The Remembrance of Things Past

The Phoenix Philosophy - part 7

Today's article comes out of several experiences with clients over the past few weeks. In each case, I was told of a present misery in the life of a client, as it relates to a relationship. In each case, the reason given for the misery was that the present situation fit in with a list of past sins. I then discovered that the past sins had more mould than 10-month-old cheddar.

Case 1: A relative touched a young woman sexually when she was 12. By age 20, the client has yet to establish a successful relationship with a man, - any kind of relationship, with any man.

Case 2: A couple is having trouble with their marriage. He wants to go away for a weekend, to talk. He, however, is afraid to ask, because "he knows what that look means." Besides, the last time he asked, she reminded him that, on their honeymoon 12 years earlier, he had said he wanted to go on a cruise for their 10th anniversary. That hadn't happened. He forgot, and she's blaming him. He thinks it's her fault for not reminding him.

Case 3: A couple has been married 12 years. They aren't talking much, nor doing much together. This would be because, a) his dad died 2 years earlier, b) her mom died 1.5 years earlier, and 3) she had surgery 6 months ago.

Now, in each of these cases, and most other counselling situations, I ask a question about what the client wants. Invariably, I'm told that the client wants to have a successful relationship - to be happy - to have the drama stop.

Odd, eh? If that's what they want, how come they're so successful at not getting what they say they want?

I do find it amazing that, often, younger people, with the right motivation, figure out what to do quite quickly. In case #1, the young woman actually came in because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. She blamed the break-up on the incident when she was 12. I suggested that most young people have trouble figuring out relationships, not just her, and that maybe it had nothing to do with the past experience. As she pondered this, and described her relationship, it was clear that the guy had more than a little difficulty communicating. She began to see that she was in a 20/80 relationship - 20 good, 80 bad. Try as hard as she might, she couldn't really blame much of this on the prior sexual touching. Last week, the guy called, and she refused to take him back. She told him she was taking time out to work on her. Poof. She has it figured out.

That being said, the norm seems to be just the opposite. In my first booklet, Building a Responsible Relationship, I use the concept of the dirty clothes drawer. This is the drawer where past insults and slights are kept. This is an important drawer for many people. When bored, they sit in dimly lit rooms, and fondle the dirty clothes. Each in turn is removed and examined. Remembered - made flesh again (re-membered.) Each remembrance is magnified, building upon the last incidence of fondling the soiled linen. The person connected to the piece of laundry is vilified. Many, many people waste their lives fondling smelly clothes.

Now, notice the tension between two things. The person states she wants a good relationship. However, and here comes the tension, the good relationship is not going to happen until her partner has paid in full for every sin, real or imagined, that she perceives her partner has committed.

Thus, in the ongoing-ness of the relationship, nothing is clean. Each new event exists within the context of the contents of the dirty clothes drawer, whether it has anything to do with the contents or not. And just as people are capable of coming up with the oddest combinations of clothes from their closets, the combinations of "present event" and past "dirty clothes" are breathtaking. As it should be, with a drawer of 10-year-old funky memories.

I push people for honesty. I'd much rather hear, "I've been tucking this stuff away for years, and hell will freeze over before I let you off the hook for any of it!" This is, of course, what the partner intuits is really what their partner thinks, despite all the protestations of wanting to get the relationship back on track.

If only there is truth, there is the possibility of clean decision-making.

A lot of people stay in intolerable relationships because they are afraid of being alone. They figure companionship and dirty clothes are better than not having anyone. Or, they figure that their partner really means to clean out the drawer some day, because they keep saying they will. Or, they figure that they'll finally come up with an excuse for their past behaviour - for each article of dirty clothes.

I watched the couple from the third example try out the last approach a couple of days ago. She'd rhyme off a "sin," and he'd go, "Now, honey. You know that that's not what I meant. I was just trying to…" She'd sigh and say, "I've heard that before. And besides, a year earlier, you…" 10 years, they've been playing this game. Why? His reason: "We fight like cats and dogs, 90% of the time, but the sex when we make up is great."

I sometimes hear from folk who think my solution to all of this is too simple. My solution is, "Get over it or get out." I gotta say, in my own life and in terms of clients, I'm absolutely not interested in figuring out why I stuck something in the drawer. I'm not interested in what excuse I use for keeping it there. I don't need a long explanation for why I truck it out and try to throw it at someone. The answer, to me, is simple. Our culture teaches us to blame others or ourselves for our misery. It does not teach us to let go of the things we insult ourselves over.

Having said that, I've also watched a ton of people hear me spell out the game, and immediately and simply choose to stop doing it, without making a decades long problem out of it. Everyone can get over himself or herself, right now. No exceptions. The only question is, will they? To say, "Well, maybe other people can, but I can't," is to say, "I won't, because then I'd have to give up being special. I've earned this pain, and I'm going to keep it." That, emphatically, is not the same as "I can't."

Which begs my question, "If you want a successful relationship, why do you keep doing the very things that screw it up?" Why not be honest and say, as I noted above, "I've been tucking this stuff away for years, and hell will freeze over before I let you off the hook for any of it!"

I like honesty. With honesty, we can choose. We can say, "I choose to be in this funky relationship, and let's keep flinging this old crap on each other until we die." Honesty. Or, "I'm not going to play anymore. Feel free to fling" Honesty. Or, "Either we both stop or I'm out of here."

Far, far better than, "I want a great relationship with you," as the crap flies, ever again.

Dear hearts, get over it!