10 Principles

Phoenix Philosophy

This is a continuation of last week's article series, which I dubbed, long ago, The Phoenix Philosophy. This article first appeared in the Spring 1989 issue of  The Phoenix Flyer.

I've decided, in this instalment of the Phoenix Philosophy, to talk about rules for life.

Rule 1 - The way you look at life is uniquely your own.

Clients frequently want me to help them to persuade someone else that their view of reality is "wrong." It seems to them crucial that the other person admit that they have made a mistake in perception or action. In actuality, the way we see events, actions, discussions, personalities, whatever… is nothing more than the way we perceive them. We choose how and what we give meaning to. That others may not agree with our perception simply means that they perceive the situation differently. Period.

Rule 2 - If you expect that another person should change their behaviour so that you can be happy, you're in for a long wait.

If only my husband didn't yell…if only my mother would mind her own business…if only my wife would stop picking on me…THEN I'd be happy. No one is here to do things because you want them to. No one will willingly change simply because you want them to. Your happiness being dependant on the behaviour of another is simply a piece your errant view of life. (see Rule 1)

In actuality, waiting for another to change is a convenient way to avoid changing your side of the situation. It's also a way to always have someone else to blame for feeling miserable.

Rule 3 - Emotions cannot be controlled. Behaviours (responses) can be controlled.

No matter how wise we become, we still have our emotions to deal with. And our emotions simply occur, unbidden. We hear a tone of voice that we connect with anger, and we react to it by becoming angry or afraid. We see a certain look in our child's eye, and we feel resentful and put upon. Interestingly enough, however, we can create space between the emotion and our response, and in that moment, we can CHOOSE to respond in any way we want. What this eliminates is the need for the other person to do anything other than what they are presently doing. The situation changes as soon as we do.

Rule 4 - Anger simply delays the inevitable.

Sure, we have to express anger. So, beat the mattress with a tennis racquet. Drive nails into 2 x 4's. Whatever. Or simply stop and decide if the thing is worth getting angry about in the first place. (See Rule 3) I was building a shelf last week and I put it together backward. I could have jumped up and down and thrown things and generally had a strong negative reaction to my mistake. Then, I would have had to clean up the mess. Following this, I would have had to repair the shelf. Simpler, I decided, to skip the fireworks and simply repair the shelf.

Rule 5 - Actions speak louder than words.

(Where is Bartlett when you need it? Who said this?) Anyway, plagiarism aside, we often wonder why our spouses or kids end up reacting in ways we don't like. Almost always, that's what they've seen us do. Pressuring someone to talk more means that they'll talk less. Why not simply demonstrate meaningful conversation and work with the response at hand? Kids learn to respect you when you respect them.

Rule 6 - All systems need clearly stated rules and boundaries.

This is especially true with kids. They need, as young kids, to know what's OK and what will happen if they cross that line. The discipline needs to be creative and enforced 100%. Otherwise, they simply learn to wait you out. I can't number the number of parents who come in, telling me that they yell at their kids all the time, and nothing happens. Of course something happens. The kids tune out the noise, watch the veins pop out in their foreheads and know that the yelling parent will shut up soon, and life will return to normal. In short, they won.

Rule 7 - Life is Hard (Scott Peck) - Life is a pain if you are inattentive.

There is no trick to a meaningful, content life. There is only paying attention, which is hard. There are issues and problems to confront. If you tune out, you will operate on autopilot, do the same dumb things you always do and wake up in a deep pile of trouble. Or, you can stay alert and in the moment and simply learn to respond to what life offers you as today's lesson.

Rule 8 - Attend to the moment.

We get exactly the lessons we need. Constantly. They are there to remind us of exactly what we are here to learn. We get better and better at dealing with the things we confront, but only if we are awake and aware and see them coming. To be alert is the hardest task in life. And also the most rewarding.

Rule 9 - Take care of yourself - then you can care about others.

People hear this and think it's selfish. Think, then, of yourself as being like a battery in a flashlight. Without a full charge, you produce little or no light. Therapists learn early on to shake off negative energy and to drop the client's issues as soon as he or she leaves the office. All of us must learn to retreat into ourselves or into the woods or wherever on a regular basis, to bring our energy level back up. It is the same in all of life. If you want the energy to successfully deal with family, friends, coworkers, etc. your energy must come first.

Rule 10 - The source of your strength is your Spirit

None of this would have any meaning if life itself had no meaning. We are servants through our vocations. We have the responsibility to seek wholeness and to teach wholeness to others. Spirituality is connectedness to the Ground of our Being - to that which transcends us. Without a sense of this connectedness, life sucks and you lose.

Well, those 12 "rules" or concepts still seem to be holding up. I think I'll put a little energy into each of them in turn over the next while, before continuing with new sections of the Phoenix Philosophy.

There's something crazy-making about the understanding that our world-view is unique. We've been conditioned by parents and society to try to fit in, and one of the first things we learn is to never, never comment on how we don't feel like we are a part of some rule or understanding or another.

There's something fearful about being unique in our perceptions and understandings. Which is why we run around trying so hard for consensus. As we form into couples or become friends, we make the mistaken assumption that this surely must mean that we think alike, talk alike and make decisions alike. Then, reality sets in.

We get into "right and wrong-making" because it seems a much safer place to go than, as Dar puts it, figuring out "what colour the sky is on your planet." The safer assumption is that the other person is simply wrong. Then we can play the, "I'll change your mind" game, or the "if you loved me you'd do it my way" game, or the "everyone knows" game, or the ever popular "my parents did it this way" game.

Which leads to untold hours of conflict, judgement and confusion.

In the end, it's much "easier" to simply indicate that we don't necessarily or easily see eye to eye. Our "bringing up" was different, and the skill set and understandings I bring to the situation are different from yours. At some points we will be so far apart as to seem from different planets. Not right and wrong. Just different.

My way out is to stop fearing being different. Then, I cam move to a place of acceptance of the differences as simply being differences, as opposed to affronts. From there, I can have a breath and be curious about you, or I can decide that the differences are too great and move on.

I see the world my way. Neither right nor wrong - it's a matter of whether or not my way "works" for me. Beyond me is you, and we will differ. Not right or wrong. Different. My approach, and your approach. And a decision, again and again, as to whether we continue, with curiosity, to dance.