Getting Off on the Second Floor

Today's recommended book is Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. My initial thumb-through was a highly positive experience. One of the main foci of the book is the concept of differentiation. Differentiation is a life-long process. For example, an infant has to identify self as being separate from his mother in order to establish an ego identity. As adults in relationship, differentiation means being able to be me, know me and actualize me, while being in contact with my partner. Here's a profound quote:

"Many authors and therapists believe that couples gradually achieve the degree of intimacy they want through accumulated experiences of mutual trust, acceptance, empathy, validation, and reciprocal disclosure. In all my years of therapy, I've never seen intimacy unfold in this idyllic way. Certainly I've seen couples who tried this idealized perspective, but it just doesn't work in the real world of marriage. Ironically, intimacy seems to develop through conflict, self-validation and unilateral disclosure." (pg. 103)

I am amazed at how seldom I see this kind of intimacy. On the contrary, I see a lot of avoiding. The conflict stage of relationship is essential, as well as the self-validation stage. Self-validation is the topic of today's Into the Centre article, by the bye. I have friends who use all kinds of gimmicks and tricks to avoid any of the above.

Have a look at this book. I'll be saying more about it in future articles here in Into the Centre.

And, do us a favour. If you're contemplating buying this book, do it through the lin kabove. You'll help us defer some of the cost of producing Into the Centre.

The Phoenix Philosophy - part 8

My dad's been living in a retirement home for several months now, and Dar and I visit each weekend. The elevator is an odd piece of work, and we've taken to betting which way it will go, up or down, after we push the "up" button.

Last week, as usual, it seems, the elevator immediately went down a floor. Now, more often than not no one is waiting there on the dining room floor. I was surprised, then, to see a little old lady totter on. She looked at us with a trace of confusion, as if the concept of people on elevators was new to her. As I was standing near the buttons, I asked her, "Where you going?"

She replied, "You know, I don't have the slightest idea." Silence. I looked at Dar, she at me. The doors closed. The old dear said, "Oh well, you might as well push 2." I did. We stopped at 2, and off she went.

Dar looked at me and said, "Isn't that like a lot of people. I don't know where I'm going, so I'll just get off on 2 and have a smoke." We snickered all the way to 4.

Now, we can excuse the sweet little lady, as she's beginning to forget stuff, and no doubt often wonders exactly why she's getting on or off the elevator. It gets to be more of an issue for the rest of us, as we drift along, unsure, unclear and unfocussed - spending our lives in confusion.

Not to beat the analogy to death, but it would seem to me that when one gets on an elevator, one should have an idea where one is going. One should be prepared to personally do what is necessary to achieve a pre-determined end. No matter what the cost.

Last week I did a counselling session with a mom who has 2 teenagers. Both were arrested recently for B & E. Now, I'd heard of the daughter from some of my other clients. Into trouble, regularly. Mom had connived with the Parole Officer to tell the kids they were ordered by the court to see me. This was untrue.

The mom had made an appointment back in December and had cancelled it before it happened, as the kids didn't want to come. I indicated during our session that I didn't want the kids coming in by force - only by choice. Forced therapy doesn't work. The mom sagged and looked helpless.

I indicated that I didn't need to see the kids. I could see her or her and her husband, and we could come up with a workable game plan. The mom blanched. "But, she never listens to us. All's well if we let her do what she wants, but if we try to stop her, she makes our lives miserable. Our 15-year-old runs the house."

It soon came out that the kid was also into shoplifting. Every day. I asked the mom what happened when she took her daughter and the stolen stuff back to the store. Quizzical look. "But, if I did that they might call the police and then she'd have to go to juvenile hall."

It was my turn to wonder. "So how do you deal with the shoplifting?" "I tell her not to."

I had already figured out the game, but asked about her husband. "He'd agree with you. He wants to ground her, punish her. But I see to it that this doesn't happen. I don't want her to grow up not liking me."

"So," I replied, "you want to farm the disciplining of your kids off on the Parole Officer and me. You want us to do the tough stuff. That way, you're off the hook, don't have to change, and we're the bad guys. That pretty much cover it?"

"Works for me."

I sighed. "Well, here's the plan. That's not going to happen. You're the mom - you need to take responsibility. So, before you come back next week, gather up all the stuff she stole this month, and march her back to the stores. If she won't go, take the stuff back yourself, and tell the store owners what happened, or take the stuff to the Cop Shop. Lets let your daughter deal with the consequences of her actions. Otherwise, this isn't going to work." Mom agreed and booked another session.

Friday, a voice mail: "This is (the mom). I'm calling to confirm that I'm cancelling our session."

She must be too busy having a smoke on the second floor.

We live in a world that covets the "cult of non-responsibility." Non-accountability. God forbid that it's painful, hard, complicated. Life is "supposed to" be easy. Parenting is supposed to go smoothly. And again and again, the inmates are running the jails.

All of this links to what we've been talking about the past few weeks. The idea we promote here at The Phoenix Centre is to structure our lives with both plan and purpose. Just as the goal of higher education is to encourage "lifelong learning," the goal here at The Phoenix Centre, and out at Haven is to encourage lifelong self-actualization. And the key to that, as we say endlessly, is self-responsibility, self-knowing, deconstruction of the ego and reconstruction of a fuller sense of self. From this place, self-actualization is defined (quoting Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being (1968), pgs. 97, 98):

This makes it possible for us to redefine self-actualization in such a way as to purge it of its static and typological shortcomings, and to make it less a kind of all-or-none pantheon into which some rare people enter at the age of 60. We may define it as an episode, or a spurt in which the powers of the person come together in a particularly efficient and intensely enjoyable way, and in which he is more integrated and less split, more open for experience, more idiosyncratic, more perfectly expressive or spontaneous, or fully functioning, more creative, more humorous, more ego-transcending, more independent of his lower needs, etc. He becomes in these episodes more truly himself, more perfectly actualizing his potentialities, closer to the core of his Being, more fully human.

Such states or episodes can, in theory, come at any time in life to any person. What seems to distinguish those individuals I have called self-actualizing people, is that in them these episodes seem to come far more frequently, and intensely and perfectly than in average people. This makes self-actualization a matter of degree and of frequency rather than an all-or-none affair, and thereby makes it more amenable to available research procedures. We need no longer be limited to searching for those rare subjects who may be said to be fulfilling themselves most of the time. In theory at least we may also search any life history for episodes of self-actualization, especially those of artists, intellectuals and other especially creative people, of profoundly religious people, and of people experiencing great insights in psychotherapy, or in other important growth experiences.

In the coming weeks, I'm going to tear into this quote, and look at the ways and means of this "more fully human" place of Being. For now, spend the week being clear. Live your life as it needs to be lived. Not by default. By clear, directed choice.