The Phoenix Centre

The Fringe Dweller's
Guide to the Universe

First of all, let's get this out of the way early - shit does happen. Situations happen and people get injured or killed. People do abusive things - physically, emotionally, sexually. People receive varying levels of bad parenting,  bad advice, bad teachings. We're all conditioned by the tribes into which we were born, and that conditioning and socialization does not celebrate our uniqueness, but rather the opposite - it tries to force us to conform. People who tell us they love us attempt to manipulate us to be different, and we manipulate right back.

All of that being said, our second rule holds:
the world is exactly as you perceive it to be.

There is something vaguely unsettling about the notion that there is nothing "real" about the world you create for yourself. Again, a caveat. We're talking perceptions and descriptions here, and while you can close your eyes and fantasize flying, the rules of physics preclude you actually doing it. The physical world is "real," and we can't perceive away how it functions.

That aside, the rest of life is a game of naming and claiming, of making sense of our experience according to the categories and descriptions we create. It is therefore "true," then, that (for example) "I am a helpless victim and I can't do anything about it."

If I choose to describe myself in this way, if I choose to frame my reality as being a helpless victim, endlessly enacted upon and punished and mistreated by the people and situations I engage with, then again and again I will be proven right. And even more significant, it won't matter what others are actually doing.

No matter what happens, I have a moment of choosing how to categorize it. If my default position is helpless victim, I will do one of two things: I'll take each event and make it about my victimhood, or I'll negate it.

Some weeks ago I was speaking with a woman about sex. She indicated that she believed that, in order to keep a man, she had to do whatever he wanted her to do, sexually. I pressed her on that - I asked her to imagine that a man asked her to do something she didn't want to do, and that she did it anyway. She readily could imagine that, as she did this all the time. I then asked her how she dealt with this. She said, "I either pretend it didn't happen, or I tell myself I enjoyed it."

Her default view (her Governing Premise) is,
"I have no choice, no vote. Others make decisions for me."

From within that belief system, she has three choices -

1. go along, and like it,

2. go along, hate it and pretend it didn't happen, or

3. go along, and lie that she likes it.

Do you see my point? The three choices she has created for herself fall within the governing premise. Within the premise, she has pretty much covered her options. As you can see, she really has one option: to go along with whatever is requested of her. What she then does with her "going along" is optional. However, and it's a big however, she does not, from within the system, have the option to say "no."

Needless to say, this plays out in all aspects of her life, not just sexually.

Let's say the person has a Governing Premise of,
"I can't get what I want from my partner."

From within that belief system, there are three choices -

1. be miserable, and blame one's partner,

2. be miserable, and blame oneself, or

3. be miserable, sigh, and pretend it's OK.

Within this system, all evidence to the contrary is discounted. If her partner brings roses, she'll think, "See? He's setting me up. If I act all appreciative, he'll never bring them, again. So, rather than be disappointed in the future, I'll not bother to enjoy them now."

I watched one client do a similar thing. In counselling, she asked her husband if they could do something he wasn't particularly interested in doing. To my surprise, he agreed. So, she upped the ante. He agreed. 3 times. Finally, she asked for something obscure, yet related, and he said, "No way!" She turned to me, produced the requisite and immediate tears, and wailed, "See! He never does what I want!"

The way out of each and every predicament we place ourselves in is this:
the world is exactly as you perceive it to be.

To change your world, you have to change your perception.

In our first example, the young woman needs to change her governing premise to:

"I have infinite choice. I make decisions for me."

We see that immediately, a range of options opens up for her. The most significant is that she can say "no" to what she doesn't want to do. Equally as significant: she could actually begin to ask for what she wants.

Now, clearly, some of the people in her life might not like this, especially the guy getting what she doesn't what to give. He may very well try to guilt her back into doing what she is told.

Often, when we change a governing premise,
we end up also having to change "partners!"

Similarly, in example 2, the governing principle shifts to:

"I can ask for what I want from my partner, and if (s)he is unwilling I can get what I want elsewhere."

As soon is I shift my pronoun to "I," I have created for myself the mindset to live my life as I choose. I often say that I expect that my partner would agree to 95% of what I ask for, and vice versa. People will tell me that this is unrealistic. I think not. Why would I be in relationship with someone and not get what I want? The only reason people stay in relationships that do not meet their needs and wants is to feel hard done by.

All that there is, is perception. You are exactly and precisely the story you tell yourself. If you want to be special, you'll spend your life wanting, and playing games to get others to tell you what you don't believe yourself. If you believe you are not worth of happiness and a healthy relationship, guess what? You'll be right.

If you don't like the way you are living your life, look at how you are living it. I guarantee you'll find a "broken perception."

Will you have the courage to repair it?