Self-actualized as compared to self-absorbed
The Fringe Dweller's Guide to the Universe
The 12 Dichotomies
(click for past articles)
1. Mindful as compared to mindless
2. Responsible as compared to blaming
3. Flexible as compared to blocked
4. Self-actualized as compared to self-absorbed
5. Honest as apposed to indirect
6. Truthful as compared to devious
7. Self-centred as compared to selfish
8. Masterful as compared to knowledgeable
9. Present as compared to scattered
10. Responsive as compared to reactive
11. Focussed as compared to scattered
12. Passion as compared to charge
4. Self-actualized as compared to self-absorbed
I would have to admit to sitting at my computer for a minute or two, thinking about how to encapsulate the difference between self-actualized and self-absorbed. What I came up with was this:
· The self-actualized person understands that his own world revolves around himself.
· The self-absorbed person thinks the whole world revolves around her.
· The self-actualized person asks, "What can I learn?"
· The self-absorbed person asks, "What's in it for me?"
The self-actualized person takes her own wants and needs seriously. She knows herself and seeks to know more. She never assumes that she's "done" with much of anything - never is there a sense of "been there, done that," as the "there" and the "that" are constantly changing. If something isn't going the way she wants it to, she simply stops doing what isn't working, without whining or complaining.
The self-absorbed person, on the other hand, from their place in the centre of the universe, thinks that everything should go smoothly, and that whatever is happening is happening to them. This personality is highly opinionated, and thinks that they are always right, always justified in their behaviour. When they perceive that someone else is not considering them the centre of the universe, they redouble their effort to be noticed. Unfortunately, they seldom get what they want because they are so full of themselves that there is precious little room for anyone else.
The self-actualized person has learned to be self-sufficient, and therefore not in need (not needy) of the support of others. This comes from a place of self- responsibility. They do not require an audience in order to feel valuable - they already value themselves as they are. They may choose to be entertaining and many have great charisma. They are working from a place of great enjoyment of the drama and the beauty of life.
I guess this, and many of the points to follow over the next few weeks, have to do with internal versus external states of comfort, value and understanding. If I am trying to be the centre of everyone else's attention, I have no centre to call my own. If I am using my sexuality or talents to try to "win love," I am using rather than valuing myself. If I think that how I look is more important than whom I am, I am in serious trouble.
I'm using self-absorbed here to indicate a way of being, an understanding which is used to elevate the person's self to a pinnacle. This is done for external validation - in other words, I am nothing if I am not noticed. Everything the person does is done to gain attention. The self-actualized person, on the other hand, does what he does for the satisfaction of a job well done and for the value he places on his engagement with the world. The person's self-esteem, then, is not dependent on the actions or reactions of others.
The self-actualized person, in other words, has the keys to their own car, and turns their own key, and drives where they will, doing what they do, as the centre of attention of a crowd of one. In that they are quite pleasant to be around, as they don’t make demands on others and have no expectation that others are there to meet their needs or "make" them happy.
The self-absorbed person wants you to admire their car, actually care where they are driving it, and be responsible for keeping track of their keys. They want to be handed the keys, told how much they'll be missed and sent on their way with maps. They want people to stand on the side of the road and wave as they go by, and picture the crowds whispering to each other "I wonder where she is off to now?" They even want congratulations for figuring out simple things, like finding their way back home.
The self-absorbed person is sure life is about getting attention. For the self-actualized person, it's all about completing legs on a journey that never ends. Self-actualization takes nerve, bravery and self-assurance. Self-absorption takes a good publicist.
In the end, the self-actualized person knows herself well, likes herself, seldom second-guesses herself and cheerfully lives with the consequences of her actions. She seeks the ways and means of meeting her own needs and engaging joyfully in the lives of others, without attempting to manipulate others into being more focussed on her than on their own walks. Life becomes an adventure, fully expressed and felt.
It's a walk worth considering.
