The Myth of No Consequences

10 Myths to Live Without

---

The Myth of Family Bonds
The Myth of Fairness
The Myth of No Consequences
The Myth of Sex Equalling Intimacy
The Myth of Absolute Truth
The Myth of Altruism
The Myth of "Shoulds"
The Myth of Right and Wrong
The Myth of Scarcity
The Myth of a Soul Mate

---

The Myth of No Consequences

I'm going to see if I can't be brief again today - not to get you used to that, of course. Dar and I are just back from BC. I went out to meet Dar's friends from her Phase 1 experience, which I'm sure she'll write about after she gets settled. We then took off to Port Elgin so I could work with my clients, and we spent the night with a good friend. Then off to Peterborough to pick up our dog and see Dar's side of the family. And last night we hung around with two of our very best friends. Jim and Cathy have been in our lives for more than a decade, and saw us through the "Church exit" times, among other things. And I've had a hand in many of the learnings they have had.

We were talking about how life unfolds over years, and how the initiation of an action leads to consequences that seem to go on like ripples from a pond. My choice to do Phase 1 at Haven in 1996 led, inexorably, to my being tossed out of the Church, which led to my taking my counselling practice full time, and which led to moving, and starting up the Web site and Into the Centre. It led to my Port Elgin office, to multiple courses at Haven, and now to a place of starting to expand their courses out here. (More on that soon!)

It also led to my making some deep friendships - I got to connect with a lot of those friends last weekend. And it led to Dar's two pilgrimages West. In her case, you could say that the consequences of our meeting in 1982 led to her eventual trip to Haven. As I've watched her develop depth in her personality over the years, as I've watched her choose her relationships and her methods (sometimes making choices I wasn't so sure about - but in the main just watched) I've seen her progression to true wisdom.

One of the prices of this walk is that nothing happens quickly. I briefly worked with a guy who was the spouse of a client. He came in twice. He also had a PhD, which says something - I'm not sure what. He wasn't happy in his marriage because things "kept happening." Like parents dying and his sex life wasn't interesting any more. He loudly declared that he knew for a fact that relationships were easy. All you had to do was meet the right person and there would be no problems, great sex and nothing to resolve.

That this was his fourth marriage, and that he had several relationships on the side and had yet to find "Ms. Perfect" did not dissuade him. It was not his responsibility - he had no responsibility. The women he chose and lived with all, mysteriously, ended up to be somehow "wrong." Peter Pan-like, he still searches the world for "no consequences, no hassle."

I don't figure it should be tough for anyone to find a partner, once we accept responsibility for our side of things. I'm in my third marriage. Round one lasted just over a year, round 2 lasted 9 years, and Dar and I have been together for 19 years. The change, for me, came when I realized, prior to finding Dar, that I didn't know that much about relationships. I had to learn to let go of my need to run things and I had to learn to communicate. In other words, even though there were aspects of my previous relationships that I could "blame" on my other partners, ultimately, I had to accept total responsibility for my own failures.

Thus, the consequences of my behaviour are simple to discover. The consequence of my behaviour is my life.

It's oh so easy to justify any behaviour, to believe anything about ourselves, and to completely miss how we, and we alone, get ourselves into the messes we find ourselves in. We get all dewy-eyed in our beginnings of whatever, and pat ourselves on the heads for what we have (single-handedly and perfectly, of course!) set in motion. Then, as time and depth increase, and the inevitable difficulties arise, well, that's the fault of others.

We learned this as kids, when we found out about punishments. We break something and get sent to our room. Most kids have trouble thinking, "Gee, I broke that, and this is a fair consequence." No, we come up with, "It's not my fault. I didn't know better. They don't love me." And then, because something else will always happen, we learn to lie. We blame others. "I didn't do it, Tommy did!" If no one else is around, we're limited to "It wasn't me!" or "It was an accident. I shouldn't have to pay the price of an accident!" Kids hate consequences. And most kids never grow up.

I remember a case some years ago where two University students climbed over a fence at the top of a mountain on their campus, this being the University of Colorado. They went down the hill on a toboggan, despite prominent warning signs. The fence itself was 8 feet high. They crashed into a tree; one was killed the other became a quadriplegic. The survivor sued. She won. 8 million or so. Reason? The University didn't do "everything possible" to stop her. I wonder if they expected machine gun turrets?

See, to me, here's a couple of adults, making choices, disregarding warnings, because, hey, everyone knows they have rights!!!!! They have the right to slide down a mountain on a toboggan. How dare the University put up signs and fences. Don't they know they're adults, wise in the ways of the world?

Well, spare me from the self-declared wise. They usually can't find their ass with both hands and a map.

Then, crash. "Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't know better. I'm just a kid. I shouldn't be paralysed. It's all your fault. You should have stopped me, posted a guard, tackled me and dragged me, kicking and screaming (so I could sue you for dragging me, touching me, something) from the hill.

In other words, I have unlimited freedom of action, and no responsibility when I screw up. And our world condones this crap.

Every choice, every action, has consequences. They are your consequences, created when you chose and/or acted. The state of your job, your relationships (all of them) your health - all of it is a consequence of your choices. No exemptions, no excuses.

And if you want to scream, "It's not fair!" see last week's issue.