6. Truthful as compared to devious
I know. You're thinking that I'm repeating myself from last week. I may be accused of splitting hairs, but I think there's a difference here. I'm seeing it this way:
- Honesty has to do with faithfully reporting what I believe to be true.
- Truthfulness means the openness to reveal everything relevant about who I am.
Or, let's try it this way:
- Honesty relates to what I believe.
- Truthfulness relates to what I am actually doing.
Here's a reasonably fresh example. God, I never thought I'd be using Bill Clinton for an example. Given Clinton's peculiar definition of "sexual relations," (and for the purposes of this illustration, we all have to suspend our disbelief, and "believe" that Bill sincerely held this definition) then his statement, "I have not had sexual relations with this woman" would be honest. For me, for him to be truthful, he would then
add, "She does, however, have intimate knowledge of both my cigar and Little Willie."
The same can be said about "indirect" vs. "devious." As I indicated last week, indirect is "beating around the bush," finding the way to say something that is "politically correct." It's saying, "Wow. You must really be hurting," as opposed to "Boy are you ever living your life so as to really hurt yourself." Or, "I'm sure you'll find someone who will love you," as opposed to "You've had all
these women in your life, and it hasn't worked out. Maybe you have to look at the common denominator - you." (I actually had this conversation with a client last week. He has dated 6 women in the last 2 years, and blithely described what each of the women had done so as to cause the relationship to end. When I asked him what he was doing to create so many failed relationships - what it was about him that kept this pattern alive, he thought I didn't "get
it.")
Being devious is about game-playing and dishonest manipulation (as opposed to honest manipulation – a topic for another day.) Let me give you an illustration. Or two. In the last six months, I have two clients tell me similar stories. In each case, the husband of the pair had decided to distance himself from his wife. He told her he was feeling remote and distant, and he moved into the spare bedroom. Not long after, in each case, the husband began to accuse the wife of having an
affair. In both cases, the woman denied having an affair.
Now, in one case, the woman was having a sexual affair with a friend. In the other case, there is a non-sexual attraction, with some fumbling about, but no intercourse. Both women told me that they are really pissed off with their husbands for accusing them, as they have no proof that they are having an affair. Since the husbands are guessing, they both feel safe in their secret-keeping, and angry with the spouse for making
"groundless" accusations. This is deviousness, and dishonest manipulation to the nth degree.
As opposed to this scenario, which I heard about last night. A friend and I were talking, and she mentioned she'd been at a bar with a friend, when a guy some 14 years younger walked up and started to chat her up. After 20 minutes, he said that he'd like to take her home and have sex with her. She admitted to being interested, but ended up declining. Her major reason for declining is that she is in a 6-month old relationship with a guy, and they hadn't examined
what the rules are about extra-relationship sex.
Now, before I tell you how this is working itself out, here are some possibilities.
Devious: my friend doesn't tell her partner about anything. "I was out with Sally." When asked, "Did anything interesting happen?" she would reply, "NO! We had a drink and left. Why? Don't you trust me?"
Indirect: "I was out with Sally. We talked with a bunch of new people, and I had a lot of fun." Boyfriend asks same second question. Reply: "I met an interesting guy, who works for XYZ company. He really seemed interested in my career, too. And he said he liked my dress."
Honest: "I met this guy at the bar, and we talked for a while. He actually let me know that he thought I was sexy, and wanted to sleep with me. But I'm dating you so I told him no."
Truthful: "I met this guy at the bar, and we talked for a while. He actually let me know that he thought I was sexy, and wanted me to have sex with him. I gotta tell you, the thought crossed my mind. I've never gone home with a guy for a one-night stand. But I realized that you and I have never talked about this, and how we're going to deal with this as it happens during our relationship. How do you want to handle it, because I really am curious about following through on
this kind of offer, at least once."
Whoa, I hear you saying. You've got to be kidding. No one would opt for truthfulness.
Interestingly, my friend opted for exactly that choice, and said that reading Into the Centre and communicating, over the last three years with Dar and me led her to trust the relationship she has been building enough to make that choice.
Her partner said, "Hmm. Let's talk about how we might make that happen for you." They did talk, but haven't reached a consensus yet. You may have guessed why. She really would like to try this out, but realizes that if she tries it, her boyfriend may want to too. She's not sure she could handle that. So, being truthful, she also told him that. The dialog continues.
I'm amazed at how many people, both professionally and personally, are sneaking around, doing something or another that they are afraid to admit to. They're telling half-truths and living lies, stealing ideas and materials, cheating on taxes, meeting clandestinely - whatever. Then, they justify their behaviour by claiming some moral high ground or getting into all kinds of excuses as to why both honesty and truthfulness, while noble ideas, are not applicable to their context.
Of course, their indirect deviousness does not come from nobility, but rather from cowardice. I suspect the world would be a much better place if we didn't do anything we weren't prepared to admit to on the 11 o'clock news. Which is not to say, and you know this about me, that I'm advocating walking some narrow, morality infused path. What I'm saying is exactly the opposite.
We are free to do pretty much anything we want to,
with whomever we choose,
so long as we are honest and truthful about it.
The person who cheats on taxes or goes behind a fellow worker's back as opposed to dealing with the realities and issues directly, or who violates the tenets of truthfulness within a primary relationship, will often have a long list of justifications. But in the end, our souls suffer for our deceit.
As to my friend, she got a gold star for that one. We talked about the next step in her walk - which will be a big one, for her. She is beginning to realize the depth of her sexual nature. She also realized that she'd experienced her first "microdot" reaction. (Ben & Jock (Bennet Wong & Jock McKeen, from pd seminars - see
The NEW Manual for Life) coined that idea – a microdot is the group of aspects about another person that is an immediate sexual turn-on. My client described her felling - "I was speechless and blushing and floundering around like a teenager.")
My friend’s next task is to integrate this new information into her self-definition, and to keep her intimate partner informed as to how it is going. If she chooses to act out any part of this new learning, her commitment to her partner is to let him know what she is doing, and with whom. No secrets. No games. No excuses.
When we resist truthfulness, when we come up with excuses - "People wouldn't understand," or "It's nobody's business," or "I'll fill her in on who I am, but gradually, so as not to scare her off," what we are really saying is, "I am so unsure of myself that I chose deviousness over truth." In other words, our reluctance to be open and revealing has nothing to do with others and their reactions, and everything to do with our own
fear of the consequences of our choices.
This is a hard lesson, I know. Most people are adept at hiding their natures and desires and wants and needs from others, for fear of the perceived consequences. To me, it is all about choice. If I have a trait or desire that I embarrass myself over, I can work with a therapist to get over it. Or, I can simply get past it. Or, I can accept it as an ongoing reality.
Years ago, for example, I learned to deal with my rage and anger and temper. I found ways to channel that energy so as to direct it harmlessly away from others. But I never deny, and actually easily admit to still having those attributes as part of my personality. Intimate friends and a few groups at Haven have seen me unashamedly display all of it, safely of course.
If I have a curiosity or desire, my intimate partner should be the next person (after me) to know about it. Period. No exceptions. Again, as Ben & Jock say, and as Dar and I have lived our relationship, the only requirement, or "rule," is total honesty and truthfulness. That's not to say we have been perfect at this. There have been instances of miscommunication, but there has never been anything, to my knowledge, that we haven't been willing, over time, to explore
fully. And there never will be, from my side - and I have faith, from Dar's side either. And lord knows, we've covered the full range of topics in 17 years.
This week, think about your circle. Explore what you are not telling your intimate partner, your spouse, lover, and friends. Make choices about who needs to hear who you are, what you are about, and what you are doing. No, I am not saying that the person in the next cubicle at work needs to know all the details of your sex life or your political or personal focus. I am saying that lying, twisting the truth and sneaking about will come around and bite you on the butt. As far
as your intimate relationships go, anything less than honesty and truthfulness is deadly.
In the end, life is enough of a challenge when confronted and walked with - head on. Maybe the world would begin to transform if we simply admitted who we are, and spoke one less lie. It might be worth the experiment.
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