opinion matters to me, because it's yours, but not as a determinant of my choices."

We want the people we care about:

• to be endlessly open to the possibility of significant moments (but not important ones -- see this column) 
• to actively position themselves to meet and bond with and reach out to others who are on parallel paths -- risky, as others see who they really are.
• to choose to be in such relationships anyway, because of the mirror held up by friends -- this is the mark of a mature sense of true relationship.

We promote avoiding excuses --

• "I can't be intimate. I'm a loner" -- an excuse to keep you from revealing what you perceive to be the "terrible truth" about yourself. Fearful of intimate contact, you pull into yourself, hiding behind a thin veneer of self- doubt. Instead, we propose taking the risk of intimacy.
• "If people knew the real me, they'd run" -- is simply an excuse to avoid engagement, honesty, vulnerability. We scare ourselves with our own visions of why no one would love us, care about us, respect us. We do such a good job that we never get around to testing our theories with a real person. We propose asking for what you want, and seeing what happens.
• "I'm too busy with my friends to get to know myself" -- an excuse to keep so busy that time for reflection is measured in nanoseconds -- an excuse to avoid your own "void" -- your fear of death -- your fear of actually living life - - your fear of being a "square peg in a round hole." We propose introspection -- repeated introspection, followed by sharing what you learn with your intimates.

To engage in true relationship with yourself and with others -- as you are, with your full skill set and all your warts and foibles showing -- is the ultimate mark of maturity. If you chose this path, if you are on this path now, you already do not fit in.

So what? Get over it. Because your life is the only show in town. You're going to wake up dead one day, and I'd hate for you to have missed living. Out of fear. Out of distrust. Out of reluctance. Out of an unwillingness to challenge and make peace with what scares you.

Hands are reaching out to you, right now. You can refuse to talk, you can hide, you can bury yourself in work. Or you can reach out , and reach deep inside, and choose to make contact. In the depths and at the boundaries. Where life is. You won't "fit in." But finally, at last, you'll fit yourself. You'll be yourself. And that, my friends, is enough.