It Doesn't Really Matter Why

Phoenix Philosophy

This is a continuation of last week's article series, which I dubbed, long ago, The Phoenix Philosophy. This article first appeared in the Summer 1988 issue of
The Phoenix Flyer.

Many times clients want to understand the origins of their issues. This, I think, is assumed to pass for insight. Yet, what's really going on here is a form of resistance.

There is nothing wrong with understanding. We all need to take the time to explore who we are and why we look at the world with  our own set of prejudices. We need to understand that poor self-image, like as not, arose from the messages conveyed by parents, sibs, teachers, the church and the other institutions of our childhood and youth.

That being said, we want to avoid spending too much time in the all too fertile field of "why," or "why me?" We all know what part of the cow fertilizes the field... spend too much time wandering around there and it should come as no surprise that some sticks to your shoes.

In the final analysis, it is not important if your parenting, for example, is responsible for your issue. Knowing that mommy or daddy was not a good parent and 45 cents (adjusted for inflation) will get you a cup of coffee.

Rather, it is imperative to move from the "field" of understanding to the place of insight. Here, you see how you react to situations, due to your conditioning. From there, you can choose to consciously and carefully find another way.

This means recognizing that behaviours are simply (???!!!) choices made about how to cope with the world. For the most part, those choices were made unconsciously, as a means of self-preservation. The problem is that while they were appropriate in that initial situation, they have little or no intrinsic value in the here and now.

Here and now requires a response, not a knee-jerk reaction. It it imperative that you consider just who the jerk IS that is connected to that knee. The jerk is not the parent of long ago.. the jerk is thee.

This is a hard lesson. It feels good to blame your misery on another. It seems an appropriate place to stop. But this is a blind alley. To respond is to bypass the initial reaction, deal with the emotion, and from a place of clarity, come to a decision about a response.

Which implies action. Talking or thinking about change is about as useful as cursing the weather or the Blue Jays. It feels good, but nothing changes.

On the other hand, the peaceful warrior acts from a place of understanding, love and care. The action performed affirms one's humanity, but never at the expense of the other person. From a place of peace, you recognize the no one has the power to hurt you. You hurt you. Knowing this truth frees you to serve others without fear, without manipulation and with complete trust in yourself. And in knowing yourself, you find the strength to do whatever is necessary so that your action is conscious and free.

You can stay or go, speak or be silent, laugh or cry... coming from a place of consciousness... a place that does not judge nor condemn... but simply is.

It is good to understand. It is better to move beyond understanding to insight. It is better to live your insight in action and in response. Responsibility for your actions says it all - response-ability... the ability... the choice to choose. The response of responding. This is the choice to truly live.

There is a tendency in life to wrestle with one's internal demons, but to do whatever is necessary to make the match an ineffective one. There is great fear connected to waking up and seeing what is actually going on. And the "going on" is always about what you are doing and how you are thinking. Always.

As we mention around here once in a while, we are all conditioned by our upbringing. We have been feed an amazing quantity of bullshit, (there was a poster about this - "Students are like Mushrooms" - feed 'em bullshit and keep them in the dark, but I digress) prejudices and misinformation. Then, we go to school and get fed some more. Then we turn into teens, and the major mark of that decade is our incredible thick-headedness, combined with a sense that we actually know something. The vast majority of people never get past this perspective. 

From there, we move out into the world - having babies, getting into relationships. And we perpetuate what we have been taught, adding in our own little twists.

The acorn, as they say, seldom falls far from the tree. Not without help.

I was talking with a client the other day. She's been in and out of therapy for some time, and is quick to remind me of all that she knows. She is presently "uninvolved" and is "looking" yet again. Apart for a 2-year marriage, (which failed and is still tripping merrily through the courts) she's never been in a relationship that his lasted. She is convinced that the issue is the men. They just can't handle her wisdom and her passion.

She's on the hunt, and has decided to find someone who has a therapist. She figures that this will narrow the field. She's right. But I was quick to point out to her one thing - going to therapy is something anyone with a couple of bucks can pull off. Learning something in therapy is another fish altogether. Methinks her issues are internal.

 Reading the right books, attending lectures and workshops, having alternative experience - all are worthwhile - if and only if you use these processes to let yourself move beyond your conditioning. A mark that you are not moving - your life does not change. All that changes is the cast of characters.

Insight involves looking inside and seeing, with clarity and focus, what you are doing with your self and with your life. It is also seeing, with clarity and focus, what the people you are "with" are doing in theirs. This is a process of judgement and discernment.

Sometimes, you just have to dig deep, to wrestle with your nature, and to identify with those parts of your self that are keeping you stuck, sick, toxic. Those parts are you, and the only problem is that these mouthy, arrogant, dipstick parts think they are starring in the stage show of your life - as opposed to residing in the chorus.

The direction of our work is to accept these aspects, while at the same time making better choices about how, when or whether to enact these aspects. That's the wrestling part.

This week, have a close look at what you are doing with your life and how you are living it. Go talk to your therapist and commit to really changing things. You don't have forever.