| The next few columns will answer questions we've received "in the mail" since Into the Centre resumed back in September. As always, we encourage you to ask questions and to make comments.
From Rose: "Could you write something on manipulating to get others to do your bidding? Also the ability to know when it's too late to change a person like that, and when at that point what do you do.
As a now very out of contact friend often says, "Yikes!"
I wasn't quite sure where to go with this question, and then I realized that one of the very first lessons all of us need to learn is the very limited power any of us have to act upon another person.
What feels like manipulation by another is always about our interpretation and our choice to give up our personal strength.
That being said, this is an issue that affects each of us at some level. It's an old issue, and it affects all of us because parenting is nothing more than blatant manipulation, designed to "humanize" or civilize kids.
That's the prelude. Now, let's dig in. Let's start with a definition of manipulation.
1. to treat or operate with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner
2a.to manage or utilize skillfully
2b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3. to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose
(from
Merriam-Webster OnLine )
Now, of course, we use the term selectively. We typically use manipulate in a positive sense when we're talking about running devices or the work, say, of a chiropractor or Bodyworker. We use the term negatively, as above, to describe behaviours 2b and 3, in the definition.
Let's zip back to kids, and then leap forward to us. Let's also get a couple of things straight. When kids are born, they are, for all intents and purposes, autistic. Left to their own devices, they die. Period. Even though they have predispositions, genetic or otherwise, to a certain way of being, children are incapable of self-socialization. Put a couple of 1 or 2 year olds in the same room and walk away, and sooner or later someone is going to be pounding the other over
the head. Socialization is learned behaviour, and parents set this in motion. That it becomes the sole responsibility of the child at, say 16, does not change the fact that all of this happens within a social framework.
So, the "adults" provide the boundaries, the direction and the rules. There is no one human way of being, beyond the obvious biological behaviours of eating, drinking, eliminating, breathing, screwing, etc. That's what makes travelling around the world so much fun, so much of a challenge. People are as they are because that's how they were brought up. That's how they were manipulated. Without manipulation, society, civil-ization would screech to a halt.
We can't change how we were brought up. We do, however (as Ben Wong reminds us) have choice.
Now, in the West, ever since the accursed advent of New Age Movement, we've been on a slippery slope. Since the 60s there's been reluctance to actually parent a child. We get all this, "They have to figure it out for themselves" stuff. It's almost as if parents refuse to parent because they don't want to insist on certain behavioural standards. Yet, when you think about it, basic behavioural standards, repeated consistently, are the keys upon which the future is built.
After 20 years of counselling folk, I sometimes think I've seen it all. It appears that dysfunctional parenting (refusing to set clear and firm standards) leads, quite simply, to kids who are running the household. God forbid little Susie or Sammy gets upset.
Crap. This sort of laissez faire parenting inevitably leads to out of control teens. The teen years can be traumatic enough without sending our kids into the pit of hormonal torture without the necessary tools. Sadly, much of what I do these days is to try to help teens to gain a sense of self-control and boundaries - because their parents either didn't bother or were too busy or didn't want to deal with the tears. As I said, crap.
Well, that was a side-rant. I'm actually plugging the value of parental manipulation. But I'm using definition 2a, "to manage or utilize skillfully." I've even got a great story, from having coffee with my friend Jen. She was discussing a moment with her 8-year-old son. Forever, she's been focusing on teaching him boundaries, choice and limits, age appropriately. So, he's now in 2nd grade and has homework. The "limit" is, homework has to be done
by bath-time, which is a fixed, non-variable time. The choice is, does he do it when he gets home, right after supper, or at the end of his day? He's been experimenting with several options.
So, one day, he decides to go for "evening." Out he goes to play. Mom calls him in at homework time. This would be her job, as she is providing the structure for his experience. (If she hadn't he'd have stayed out, playing. We all know that. The stated goal is, "homework done by bath time." That stated goal is the focus.) So, in he comes, upset, as his friends have just begun a game. During the next several minutes, mom reminded son of his choice. Son had his
feelings. He cried, and with mom's help, expressed his anger. He vented that it was all mom's fault because she called him in. Mom encouraged him to get it out his system and talked about how she got mad at her mom. There's more to the story, but the nifty ending is this: amid tears, son says, "I really made a bad choice."
This is teaching (positive manipulation) at its best. Her 8-year-old owned his choice, his behaviour and his actions. Repeated again and again, he will eventually get to where we at The Phoenix Centre want everyone to be: self-responsible.
OK. So, structure and goals and boundaries are necessary for parenting. Where manipulation gets its bad name is when it's used adult to adult, in interpersonal relationship.
Let's look at the question that provoked today's article.
Could you write something on manipulating to get others to do your bidding?
People manipulate because it works. If I have a need or a want, and I discover that whining, griping, berating, begging or insisting causes my partner to cave in and give me what I want, why wouldn't I do it? However, and it's a big however, this only happens if the recipient chooses to give in.
Short of physical violence, (which is never, ever, appropriate) there is no way anyone can make me do anything. Further, there is no way anyone can make me feel anything. We've been here endlessly, and we're here again. No one makes me angry. I make me angry. I choose anger. Hey, the 8-year-old got this one. Wake up and get it!
So, the way to stop being manipulated is to stop caving in. Oh, sure. Here come the, "If he really loved me he'd stop doing that because I asked him to" swill. Phooey. I can't number the number of people who have sashayed into my office singing that song. And of course, such a sentiment is a blatant attempt at manipulation. He wants you to change your behaviour from "x" to "y". You want him to change from manipulating to not manipulating. What's the
difference?
Let's all repeat this in chorus: no one can manipulate me into doing anything. If I give in, I made a choice. And I taught the other person what to do the next time.
I once had a client who was having problems with her partner. She said, "I made a list, last night, of all the things he does that drive me crazy. I said, "If you love me (gag, gack) you won't do any of these things ever again." She was actually pleased with herself!!!
I said, "Good! Now he knows a whole pile of ways to push your buttons." She: "Oh! He wouldn't do that!" Me: "Has he in the past?" She: "Yes…Oh!… my god!"
Now, hopefully you know what I said next, and I hope you don't think I said, "Well, maybe some day he'll stop torturing you." What I said was, "You gotta get over yourself. Disconnect the buttons. Stop torturing yourself. If you wait for him to change so you can be happy, this is going to take forever."
Second part of the question:
Also the ability to know when it's too late to change a person like that, and when at that point what do you do.
Answer: you can't change another person. Only they can change themselves. Your choice is to absolutely and completely stop reacting to the manipulation. Period. It's your life. Who's responsible for it? YOU!
Now, if after ending your reaction, and letting your partner know that this is your new way of being and choosing, your partner continues to attempt to manipulate, your choice is to either
- accept the fact that s(he) refuses to let go of that behaviour, and you choose to stay, or
- you leave.
In other words, the first step is to stop acting like and seeing myself as a helpless victim of another's manipulation. The second step is to make better choices, (the part the 8-year-old is getting) by not giving in, ever, to manipulation. The third step is to observe what happens in the relationship when I stop biting. In the vast majority of cases, the manipulating stops, and dialog starts. And we reach an understanding. In some cases, not biting makes no difference, and the
relationship becomes attempts at manipulation with no response. Some people choose to stay in this dynamic. Most leave.
There's divorce question sitting in my inbox, and that will tie in to what we just talked about. More on this topic next week!
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