Rule 3 - Emotions cannot be controlled. Behaviours (responses) can be controlled.

10 Principles, Rule 3

No matter how wise we become, we still have our emotions to deal with. And our emotions simply occur, unbidden. We hear a tone of voice that we connect with anger, and we react to it by becoming angry or afraid. We see a certain look in our child's eye, and we feel resentful and put upon. Interestingly enough, however, we can create space between the emotion and our response, and in that moment, we can CHOOSE to respond in any way we want. What this eliminates is the need for the other person to do anything other than what they are presently doing. The situation changes as soon as we do.

Most people, by the time they get to age 16 or so, have a peculiar relationship with their emotions. First of all, they may not even want to acknowledge that they have emotions.  Secondly, they might argue that their emotions are created by external factors, and are therefore out of their control. Thirdly, they might suggest that the response they make to the emotions they mostly deny is pre-programmed in either their genes or are hard-wired by their upbringing. Lastly, they will argue that the expression of their emotions is something that those around them (their nearest and dearest) should just put up with, because "that's just the way I am." This latter one can also be expressed as, "I don't have to take the needs or reactions of others into account when I act on my emotions."

Let's look at each of the above points, in turn:

1. Unacknowledged emotions. Let's face it; we in the West are not an overly emotional lot. What I'm getting at is that the main message of childhood is to stuff emotions. Parents aren't, in general, very good at tolerating a wide expression of emotions from their kids. For example, when teens get mad at their parents, they are often judged to be "disrespectful," as opposed to angry. "Disrespectful" is used to disguise the parent's inability to listen to the angry outburst of their child. This is so because most of us have been conditioned to cringe and make ourselves uncomfortable around anger. Rather than listening, then, to the message contained in the anger, the parent takes it personally, and attempts (usually through the application of power,) to force the teen to stuff the emotion. This results in the issue being unspoken and unresolved, plus the teen is taught (old information is reinforced) that their anger is really "disrespect." And, the teen is unable to provide accurate names for his/her emotion(s).

As a result of a lifetime of such stuffing and mis-identification, most folk have a limited repertoire of expressed emotions, and an extremely limited vocabulary to describe what they are feeling. For example, there's a scale for anger that runs from minor annoyance to murderous rage. What tends to come out of our mouths is, "Boy, I'm angry." This inability to describe the degree of the emotion is compounded by emotional confusion, where a person is sad and disappointed and has only "anger" as a way of expressing or describing the feeling.

2. External Causes. Again, blaming externals is a learned behaviour. Most of us have heard our parents, teachers, friends, lovers, partners say, "You make me so angry." It doesn't take many repetitions of such language for us to leap to the "logical" assumption that something external "makes" me feel a certain thing. From this, we posit that we have no choice about what we feel.

Rare indeed is the parent, teacher, friend, lover, partner who says, "Boy am I ever choosing to anger myself right now." (To all my Haven friends - yes, we do talk about this a lot, and have coined the term 'language police' to remind each other to keep our language correct.) One of the most profound learnings we can ever "get" is that what happens inside our skin is self-created. All of it.

This would include all feelings or emotions. No one makes me happy. No one makes me depressed. No one makes me horny. No one makes me passionate. No one, other than me. Which is a sort of half scary, half liberating sort of thing. Once we get it, it's not a far leap to recognizing that if I anger myself, I could also make other choices.

3. Emotional expression is governed by Nature or Nurture.  Zowie. How many times have you heard, "My dad had a lousy temper and so do I?" Or, "All the women in our family are emotional, and especially before our periods?" Or, "Given the parents and upbringing I had, how else could I behave?" (This is a total side-track, but I just stopped to open my mail. I received tickets to a lecture. On the ticket, I read that the speaker will be there, "Live. In person." To which I can only say, Thank God! Imagine how bad he'd smell if he was there "Dead. In person.")

Anyway, (as I wipe the smirk off my face) maybe I missed it, but I don't remember ever reading that research has demonstrated that emotional outbursts are genetically programmed. I might buy that, if someone sees their dad continually screaming at and demeaning their mother, that they might judge this behaviour to be "normal" and therefore do the same with their wife, but clearly they are not required to. While it is always easier to default to an old behaviour or understanding, (hell, it's automatic) that doesn't ever mean that this is the only choice.

For me, the deciding factor is, "Is the behaviour and method of expression getting me the results that I want?" And by that, I mean the lasting results I want. Often, for example, we choose to behave in a way that just dumps our stuff. We express anger, or we have a one-night-stand, and the initial feeling is one of release of tension. OK. However, looking at the long-term results (the feeling that returns, say of shame or guilt or self-disappointment) is a much better indicator of the value of the choice made.

4. "It's just the way I am." We have a pretty peculiar view of relationships. I can't count the number of clients I've had who expect their spouses to behave in a certain way, and are unwilling to change even one iota of their own behaviour. The oldest model of this one is, "I'm the guy and I can fool around, but woe betide my wife is she does."

Other illustrations abound. I gained a new client this week, 5 years into a relationship, who suffered through a year-long depression. She had a rough childhood, and never tires of reminding her husband of it. She periodically loses it completely, blaming, judging, and feeling sorry for herself. She writes her behaviour off (as above) to her upbringing, her inability to control herself, her need to blow up at "the other" - which means it's always about "the other," never about her.

She has a ton of expectations regarding how her husband should behave toward her, however. He's seen as not only responsible for how she feels, but responsible for "helping her" to keep herself under control. She expressed no doubt that, if he only applied himself, he'd be able to change his entire persona. She was equally unequivocal about how difficult; nigh impossible it would be for her to change.

All of the above leads us to treat our emotions as sacrosanct. We assume that just because we've been a certain way and acted a certain way, that there is no other way. And in this we become rigid and stuck in our behaviours, choices and responses.

Now, if I want to be callous and only consider my needs, wants and desires, then I guess it's OK for me to do anything I want to, to meet my needs. And if my only goal is to use people to meet my needs, then what they want and who they are is irrelevant. We might think of this as the sociopathic approach to life.

On the other hand, if I am intent on establishing a relationship with others, if I am intent on learning about myself through contact with others and through sharing who I am with them, then I can't simply go around doing whatever I want. The depth of my relationship(s) is/are directly tied to my willingness to be in control of the expression and processing of my emotions.

What this "looks like" is that I can say to Dar, for example, "I'm angering myself and I'd like to express it in your presence. Is that OK?" Upon her concurrence (If she doesn't, I can go be angry by myself, in another room,) I can structure an outburst of anger. On the other hand, if I'm angering myself and blame Dar or just yell and scream at her, I end up moving far away from my stated goal, which is to deepen my relationship with her.

None of this means that I can't express and ask for what I want in a relationship. What it does suggest is that my happiness and my way of being in the world is determined by how I choose to respond to the events of my life. I can express and hopefully negotiate my needs to be met, while at the same time negotiating the meeting of the needs of the person I am relating with. It's never "all about me," unless I am alone.

In the end, we have a range of emotions that we continually trigger and set off. That's me, doing me. In relationship, I need to own my games and my emotions. I need to remind myself of what I am seeking. If I am seeking depth with another, we are equal - and therefore the needs and wants of my partner matter just about as much as mine.

Or, I can blame, deflect and whine about how tough life is and how hard done by I am. And I will be alone. As usual, a clear-cut choice.

So, choose.