Rule 9 - Take care of yourself - then you can care about others.

10 Principles, Rule 9

People hear this and think it's selfish. Think, then, of yourself as being like a battery in a flashlight. Without a full charge, you produce little or no light. Therapists learn early on to shake off negative energy and to drop the client's issues as soon as he or she leaves the office. All of us must learn to retreat into ourselves or into the woods or wherever on a regular basis, to bring our energy level back up. It is the same in all of life. If you want the energy to successfully deal with family, friends, coworkers, etc. your energy must come first.

As I noted above, having enough energy for life requires self-monitoring. It's amazing, however, how many people cheerfully ignore themselves. Many are the clients that literally and figuratively work themselves to death. It's as if they believe that if they slow down, they'll die. Or they'll not be respected or something. They work and work and never have time for themselves or their families. This is, of course, conditioned behaviour.

We've talked about this a lot, and it's simply about how we were told, early on, not to be selfish. This meant, "Never think of yourself first. Always think of others first." Of course, the problem with this is that we never run out of "others." So, we run around, trying to be what others want us to be.

I've learned, over the years, to build a support network around me, people I care about and who care about me. Some time ago, I received an e-mail from a coach, who suggested filling out a form listing 100 people who you are in relationship with. The list was business oriented, and also included doctors and lawyers and counsellors and the like. The idea was to send letters to these people and to "hook up" people you trusted with others, while at the same time asking your list to "fill in the blanks" by providing names of people they trust in categories that are blank on your list.

I never followed through with this, not as they suggested. I was pleased, though, to realize I had a multitude of people in place. I think I was at 75% or so (I can't lay my hands on the list… oops, there it is… god, I'm organized!) Exercises like this help us to see how well we are doing at looking after ourselves, as opposed to the norm, which is to heavily depend on one or two people, usually spouses or kids or parents, as our sole resource.

The "fit" needs to be there. I was just in visiting with my therapist and mentor and friend, Gloria Taylor. We've known each other since around 1979, and I truly enjoy her company. And, essentially, she knows me. So when I go off into one of my patented rants, she's been there and knows what's up. It's then somewhat simple for me to listen to her and to bring myself back on track.

This, as opposed to some clients both of us have, who come to therapy to argue and to stay stuck. I've never quite been able to figure that one out. I figure therapy is about looking at what isn't working and making changes. Not arguing for, or repeating that which doesn't work. Which leads me back to where I began.

My life work is me. Not occasionally. All the time. My life work is to live with me, know me - to figure myself out, again and again. I'm not into waiting for permission, not into waiting until it's my turn. It's always my turn. As opposed to many, many people, who seem to be waiting for something - some other person to get it, a job to change, the world to change.

The change is never external. It's an inside job, as Dar often says. (Yes, she's still alive and kicking. Her little fingers just seem not to be able to find the keyboard when it's time to write Into the Centre…)

Part of the job is to come to terms with who I am in this moment, and to see if changes in behaviour or attitude are necessary. This means that my focus is on reality, or better, on who I am in this moment. This process is about continual acceptance - through which one is freed to change. Or, as Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt therapy used to say, "As soon as you stop trying to change, you notice that you already have."

"With Perls, awareness was the key to everything. He would say that better than trying to change something, the thing to do was simply to be aware of it - fully aware, deeply aware - and with that awareness the thing could change of itself, if that's what was needed." (From an article on Gestalt therapy, here )

How much of our lives do we waste trying to be someone or something other than what and who we are? Methinks it's more than a couple of hours. Or, think of the number of hours wasted in trying to do life the way your mother or father or partner wants you to do it, as opposed to the way you want to? And, on the other hand, how often do you find yourself blindly following your impulses, getting a moment's satisfaction and yet not feeding your soul?

Life is not all that complicated - here is life:

Life is lived by escaping from neediness, and
clinging to nothing.

If I am jerked around by my needs, whether they are for approval or for permission or my need for newness, change, stability or charge, I am a victim of my own needs. I have an erroneous belief that "if only" I can meet my need, I will be safe or loved or satiated. What I discover, however, is that I simply create another need, and another, and am thus never satisfied. As Perls put it: "Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge."

If I cling to something, I soon discover that I have exposed myself to my own fear, and that fear is of losing some thing. MY mind makes the link that this thing - this relationship, this illness, this perspective, this possession - is somehow directly related to me - to who I am. I may even be clinging to an idea.

I have a client who has come through some abuse - her husband was a heavy drinker and was mean when drunk. He's sober now - and has been for some months, and the two of them are in therapy to learn a new way of relating and being. When they disagree, however, she ends up back in her "Well, you broke my nose" place. Now, he did break her nose. This is true. The question is, is it relevant to the present moment? If she clings to this thought, is she moving toward a new relationship, or clinging to the old one, which she indicates she wants to do differently?

Now, some of you may be thinking that she is "right" to keep reminding him, punishing him, making him pay. Yet I wonder. If she clings to this world-view, she will always be in an abusive relationship, even though the abuse itself has stopped. If she lets go of her clinging to the "what was," she will soon discover that then was then and now is now.

If revenge is the motive, nothing ever changes.

I am more and more convinced that simply living life with awareness and focus is what is required of us. This is how we best look after ourselves. We notice and we respond, and there is no expectation of continuity. There simply is this moment, and the next, fully lived.

This week, evaluate your life, and see what you cling to, and what your neediness brings. This week, see how you are making yourself sick. This week, settle into yourself and feel how you are constricting yourself. Then, contact a neglected mentor, therapist or bodyworker. Give them a call. And begin, ever again, the process of letting go.