Plunge Ahead Slowly

I wrote about "the deconstruction project" some issues ago ( click here), and have been slogging along writing a book on that and other topics. I've begun to write about reconstruction now - the process of developing new understandings about the walk of vocation - and the profound shifting in our viewpoint that this requires.

I've been writing about paradox - like the paradoxical title of this article. We might choose to get our heads around an ever-increasing "circle" of ways of seeing. A way of describing this "circularity" is to look at the yin - yang symbol - nothing is simply "black or white." Nor is anything simply a shade of grey.

The leap in understanding required here is actually a letting go. Most of all, it's a letting go of excuses. I can't tell you how many excuses I've heard in 20 years of this work. No time. Too confused. Way, way too smart.

That last one interest you? You see, in order to "get" paradox, to get chaos, to get all of this, you have to let go of knowing anything about anything. And for many people, giving up being smart, being seen as having answers, is too much to bear. They thus choose being smart over gaining wisdom.

It's equally difficult to give up "genetics and upbringing." Yet, in order to truly make a shift of this magnitude, you have to stop blaming your genes or your "parents and tribes" for your own laziness and mis-thinking.

I remember one client who took 18 months to leave her husband. She knew what she was going to do at the first session, but stopped herself because her mother had taught her not to draw attention to herself - taught her to run her life on the basis of "what the neighbours will think." She chose the rules of her upbringing over her intuitive wisdom.

I can't imagine, to go to another flavour of this, pointing to my parents for the "reason" I am the way I am. Sure, they contributed to who I am by manipulating my environment so that I would adopt their beliefs, as well as the beliefs of their tribe. That was their job, as parents. That's what the "ego project" is all about. While people might look at my dad's humour and compassion, and attempt to see me adopting his way of being, I disagree. That I also exhibit humour and compassion is my choice.

Simply, I am not they. The deconstruction project (which, I sense, most people don't even know about, let along do) is all about growing up by letting go of the need to be governed, without thought, by the rules the ego project inserts in us. As I've written, it's all about ruthlessly examining what we believe, and dispensing with those beliefs that are "tribal," yet meaningless. You will discover that this is actually most of the rules imposed upon you.

And reconstruction is all about establishing a short list of operating principles based upon compassion, vocation and self-mastery.

Nonetheless, it is attractive; this defaulting back to genetics is a major stumbling block for many. Oh hell, I can't resist. It's too good a story. A friend who occasionally repeats behaviours that don't get her what she wants will say, "Wait until you meet my family. Then you'll understand why I'm the way I am." So, we met her mom and brother. They seem sweet and interesting and dramatic and fun. Our friend said, "See. Now you know why I'm the way I am." We demurred. She said, "Oh, well you don't understand because you haven't met my dad."

Now, maybe her dad is odd. I don't know. It still begs the question about what she's going to do about herself. Genetics is a hard crutch to drop. Unless you're Dar.

Dar discovered, as we were conversing the other day, that she has a paradox happening around hugs and physical contact. She craves it, but also can find it "too close, too uncomfortable." I asked her if my hugs ever made her uncomfortable. She said that once in a while they did. That was actually news to both of us, as was her paradox. She discovered it as we talked.

Now, we did spend a minute discussing how, as a kid, Dar spent time in her room as a way to escape some "interesting" family dynamics. That may well have planted the seeds of her dilemma around touch - she never learned, as a kid, how to be hugged, so hugging and contact is, at once, what she wants and what she fears. All well and good.

But, and this is the important piece, that is just information. It doesn't mean anything. While it may colour her reaction to being hugged, it's not determinative of anything. I proposed that Dar talk to two of our intimate friends about a "hug project." Dar will set it up to be hugged, and learn to change her reaction by intensely practicing alternatives. I suspect that a few of her other intimate friends, who subscribe to Into the Centre, will offer to "help" with the project too. Because the other paradox is that Dar is a great hugger.

My point, of course, is that Dar has chosen to work on the issue, as opposed to staying stuck in blaming her upbringing. First, blaming won't change anything. Second, change is only accomplished by actually doing something.

Since this revelation, we've had two more conversations about hugging. She's learned she's not uncomfortable hugging others. Her discomfort comes when she is held - in becoming vulnerable. More knowledge. I've learned a ton about Dar, and am learning to ask more about what is happening for her, as well as watching my own reactions to being touched and held.

Plunge Ahead Slowly is all about timing and progress. Nothing changes until we do. Nothing happens until we let it. We do not counsel recklessness here. But neither do we encourage glacial change. It becomes all too easy to assume we have "forever" to get this stuff. In truth, we simply have today.

In coming weeks, we'll talk more about this process - and about designing methodologies for accomplishing the shift.

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The Phoenix Business Focus

"A Self-Imposed Game Plan"

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So, starting with this week's Into the Centre, I've decided to present a business focus that derives from the main article. We'll see how this extra writing project goes!

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Achieving mastery of the contemplative, vocationally driven life is certainly an effortful process. Which is why, in past generations, those drawn to vocation entered religious orders, whether they be Zen, Buddhist, Sufi, Native, Christian or whatever. There, away from the 'temptations" of "the world," the initiate could spend their time reflecting on the nature of humanity and "god," variously construed.

Such a "withdrawal from the world" is still an option today, either as a vocation or in terms of retreats. Indeed, Into the Centre offers what we call "Weekend Intensives" for those who wish to focus in deeply, intimately and thoroughly. A weekend away, devoted to depth, bodywork and dialogue can work wonders. But most of us can only manage such "retreats" occasionally. What to do, what to do?

I suggest what I call a "self-imposed game plan."

What I mean is this: the organization you work for, as I mentioned in previous Into the Centres, has as its goal making money. Pure and simple. Even social service agencies are, at some level, "bottom line" driven. Now, you may belong to a "Fast Company" that understands the spiritual / developmental needs of its employees, but no organization has this as its principal focus.

Therefore, while you are required, as an aspect of employment, to ascribe to the goals of your company, and to participate in their development of business, nothing prevents you from, also, fostering an environment of personal and corporate vocational development.

The key to this is to Plunge Ahead Slowly. In other words, I want to ask myself, as I make decisions, participate in the corporate culture and engage in the working through of corporate issues, "How can I depersonalize this activity?" Does that sound like a paradox? Good. It is.

One of the keys to mastery is the Buddhist concept of non-attachment. (There's a whole section about this in my book Living Life in Growing Orbits.) Non-attachment is the relentless application of the mantra, "It's not personal. It's not about me."

Sure, others want to make it about you. Through blame. Through "reviews." Through manipulation and finger-pointing. The key, however, is to remind yourself that this is only effective if you assume that blaming, finger pointing and manipulation are actually tools that accomplish anything.

In other words, my game plan is to seek depth in my understanding of the true nature of life. People whose main occupation is to blame, to intimidate, may surround me. What I do with those who surround me will be governed, if I choose, not by them, but by me.

My approach, even though others don't "get it," is to breathe, stay centred in myself, and to remain curious. I will dedicate myself to asking questions meant to move past the games into greater depth. I will refrain from being drawn into "proving myself right." Instead, I will offer opportunities for dialogue and exploration of alternatives.

All of this is only possible through discipline. And the key discipline is to see, in simple terms, the wisdom of the idea, "And this too will pass."

More next week.