The Myth of Scarcity

10 Myths to Live Without

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The Myth of Family Bonds
The Myth of Fairness
The Myth of No Consequences
The Myth of Sex Equalling Intimacy
The Myth of Absolute Truth
The Myth of Altruism
The Myth of "Shoulds"
The Myth of Right and Wrong
The Myth of Scarcity
The Myth of a Soul Mate

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The Myth of Scarcity

I just had the opportunity to spend some time with my niece and nephew. As I started to write this article, I began to think about their attitude regarding money. (No, I'm not equating scarcity / abundance with money. This is simply one of many illustrations.) I used to cringe a little when my niece talked about how much she spent on clothes, or stuff. My nephew announced that he'd bought a big stereo system - he was at pains to point out that it cost a lot and that it's almost as good as mine.

The flash I just had is this. Neither of them have credit cards. The money they have to spend, they earn, or get as, say, a birthday gift. My niece has money in the bank, and usually some in her pocket. To the point where her dad decided, upon leaving our place, to go shopping, and said, "I'll have to borrow some money from our daughter." My niece is wearing 79-dollar jeans that she earned. My nephew had an expensive stereo (and a new tattoo!) that he earned. They are not wealthy compared to adults, yet have the things appropriate to their effort and age.

As opposed to teens that sit on their butts and expect their parents to provide whatever they desire. They learned this behaviour when, as kids, they were given anything they asked for. This is the kid, screaming in the candy line - and mom buys the candy to get the kid to shut up. The parent's choice to buy a moment's silence contributes to producing a person who thinks they'll get what they want by simply wanting it. And if simply wanting it isn't enough, then they'll whine. And if whining isn't enough, they'll wail that "it isn't fair" that they can't have what they want. And if that doesn't work, they'll try to steal what they want from another. And if that doesn't work, they'll get elected to public office, and make the meeting of their wants public policy.

Such people think that not having things they didn't earn demonstrates a shortage, an unfairness, an unequal distribution of wealth - a scarcity. Of whatever.

Here's a hint - there is no scarcity of things - there is a scarcity of self-responsibility and motivation.

Most couples that come in for relationship counselling declare that there is a scarcity of intimacy in their relationship. (Of course, they don't use those words - it's what they mean, though.) They then, loudly and at great length, describe what their partner has to do in order for there to be more intimacy. Each feels that the other person should change - and part of the change they want their partner to make is to stop insisting that they change. I hear, "If you loved me you'd change. You'd stop doing all the things I don't like, and you'd stop criticizing me and accept me as I am."

The one person comes up for air, and their partner then says the same thing. Never mind that this approach has never worked. Never mind that what they are asking for is a relationship that doesn't cost anything. No, they declare, indignantly, they are being deprived of their just due through the selfishness of their partner.

Well, crap. As my 15-year-old niece and 16-year-old nephew have already learned, nothing is free - everything costs something.

There is no scarcity in relationship -
unless you expect something for nothing.

And many do. I'll ask them how they communicate at work. They'll say they are a highly respected and highly paid manager of people, and communicate well. I ask them if they use the same skills at home. They get indignant. "I work hard at work! I don't want to have to work hard at home, too!" As if that explains everything. Well, actually, it does.

The belief being "sold" is this: "By virtue of my entitlement, I deserve special treatment." When put that way, it's no different from a kid screaming in a candy line. On the other hand, as an adult, if I want the candy, I can have it any time I want, so long as I've earned the money to pay for it. Now, how does this apply to personal entitlement?

Entitlement thinks that, just because I say so, I should get what I want. I will, of course, come up with "reasons." I'll say, "I'm the bread-winner, so what I say goes." or, "I'm sensitive, you can't treat me that way," or "Every so often I really turn ugly, and you'll just have to put up with it." Never mind that the first person is an ignorant ass, the second is a simpering manipulator and the third is an undisciplined sod. Such behaviour paradoxically always gets the entitled person what they deserve (broken relationships.) It just never gets them what they want.

The way out, and of course there is one, is the willingness to pay for abundance.

• I will get out of my relationships exactly what I put in. Actually, I'll get more than I put in. If I am open, accessible, curious - as opposed to expecting the other person to "behave," and if I choose only to hang around and be in relationship with people who act the same way, I will be met with openness, accessibility and curiosity.
• If I want a career that I love, I have to pay whatever is due in order to have that career. I have to educate myself, and likely I'll have to "work my way up." As a therapist, for example, I had to get yet another masters degree, and be an Intern counsellor - someone who knew what they were doing watched me and my cases for 2 years. I still run difficult cases past Gloria and / or Dar. I pay Gloria for therapy. Contrast this to people who think that they are "doing counselling" because they took a course once or their friends tell them they ask good questions. It would be like someone doing brain surgery because they saw it once on ER.

When people talk about scarcity (be it of intimacy, money, jobs, whatever) what they usually mean is that what they want (as if what we want should matter) didn't drop into their laps. Magical thinking requires that life is easy and things "just happen." Too bad about reality intruding.

I remember once working with a woman who wanted to be an artist. She got her husband to build her a 1200-foot studio. She never completed any projects, because she was afraid publishers wouldn't like her work. (She was illustrating children's' books she'd written.) She couldn't understand why no one would just give her money, sight unseen, for her uncompleted work. (Entitlement # 1)

Then, she fell in lust with the carpenter who built the addition. This is when she came to see me. She was entitled, (entitlement # 2) she told me, to a deep and meaningful relationship with the carpenter (who was also married) and was entitled (# 3) to have the permission and blessing of her husband, the carpenter's wife (# 4)  wife and all their kids (# 5), while at the same time staying with her husband (# 6) and having him pay all the bills! (# 7) Because, you know, she wanted (# 8) this relationship, and it was good for her (# 9), and people should understand (# 10).

I allowed that she could ask for all of this, and had to be prepared for her husband to scream "NO!" as the door hit her backside (Reality 101). She patiently explained to me that this would not happen, because God wanted her to have this relationship (entitlement from God) - and who was I to try to trump God? and what she wanted from me (entitlement of the "self-declared "wise" - "I need help and don't know what to do. My life is a mess. Here is what you should say in order to help me.") was to help her get her affirmation just right, so that she'd get what she wanted. She claimed, loud and clear, that she didn't have a relationship problem - she had a faulty affirmation. (I'd never heard a brain called an affirmation before, but I digress.) I fired her. From what I hear through the gossip mill, both marriages disintegrated, the lusting couple aren't speaking and the studio is empty. But boy, she was entitled to everything - everything she got.

You can't have something just because you want it. No, life costs. Relationships cost. They require a full-bodied commitment, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The price is commitment. It's not lying to yourself, manipulating people, running around half cocked. Abundance is there, not for the taking, but for the earning. We can have anything we are willing to pay for, in time, talent, effort and money.

What there isn't is a free ride.