The Myth of "Shoulds"

10 Myths to Live Without

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The Myth of Family Bonds
The Myth of Fairness
The Myth of No Consequences
The Myth of Sex Equalling Intimacy
The Myth of Absolute Truth
The Myth of Altruism
The Myth of "Shoulds"
The Myth of Right and Wrong
The Myth of Scarcity
The Myth of a Soul Mate

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The Myth of "Shoulds"

Shoulds are actually the personalization of absolutes. In other words, a "should" is a statement that some truth is self-evident. The emphasis moves from, "This is "true" for everyone" to "I should," or "You should." To say it again, the emphasis is on how "obvious" the should is. Even though, as we all know, nothing is obvious.

I'm saying there's not a hell of a lot that is self-evident, or even evident.

It doesn't matter how craftily you word a "should" - it's all the same nonsense. Dropping the actual word "should" and saying, "If you love me, you'd understand me," is just as lame as "Understanding your partner is the mark of a good relationship." They're the same as, "You should understand me." All of which begs the question, "Why should I be interested in understanding you? Maybe you're boring."

I love watching my niece grow up. She's turned into quite the young lady. And part of that growing is discovering that she doesn't agree with her parents' perceptions. She's beginning to evaluate her core, Rock (see my book, Living Life in Growing Orbits) beliefs. She is, however, not deconstructing ( article 1, article 2) her beliefs. She's doing the normal, teen thing. She's replacing (without thought) her parents' structures with those of her peer group.

We were talking about sex and dating, and she said "I can't talk to my parents about this stuff." I asked her what she did do. "I ask my friends," was her reply. Now, as an adult, I listen to that reply and wonder, "What could another 15-year-old possibly know about that or any other topic?" I hold my tongue and offer to listen and answer the questions she chooses to ask me. I know she needs to do this little dance of trading one fervently held view for another equally rigid belief. I just hope she gets over it.

Odds are, though, she won't. Not without help. Her goal, as is the goal of most folk, is to keep shifting around beliefs, trying to find the "correct list," the perfect list of shoulds, without ever questioning the premise, "Why do I think I should do anything?" (More on right and wrong next week.)

We don't ask this question because we believe in shoulds. As kids, we hear stuff like, "You should be ashamed of yourself." Parents do this to us to get us to fit in to their preconceived notions of how we "should" behave. The only thing we really learn is that big people think that there is a universal list of shoulds that coincidently matches what those big people already believe.

Much of relationship distress is a direct result of having a "should list" regarding how a "husband" or "wife" or partner ought to be. We grasp onto this list as if it is real, as opposed to a construction of our imagination and our culture. Then, in our ignorance and audacity, we compare our partner to the list, find them lacking, and try to change them. All of this happens because we give more power to an imagined list than to the person I see standing before me.

A much, much better question is this:

given my perception of this person,
do I choose to be in relationship with him / her?

What this gains us is a true understanding of what's happening. If I don't relate with someone, it's not because they are violating my list of shoulds. I don't like the way they are behaving … wait for it … because I don't like the way they are behaving.

That's not to say that people don't screw up. It's about whether I think I have the right to attempt to impose my "shoulds" on another. So, say I'm in a highly functional relationship. I could then say, "Here is what I am noticing that you are doing, and here is what I make of it." This would not be a request for change. This would be a statement of my observations, which you can take or leave. If, however, you are in relationship with me, I would want to have an understanding with you that when I comment, you would actually look at what you are doing, not simply dismiss what I am saying as being "my issue." In other words, my comments would cause you to look at yourself for relevancy. And vice versa.

(At the the same time, I would choose to listen to what I am saying and "objecting to," and I would ask myself, "Do I think there is some way my partner "should" be behaving that I can let go of?")

The point of commenting is to create an environment of exploration for both parties. It is not to get everyone to agree on one mode of being (one list of shoulds.) Thus, we may agree on a communication model, not from force (we "should,") but from a place of mutual agreement regarding the value of clear and direct communication. Thus, the model is self-responsible and self-directed.

Comparing a person to an abstraction and then trying to get the person to change to fit the abstraction simply does not work.

When I see that what I want and what I am getting does not match, I have three choices,

1. I can accept the difference without complaint, and simply be curious, or
2. I can whine, manipulate and try to control the person into changing, "seeing the light," "waking up," "getting it," and make life miserable for them until they do, or
3. I can leave.

The middle option is, by far, the most common. My present favourite, direct from the mouths of clients: "I'll treat you with respect when you stop drinking." "I'll stop drinking when you treat me with respect." Both are indignantly superior in their "rightness," their, "everyone knows how you should be behaving-ness." And, of course, nothing changes.

This week, notice your shoulds, your "Gee, your life would be better if only you would change to make me happy" list. Notice your, "I just don't get why you don't change. It's self-evident" comments. Find your own place. Stop. Breathe. Look at your options. Then, work toward choice 1 or choice 3.

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We Get Letters...

Dar's friend John Sanger recently told her a story about an experience he had at Disengaging Depression, yet another Haven event. She liked the story so much she asked John to write it out for Into the Centre. Here it is!

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While participating in a course called Disengaging Depression at Haven by the Sea, I was asked to do a visualization of what my depression looked like to me and to have a dialogue with it. I began with laying on my back and closing my eyes. I then began the deep breathing to get me focused on the visualization. At first it was difficult to get a clear picture, but slowly my depression began to take on a shape. It seemed to be big and round, so huge that it made me feel very small and helpless. I thought it wanted to smother me. It then seemed to develop a face, an ugly hairy one like some kind of ogre. It seemed to be laughing at me. I had achieved the first stage of objectifying my depression and making it "tangible."

I was then asked by the course leaders to begin a private dialogue with my depression. I ranted at it, "Why don't you go away! Don't you know how miserable you make me feel! I feel terrible, I hurt, I want to cry, I want to shut down! I FEEL SO MISERABLE! WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL SO AWFUL?"

To this, my depression's response was, "Tough shit, John, you created me."

"Oh, yes, right," I replied, feeling somewhat stupid.

My depression then seem to take on a more kinder, softer visage and went on to say, "You created me because at the time you needed me. There was a reason for me coming into existence. That reason was to send you a message, and at the same time, to shut you down a bit so you didn't overload your circuits."

"What was the message?" I asked.

"You know, don't you John? The message was to begin to look at all the stuff inside you that you haven't really looked at before. All the childhood issues, the false beliefs about yourself, the unmet expectations, the holding back of expressing your true self. You know, all that 'STUFF'."

At that moment a calmness overcame me. I had an image of my depression seeming like being wrapped in a straight jacket - where, in fact, the arms are not tied. I can escape any time I choose!! I realized that my depression was really my friend, the part of me that has compassion for me. I really had created it to "get my attention." It was only through the pain of feeling so miserable that I was forced to begin my self - examination or "deconstruction" so that I could begin again my journey of self- growth and connection with my spirit.

From now on, whenever depression rears its ugly head, I know that I can "un-create" it as easily as I create it, and it won't stick around as long as it did before I realize it is my friend. ( Well, maybe not exactly a friend, but perhaps something to which I need to pay attention and ask myself what the message is that I am supposed to get!!)

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John also wrote: By way of background: I separated from my wife of 23 years in 1994. Spent the next 5 years making new friends and searching for a new relationship. Trying to survive the singles scene and not liking it very much. Came close to a relationship once or twice but nothing ever clicked. The longer this went on the more desperate I became to have someone in my life. I was scared I would have to live my life alone.

In 1999 I met a woman who was very recently separated and also very needy. She was crazy about me and seem to fit into my life so perfectly. We had the kind of fantastic sex life that I had always dreamed of. I thought my life was perfect. Except that we didn't really communicate on any deep or meaningful level. We didn't have a mechanism to deal with problems. When a major issue did arise after eight months, she didn't know how to express herself and I, not wanting the relationship to end, went into denial and didn't hear or see that she was having major problems.

When she suddenly ended the relationship, I allowed myself to be totally devastated. It didn't help that afterward she refused to have any kind of dialogue about what was really going on for us. The pain of the devastation led me to seek counselling.

In March of 2000 my counsellor told me about two guys by the name of Ben and Jock who were coming to Winnipeg to do a weekend workshop in early April. That was a very busy time for me at work and I didn't think I had the time to go, but I was in such bad shape that I went anyway. Ben and Jock, of course, really impressed me. I borrowed a copy of their New Manual For Life and found it very interesting.

My counsellor suggested I go to Haven and do a "Come Alive" in July 2000. She was somewhat evasive about what it was all about! I decided to go and give it a try. It was an awesome experience. It was there that I met Darlene. We didn't get to know each other all that well there, but there were some things that she described about herself that resonated for me and I decided to get in touch with her to see if we could maintain some contact. I am glad that I did because we have since become good friends.

Through Darlene ( and others from our Come Alive group) I became aware of Wayne's writings. I avidly devoured "The List of 50" [ it hasn't worked quite perfectly yet, Wayne] and then all his other booklets. I am currently working through Living Life in Growing Orbits. I am a big fan of Into The Centre and look forward to it every week.

I very much cherish my connection with both of them. Since knowing them and my trips to Haven, I have radically altered the way I view life and the way I see myself and the world around me. Do I believe in synchronicity and the cosmos providing me with what I need? You bet I do! This summer I returned to Haven for ten days to do Come Alive II and Disengaging Depression. Once again the experience had a profound affect on me. I still have a long way to go on my journey, but I am delighted to have some wonderful people, like Dar and Wayne, to share it with me.