Responsible as compared to Blaming
The Fringe Dweller's Guide to the Universe
The 12 Dichotomies
For the next 12 weeks we’ll look at the following pairings, or dichotomies:
1. Mindful as compared to mindless
2. Responsible as compared to blaming
3. Flexible as compared to blocked
4. Self-actualized as compared to self-absorbed
5. Honest as compared to indirect
6. Truthful as compared to devious
7. Self-centred as compared to selfish
8. Masterful as compared to knowledgeable
9. Present as compared to absent
10. Responsive as compared to reactive
11.
Focussed as compared to scattered
12. Passionate as compared to charged
2. Responsible as compared to blaming
You’ve probably heard it a million times, but the word responsibility means "having the ability to respond." The idea behind responding is this: as a stimulus comes in, I have a small window of choice, even if it is not apparent. Within that window are two options - I can react or I can respond.
Reactions are multiple. I was sitting with a client the other day, a guy I’m mostly doing Bodywork with. We were talking about an incident at work. There is a guy there that is quite vocal in his smart remarks and cutting asides. (Hmm. Sounds like me 20 years ago, but I digress…) My client didn’t like being the brunt of the verbiage, but learned, growing up, to keep his mouth shut.
We’ve been talking a lot about finding and having his feelings, and in this case (finally!) he realized that he really didn’t like the attacks. Rather than stuffing his anger, he told the guy to stick it where the sun don’t shine. This approach worked, and the guy left him alone (and didn’t speak to him) for a week. I asked him, "So, what was it like to choose to strategically use an angry remark in order to see what results you’d get?"
He did what I think of as a "full shut-down" - blank stare, silence, holding his breath. Then, he said, "Wait a minute! I thought I was supposed to just let my emotions out! Now you’re telling me I’m supposed to think about it before I yell at someone?" I allowed that it might even be more complicated than that. He might want to consider, mostly, not yelling at all. More confused, he said, "This sounds like I’d have to be paying attention all the time, thinking, making choices about how and what I’m saying and thinking. I’m just learning to let go, and you’re talking about more control."
I allowed that I was saying something like that, but more like this: "We all have feelings, and sometimes people do stuff we find objectionable. There needs to be an outlet for the feelings, but we also have to consider what we are trying to accomplish. If the person is a colleague, or my partner or parent or kid, or an intimate friend, there might be more to it that just dumping. Seldom does "letting it all hang out" accomplish much more than contributing to hard feelings."
There’s a certain charge to letting it all hang out - letting go of whatever is inside, sort of a free-flow dumping. It can be about anger, or sarcasm, or righteousness or even about sexuality. (More on this in the 12th instalment of this series.) Leaving the last for then, let’s look at where knee-jerk reactions come from.
From the time we were hatched, people have been saying, in our presence, "You make me so ________ (fill in the blank.)" The idea is that someone does something, and I have no choice as to my reaction. I can’t tell you how many clients have sat with me, and with a straight face, have said, "I can’t help yelling at her. My father yelled at my mother," or, "Sure I drink when I’m upset. I can’t do anything about it," or, "The only way I can get by is by being controlling. My husband will just have to put up with it."
This is what research psychologists call a conditioned response. The rat presses a button and gets fed, presses a bar and gets shocked. The rat learns to always press the button and avoid the bar. Classical conditioning. Except, we are not rats. Unless you choose to be, of course.
We are taught to do what we do through repetition, and then through thinking, and then through abstraction. I got a hunch that when it comes to our relationships, most people don’t get past repetition.
So, we blame, because that’s what people did to us. We blame because we can’t believe that life is really all about me, as an individual, deciding (again and again and again!) what I’m going to do and how I’m going to live.
The self-responsible person engages life. This requires paying attention, both to the choices available and to the results of each behaviour. There are endless choices available to each of us, if only we will take the time to notice.
There may be a strong pull to repeat endlessly what never works, all the while blaming the other person for "bringing this out in me," but at the end of the day, there is no gun to our heads. There’s just life happening, and us either reacting like conditioned rats or responding like fully functioning adults. If you pick the latter, your life expands along with your choices.
If you pick the former, you’re stuck in your self-righteous blaming until you die. In which case, I can only hope one thing.
I hope you like cheese.
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is
listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like
the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
