The Phoenix Centre

The Fringe Dweller's
Guide to the Universe

Universal Rules

#4. People believe you when they see you living it.

click here for the full list of rules

As I mentioned last week, all of these rules "hook" into each other: "inside" and "outside" are inexorably linked. That being said, we've gotta ask,

Why are people so willing to talk a good show,
and so reluctant to actually live it?

I don't think I need to beat this dead horse, as I talk a lot about how we live out the dramas of our lives. What did occur to me was the "churchly" idea of sins of omission and commission. We'll drop the sins part and just look at the variables.

Omissions are the things we choose not to do, even though we know that the omitted behaviour would be in our best interest. As usual you'll notice that I'm not taking the best interest of others into account. We continue to make the point that we cannot ever figure life out in reaction to the wants and needs of others. This is a common Into the Centre theme, and it should be sufficient to say that "the needs of others" is an endless and slippery slope. The problem: where does one stop? How many people qualify as having more important or pressing needs than my own? And what do I do when all of those needs conflict?

Back to omissions. If I know, for example, that behaving and communicating in a certain way means that I am heard and acknowledged, and then, knowing that, if I wilfully choose not to communicate or behave in that way, I am "guilty" of omission. It doesn't matter if I preach or teach elegant communication and behaviour.

If, in my personal life,  my words don't match my life behaviours, I am a hypocrite.

Commissions are the opposite, obviously. If I know that a certain behaviour, attitude or way of being consistently gets me lousy results and/or "makes me" feel like crap, and if I continue to use that behaviour (or even more insidiously, if I do it irregularly) then I am "guilty" of commission. No matter how strongly I protest my innocence, ("The debbil made me do it!") or my history ("All the women in my family are like this!") or my clumsiness ("I just slipped. After all, I'm human.") I am not innocent.

If, in my personal life,  I make excuses for my life behaviours, I am a hypocrite.

Now, I get asked, a lot, how to get this once and for all. And I reply, "Forget it! This is a lifetime task. One time and one time and one time. When I say, "get over it," I mean, "get over it this time."" On the other hand, it's a good thing that we don't have to get over it once and for all. It's much easier to simply deal with the next situation, and the next, than wait (and wait, and wait) for just the right moment to fix the rest of your life.

I guess, for me, the answer is endless consistency. The more carefully I can address my issues, experience by experience, the better I get to know myself and the more I can appreciate the principle of discipline.

And the feedback I seek from those whom I respect is not approval - it's that I am seen as being consistently disciplined in my behaviour, while being flexible in my beliefs.

Perhaps the way out is to give up on excuses, confusions and self-doubts. I know. Big task. But most people I talk with show amazing competencies in several aspects of their lives, and then, for example, suck at interpersonal stuff. The competencies match what is needed in the interpersonal arena, but the excuses, confusions and self-doubts are created and activated in an attempt to stay stuck. Often, this is because the fear of change outweighs the desire to stop the foolishness. Or, it's an egoic, "I'll be damned if I'm going to change if everyone else gets to stay the same" thing.

We get past this sticking place by directly and firmly dealing with the only thing we can deal with - our thinking and behaviours. As we feel the excuses, confusions and self-doubts arising, there is nothing to do but to notice, and in the noticing, make another choice. It's not about eliminating the excuses, confusions and self-doubts first, then changing the behaviour. That's futile. It's simply about acknowledging the excuses, confusions and self-doubts, gently letting them go, and then acting in a clear and concise way.  

This week, ask a few intimate friends about your ability to actually live what your mouth is promoting. Look at your level of frustration. Ask yourself about your omissions and commissions. Then, one time, match deeds to words. I think you'll like the result.