Deconstruction, part 3
To read the previous installments:
Life has been so interesting of late. I've had a multitude of opportunities to look at how I do relationships, chances to think through where I am in life and what is next. In the midst of this process, I had a "moment" - I woke up last Monday with a whole chapter written for one of the books I'm working on.
I liked the chapter so much, I've decided to "serialize" it for Into the Centre. (Plus it will whet your appetite for the eventual release of the book!) The topic, "deconstruction" fits with much of what we've been exploring here of late.
2011 -- I did add it to my book, This Endless Moment
Hope you like it!
As another example of "different yet the same," here's Dar's account of her latest deconstruction— which occurred this past weekend at a Bodywork workshop I was running. Dar wrote this description to a friend from her Come Alive at Haven:
A friend was at Phase 1 during the month of September. I was away for the month before that. It seems like a long time since we connected. Wayne was out at Haven and had a connection with her. They always do connect at a different level then I do. I hold myself back- fear of rejection and all. I got myself into quite a place of feeling left out and alone. I described it to her as feeling like an attachment - a tag a long.
I felt very stuck. I can see now that I was refusing to budge from there. I got quite into blame and expectations of others to make things right for me - if they would only behave the right way and see what I need. Kind of surprised myself how much I got into blame and pointing the finger. Didn't think I did that. Not much chance of getting what I want when I take that tactic.
My friend is having quite the re-entry process from the Phase 1 experience. Wayne's re-entry was quite traumatic but in a very different way. Lots of things happened for him - the shit hit the fan so to speak .My friend seems really stuck. Wayne never appeared stuck but it sure changed his life. Changed mine too.
We spent an evening visiting my friend last week. It raised quite a few issues for me but I worked through those with Wayne. It also raised issues for Wayne and he went through quite the process as well. We have a hot tub and it is great for intense life conversations. Lately some of our conversations are lasting longer than we can in the hot tub. It is during these times, as we struggle through some difficult stuff together, that our relationship moves to a deeper level.
Yesterday at the workshop I did bodywork with a couple of people. I was working with people who were new to this. I decided that I would not just go with whatever they were able to figure out. I stopped them a couple of times and let people know what it was that I needed. I've done enough bodywork to know where my triggers are. I kept my "jaw points" a secret, though. I had more of a voice in this workshop than in any of Wayne's previous workshops. I was pleased about that.
The effects of the Come Alive learnings were still there. It was also a neat energy experience. On the first day of the workshop, I accessed some anger but felt like I was just touching the surface and backing away. Kept giving myself grief over this. I also had it in my head that I needed to cry but the tears would not come. I came away from the experience totally discounting what I had accomplished and the anger that I had expressed because I judged that the anger was not strong enough and I didn't cry. Quite an old pattern for me. Keep focusing on the things you can't do so you can continue to feel bad about yourself and in this case stuck. My filters block out totally the things that would allow me to feel good about myself. I wasn't done feeling bad.
One woman had a Haven-like experience. She went right into her emotion and lost control. This was a new experience for her. The others in the group were quite new to the whole concept. Seeing the transformation in her when she returned for the second day reminded me of other people's experiences at Haven and my experience at Haven. At that moment I remembered my learning from the Come Alive. It is all about my choice and how I see myself. I made an immediate switch.
It felt like I flipped a switch. I feel great now. The Bodywork the second day was quite similar to the first day. Got a little closer to the emotion but still didn't cry but that was okay because I was able to get out of my way and have my experience. I also noticed how free I felt to speak out and that helped too.
It is amazing what you notice when you lift the filters.
During the last bodywork session, I had an amazing energy experience. I decided that I was not going any further with the anger and I didn't really want to be pushed on anymore. I directed the person to hold me in the heart area with one hand over my heart and one hand behind my back. I felt incredible warmth and the energy flowed quite freely. After awhile I directed the person to put his hands on my belly just below the navel and one hand on my lower back. (Second Chakra point.) The heat I felt was very intense. After awhile, I felt his hand vibrating. At first I thought it was his attempt to stimulate my energy flow and it was working. The fire in my belly swelled and moved up my spine in a dramatic way. As the experience continued I realized that it was me vibrating - he was vibrating in response to me. It was wild.
At the end I asked him if it was me or him - he did not know but I did - it was me. Kind of nice to feel in a position of directing an experience to achieve what I wanted.
Another interesting aspect of this workshop was a friend of mine from school was there. I had intended on having her over to visit while Wayne was away but her grandmother died and she spent the week in Nova Scotia. She told me she was thinking of coming to the workshop so Wayne came to school and put the pitch on. She decided to come.
I've never really gotten into these experience much at school. My tendency was to keep things separate. I was both looking forward to and anxious about her being there and my two worlds (my choice!) meeting at the same time. That part of the workshop went well and Carol and I connected in a different way. It will be interesting to bump into someone at school who knows more about me. In general I tend to be somewhat of a mystery or invisible. Can still do that with some people but in general I judge that they are not worth my effort.
Dar has clearly chosen to step past the blockages and resistance. This continual recognition of and choosing to move through deconstruction resistance is key to the project of self-responsible dismantling of the walls.
To conclude this section, let me talk about intimate relationships. Why? Because this work is impossible without them. By intimate I mean open and revealing and present relationships, not necessarily sensual or sexual intimacy, although that's possible too. (For more on this go to my web site and download the relationship booklets.)
I choose to be deeply in relationship with a small circle of friends. There, I can open myself to my own process, and be open and available to theirs. This process is like being in a strange place with no map - and thanking God for the company. As a matter of fact, the only way though this territory is by faith, not knowledge.
I thus cheerfully admit that I am still "religiously" following the dictate to not understand - to not have answers. My ego wants to scream that I always know what I am doing. And my soul laughs. Because my soul has no need to know anything. My soul seeks contact, at the boundary, to learn, to play, to dance, to join. I don't know who I am, why I'm choosing to be in the act of relating, nor do I have any agenda or sense of where things are going. I simply choose, again and again, to engage in relationship, to be present, warm, loving and open. For me, that is enough. Deconstruction 202, as I reconstruct me on the basis of choice. My choice. With fear and trembling. And with the assurance that the approval of the world is no longer required. In this is New Being.