The Myth of Right and Wrong

10 Myths to Live Without

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The Myth of Family Bonds
The Myth of Fairness
The Myth of No Consequences
The Myth of Sex Equalling Intimacy
The Myth of Absolute Truth
The Myth of Altruism
The Myth of "Shoulds"
The Myth of Right and Wrong
The Myth of Scarcity
The Myth of a Soul Mate

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The Myth of Right and Wrong

I suspect that, when most people say, "That's wrong!" they mean simply that they'd be scared to do it. The reason for this is how we learn right from wrong. When we are kids, doing "wrong" gets us hurt or punished, "right" gets us rewarded. Funny thing is, though, the vast majority of things declared to be right and wrong by our parents and tribes are simply their personal preferences.

Secondarily, there's the whole issue (discussed at length in Ben Wong & Jock McKeen's A New Manual for Life) of the repression of the authentic self that goes on as a part of human conditioning. Babies come into the world with a full skill set, and of all of that "stuff," some of it will be approved of, and other parts will be rejected.

I have a friend who remembers having a deeply artistic bent when she was a kid. Her parents were in the sciences, and through all kinds of manipulations, kept reinforcing the idea that "the arts are for donations," and "painting is not a career." So, around age 8, she stopped all forms of painting and art.

As a teen, she rebelled, in a typically teen way. She didn't go back and check her assumptions - she had bought into the "I'm not an artist" and "Being an artist is bad" stuff - she simply dropped out of High School and became a secretary, rather than go into the sciences as her parents wanted. She figured "that'll show them!" Of course, she really only hurt herself.

Ten years went by. During that time she painted three paintings. She hid them in her room. I saw one, one day, of three people in a very hot clinch. We started talking about art. Over time, the story came out, and through our talking she enrolled in a University Arts program. But there's more to the story.

When she was a teen, mom and dad were very critical of her appearance, and her mother spoke to her negatively about sex. Both messages "went in," with different expressions:

• As an adult, she's quite attractive and well-proportioned, but when she paints or draws self-portraits, she draws herself as old, ugly and fat. Because mom and dad taught her that her body was wrong.
• Although sexually active since 14, she doesn't enjoy sex much. Her best paintings are quite erotic, and as soon as she cranks one out, she does a mental "Bad!!!" and the next dozen or so are pap. She learned that sex was fun and a good way to attract men, and learned from mom that sex, too, was wrong.

Each of her beliefs - her "good and bad list" - come from her formative years - and it is so for all of us.

Actually, I heard a similar story yesterday. A new client told me she was the best artist in her school. In grade 6, she was given the assignment of cutting a picture out of a magazine and enlarging it using the grid method. Her teacher thought the end result was so excellent she posted it in the hall.

The next day, the principal called my client into his office. He told her she was a nasty child and her artwork was disgusting. It seems she had picked a picture of a nude woman. The woman's breasts and crotch were covered with the word "censored." She didn't know what the word meant. She just liked the look of the woman. Needless to say, to this day she hasn't drawn anything. I can't wait to hear her ideas about nudity.

Even as we get older and change some of the items on our good / bad list, (Dar, for example, since meeting me, eats fish,) the hard part is getting people to buy the idea of doing away with the lists entirely. The problem with lists is that they let people off the hook - from thinking. All people, given the encouragement (notice that word en-courage-ment) have the ability to make ethical and behavioural choice on the fly.

Dar and I have been experimenting with a radical idea since we met. It's simple. If something scares us, we do it. And, if something interests us, we do that, too. This attitude allows us to recognize any "right / wrong rules" we might have. We then examine the rule and see if it makes sense. In other words, if we decide to do something despite our fear, will the sky fall in? Better, we think, to actually find out by our own experience than to stop ourselves based upon someone else's opinion.

Which is not to say that I'm hankering to try Russian roulette. That would violate my "the sky might fall in" check-point. I also have opted out of bungee jumping. Same reason. And that reason is, "I'm scared and this could kill me."

On the other hand, exploring the pieces of my skill set that my parents taught me to put away, exploring actually liking and using and training my body, exploring being sensual and sexual and not feeling shame - well, that's a different story.

Take a look at the things you declare, in yourself, to be bad. Are they really bad or did they just fly in the face of what your tribe wanted of you? Explore what you judge to be wrong about others. Same criteria. Is it wrong, or just different? And lastly, look at those actions and acts you think might be fun - no - wait! are wrong!!!!

Why? What would it be like, with a clear heart and total honesty, to give one or two a chance? Then decide if you want to repeat the experience.

Because, speaking for me, I don't want to be lying on my death-bed with a ton of regrets.

If it's scary, chargy or new, just do it.