The Myth of Fairness

10 Myths to Live Without

---

The Myth of Family Bonds
The Myth of Fairness
The Myth of No Consequences
The Myth of Sex Equalling Intimacy
The Myth of Absolute Truth
The Myth of Altruism
The Myth of "Shoulds"
The Myth of Right and Wrong
The Myth of Scarcity
The Myth of a Soul Mate

---

The Myth of Fairness

"Hey! Wait a Minute! That's not fair!" If you hang around kids long enough, or if you ever were one J , you'll remember that phrase. You know that, when those words are uttered, something hasn't worked out like "it was supposed to." A rule, clearly, has been violated.

Parents, knowing about the squabbles that result over fairness, often devise elaborate routines to preserve the illusion of fairness. Dar, for example, talks about sharing during her years of growing up with her sister. Whenever something had to be divided between them, one got to do the cutting, and the other person chose first. Dar talks about how carefully the cutter would measure and cut, lest they give the other the "unfair" advantage of getting 1% more pie. Because of course, everyone knows that life (and pie sharing) is supposed to be perfectly fair and absolutely equal.

I remember counselling a teen once, one of three kids. She declared often and loudly that her father loved her sister best, her mother loved her brother best, and that she was left out of being "loved" best - and - wait for it - that wasn't fair. More on this one later.

So, all of this makes sense when we're talking about the hurt feelings of little kids. We do what we can to soothe them, and pray for them to grow up. Fair, not fair - is the reasoning of a child. It's a part of the ego project; it's necessary to learn something about sharing and equality. At the same time, we, as adults, know that such concepts can only exist in a perfect world. So, during my proposed "Deconstruction" phase, one of the things people have to learn is to let go of a "fairness model."

Because where this gets a little odd is when adults spout "fairness" as a valid model for life. I got a call from another psychotherapist the other day. It's a long story, but apparently the Employee Assistance Plan we both get clients from referred the same client to both of us. He called her and made an appointment, then I called, and he booked with me sooner. He told me what had happened. I suggested he see the other person, but he chose to see me. So, she was calling to find out why I'd seen the guy.

I said, "He called me and we booked an appointment. He then mentioned he had one with you. I suggested he see you instead of me but he chose to see me."

She sputtered, "But . . . but ... that's not fair!" I managed not to spray coffee out my nose. I said, "Hmm." She said, "Well, at least the insurance company admitted they were wrong and are going to pay me for the session." I said, "Um hmm." Unsatisfied that I hadn't made the world fair for her, she rung off.

On the other side of the coin, friends of ours have successfully brought their kids up not to expect fairness. I remember one story when Dar, who teaches with the mom, drove her and her daughter. The adults were to drop off the daughter at day care and then go on to school. The mom buckled the kid into the back seat, and climbed into the front. The kid pouted and wailed, "I thought you'd come and sit back here with me." The mom indicated she knew what she was doing and would sit up front. The kid went, "That's not fair!" Mom replied, "Well, life is shit and then you die." The kid cried, "I know!!!!" Clearly she'd heard that bit of wisdom before.

What's important about that story is that, from an early age (the kid was 3 at the time) she was learning not to expect people to treat her as being special. While she is "special" as in "a unique being," she is not "special" as in "more important that others." Here's the key. When people scream, "That's not fair!" they don't want fairness, as in equality. They want special treatment.

Back to the teen. So, she feels like the "odd man out." What's she really asking for? Well, at one level, she is saying, "Parents should love all their children the same." And parents, of course, do spout that nonsense to their kids, to stop them from fighting over, "Mommy loves you best!" Parents don't love their children the same. They relate to each child as a result of their own thoughts, compassion and prejudices.

What the teen really meant, and later admitted, was, "I want my parents to love me most. I don't want to share their love with my younger sibs. I had them to myself for a year, and I still want their total devotion and attention." This helps us to unpack what "fair" means for most people and in most situations.

Fair means, "I want to be treated as special, never have anything go wrong and always get my way. I want my needs considered above everyone else's. I want all sickness, war, poverty and pestilence to stop, at least as it affects me, and I want it to stop now! My parents should be perfect, my partner perfect, my kids perfect. What I mean by perfect is that they act like I want them to, never get sick or die on me, and always strive to keep me happy. Anything less just isn't fair."

Such thinking makes sense for a three-year-old that wants mommy in the back seat. It is a tad lame coming from a teen wanting to be an only child. It is pathetic on an adult who expects deferential, preferential treatment and then whines because "life is shit and then you die."

Doesn't matter what your justification, nor how you put it. "My husband works all the time and won't help with the kids. I need time for myself and he's not pulling his weight." Message? "It's not fair." Actually just had this conversation with a client. When I wouldn't tell her whether I thought her husband wasn't being fair, she sighed and said, "I suppose you want me to talk about whether I want to stay married. I don't think this is going to change. I may need to leave."

That latter statement was painful, but closer to what is actually up. Her husband's actions indicate he values his job more than spending time with wife and kids. His mouth says the opposite, but as you know, I take what people say with a big grain of salt. I'm principally concerned with what they do. For her to wait for fairness (or, secretly, for her to want me to tell her husband he isn't being fair) means she'll be stuck forever.

Have a look at your "fairness list." Write it out and notice how hard-done-by you feel. Then, give yourself a shake, burn the list and decide what you're going to do to get over the need to have more, to get your way, to be protected from life and to be treated as special.

It won't work, because you're not.