Rule 6 - All systems need clearly stated rules and boundaries.

10 Principles, Rule 6

This is especially true with kids. They need, as young kids, to know what's OK and what will happen if they cross that line. The discipline needs to be creative and enforced 100%. Otherwise, they simply learn to wait you out. I can't number the number of parents who come in, telling me that they yell at their kids all the time, and nothing happens. Of course something happens. The kids tune out the noise, watch the veins pop out in their foreheads and know that the yelling parent will shut up soon, and life will return to normal. In short, they won.

Rules and roles, boundaries and walls. For most of us, these are the tools with which we frame our existence and understand our identities. For most of us, we have these things clutched in a death-grip, and it feels like death to question them, let alone consider altering them or dropping some of them. Thus, many of the rules and roles, boundaries and walls are as old as the hills - or at least as old as you are.

I was working with a couple last night. The woman initiated therapy. In a sense, it's clear that

• he's there because she's there,
• that she has issues (he has some too, but he wasn't about to go to a therapist) and
• that there is going to be precious little peace unless he shows up.

On the other hand, he's frustrated and angry. He's also, as are many men, outgunned by his wife's gift at verbiage.

Sure, some men, myself included, can hold our own in the "volume of verbiage contest" that often passes for conversation. Still, after 20 years of doing counselling I've seen that women outclass men 3 to 1 in this game. Words flow like a river, but not much is being said. It's almost as if the rule is, "Now that I have your attention I am going to flood you with so much data about me, my feelings, you, your misbehaviours and us and the future of our relationship that you'll give up, do what I want, and also be delighted to be with me."

About 2/3 of the way through the session, the guy started talking about work stresses and wanting no stress at home - a decidedly guy thing that comes up a lot. This is the bizarre idea that the man's home is the man's castle, (not the couple's castle) and all the help (read the wife and kids) are there to be seen and not heard, to clean and get the place ready and tidy, and who cares if the guy gets home from work first. Now, he does go on about cutting the lawn and splitting the chores, but also said that he was tired having to continually "parent" his wife. She just seems incapable of completing the simplest chores he assigned.

I suspect he spoke for 5 minutes or less, total. During that time, his partner interrupted him 4 or 5 times to "correct him" or to point out how inconsiderate something he did was. Finally, he raised his hand in a "stop" sign, and said, "Quiet! I'm talking now!"

What I'm describing here is one couple's "rules of marital life," complete with their attendant roles. Their rules and roles are clearly different from the other's - and no consensus has been reached as to how they are going to operate. What they have as a default is, "I'll gripe and complain and you won't listen, then I'll cut you off." They just take turns going first.

Since all this does is erect walls, couples sometimes end up frustrated and come to see me. I work at getting a word in edgewise, and talk about how it's essential to have "conversations about conversations," using good communication rules. I talk about sharing feelings and letting feelings out, getting them out of the way - so that whatever is really going on can come out. And I talk about "conversations about the relationship itself," as in, "are we still committed to being together, or, after (in this case) 5 years, have we finally discovered that we don't have the stomach to continue?" This is a conversation that needs to be happening all the time, and especially in healthy relationships.

That's a scary conversation. Better to talk about buying the cat litter - a topic of great concern last night, by the way.

I pushed for the two of them to go home and begin this deeper conversation. The woman (again, predictably) leapt in with, "I do that all the time. He doesn't. Like tonight when I told him I really appreciated him cooking dinner, and he never tells me he appreciates it when I cook, and I need reassurance and encouragement, because I was depressed once and felt terrible and didn't trust myself and felt really bad about myself, and now I feel better about myself and value myself and he won't ever give me any reassurance so that I can continue to feel good about myself and I always do that for him except for now because I don't want to do it because he won't do it for me, and besides, all he wants to do is watch TV and sometimes I'd like to bash it with a baseball bat." I was tempted to say, "Pardon me? I missed some of that, could you repeat it?" but I resisted, as I was afraid she'd burst.

Needless to say, she really hasn't a clue about communicating. Neither does he. His approach is to sigh, wrinkle his forehead, and shake his head. As I push for more data, I'll likely discover that the guy is working off of what he learned watching his mom wait on his dad, and he talks with his wife as he saw his dad talk to his mom. I'll likely discover that the woman had a childhood of being ignored and misunderstood by her dad and maybe her mom, and she's trying to get it right this time. She's hooked up with yet another quiet, emotionally distant man, in an attempt to resolve the un-resolvable - her childhood relationship with her father.

How would all of this work itself out in terms of rules and roles, boundaries and walls? Well, as we're continually saying, we are exactly and precisely whom we think we are, and our relationships are precisely the way we make them, regardless of the actions of our partner. In other words, no matter what is "coming in," no matter what others or the environment is doing, I have a choice as to what I do in response. And that choice seems to come down to doing what I always do, or doing something different.

As to rules: in my book, Living Life in Growing Orbits, I make the point early on that we all have a long list of beliefs that were stuffed down our throats as kids. We simply absorbed them, as we didn't know there were options, and could not make rational decisions about what we were taught and especially what we observed. Thus, the behaviour of the adults around us "made sense." We assumed that what the big people did was "right," and that we were wrong.

So, the way out is to stop assuming that anything I believe or do is the only way of seeing or acting. Changing a relationship therefore requires, first and foremost, that I change the way I see myself in that relationship. If I have a rule that I am to be looked after and deferred to, and my partner doesn't, then my choice is to blame my partner for not doing it right. On the other hand, if I want to strengthen my relationship, I can change my belief.

The change necessary is the acceptance of differences. Our personal beliefs are simply imposed understandings. Now, some of us have explored these beliefs - these "rules and roles," and have learned to broaden our repertoire to include a wider range of being and response. This, however, does not make our new understandings right - they're just more thoughtful rules and roles. I may discover that my new understandings "work" better, in terms of communicating and in terms of resolving sticking points. My rules, however, are mine.

My partner is not required to absorb my world-view. My partner is not "wrong" for seeing things differently. In the end, the question is whether the two of us can accommodate the other through tolerance and curiosity.

In the case of my couple, he needs to feel safety and sanctuary at home before he is able to let down the "work-erected" walls. She needs to feel connected to her husband, without overwhelming him. It isn't either/or. It's both/and.

This week, look at your couple and parent and child "rules and roles." See how you keep yourself stuck by thinking that something you learned long ago is actually true. Agree with yourself to make changes, and share those changes with your "partners."

Do it now.