The Phoenix Centre

The Fringe Dweller's
Guide to the Universe

Universal Rules

# 5. There Are No Coincidences.

click here for the full list of rules

I find it interesting, writing Into the Centre. While not a ton of people write to me regarding something I've written, certainly I hear from a number of people. What I find interesting is how people interpret my words.

I keep saying that what I write is simply how I see the universe. I'm not looking to present the "right" way of looking at things, but rather "my" way of looking at things. Thus, as people write to suggest I might be off the mark, I've learned not to see criticism but rather to get a sense of how the other person sees the world.

In the end, my criterion for a "belief system" is pretty simple and straightforward.

"Is it working for you?"

Thus, if I say I'm invested (believe in) a full, rich, meaningful and intimate relationship, and I have never been in one, then, as I said last week, there's a problem between what I say I want and what I am actually living. And, call me simple minded (seems easier that way…J ) but to me, if what I believe and the way I behave aren't "working for me," the solution is to change how I'm thinking and what I am doing. In other words, there needs to be congruence between what I say I want and what I have.

And thus it is with coincidences. Many people have a New Age perspective on coincidences, as in the angels or fairies or god or the goddess, or some ethereal being is floating around, with nothing better to do that to give me what I want or need. I do not believe any of that for even one second.

What I do believe is that "life" is a classroom, or a laboratory, and that this "system" is complete. There is, right in front of us, every scrap of information, relationship, and teaching we could ever use in 10 lifetimes. That we do not notice is not a failure of the system. It is a failure of our skills of observation. And it is indicative of our laziness in blaming the system for not choosing a different path.

My experience tells me that what appears to happen is this: I need to sort something out, only initially I don't know it. All I know is that "something isn't 'right'." Hell, here's an example, which is also in my booklet, The List of 50. I married my ex, whom I call "Sue," in 1975. We'd dated and lived together for 3 years prior in University. I remember wondering, a lot, why I was choosing to marry her, and truth be told, my reasons, at age 24, were, I liked her body and looks, and I had time invested in her. The things about her I didn't like I thought I could change.

The thing was, there was nothing 'wrong' with Sue. The problem (and this is what I hadn't learned to notice) was in my thinking that Sue should change to make me happy. I didn't get this, in spades. God forbid, back then, that I ever admit that I need to get my nose on my side of the fence and work on me!

In 1982, as I trained to be a psychotherapist, I'd be talking with Gloria (my supervisor) and seemingly out of the blue, she'd say, "Why are you married to Sue?" I'd utter, "Because I love her!" and wonder why Gloria was asking. This, despite my undercurrent of dissatisfaction. Again, to be clear, I was blaming my dissatisfaction on Sue and "my life."

Toward the end of '82, I read The Road Less Traveled, one book (of many) that has helped me to change my outlook over the years. I also met a friend of Gloria's who started pushing me on my spiritual growth. Lots of experiences started happening to me - chance meetings, odd conversations, strange "coincidences." And one night, in the middle of a conversation with Sue, there was the "scales before my eyes fell off" moment. Which, of course I could have ignored or denied. I realized I didn't want to be in the marriage, and I left it. Not because of Sue, but because I chose to deal with me - with who I was then, and what I wanted. (This is why it's called self-responsibility.)

In retrospect, what I noticed was an increasing number of events, books and people, all talking about the value of being in a deep, meaningful and intimate relationship. The pace kept accelerating, I think, because I wouldn't own my need to hear that message. I'd hear the stuff and say, "Boy, is this ever going to be valuable for my clients." Notice: what I was stumbling over was not evidence of Sue's flaws. It was evidence of what I could have, if I made different choices.

So, here's what I think synchronicity (Jung's term, which means meaningful coincidence) is all about. I was walking around in total denial re. my relationship with Sue. Despite evidence that others (like Gloria) were picking up, I was telling myself another story. In other words, like we talked about last week, my words didn't match my behaviour, and I didn't really even know it. All I did know was that I wasn't happy in my marriage.

So, on one level, the number of 'coincidences' started increasing. On another (and I think more real level) my deepening work on my self caused me to open my eyes a bit, and I began to notice what was right in front of me. You can "believe" either option. I soon was tripping over experiences that called my relationship into question. Fortunately, I had enough intelligence to stop defending my stupidity, and I began to consciously shift my understanding, my focus and my behaviours.

So, that covers one side of this - the side where I have a feeling of unease about something, and am unaware of what I am doing to create my unease. On to the next part - the point where I now know something is wrong, and I  recognize that I have a choice as to whether to act -

Interestingly, many people come here for therapy with tons of evidence that their relationship or job or life experience is out of whack, and are unwilling to take the next step -actually doing something about it. The come up with all kinds of reasons (commitments made, obligations, whatever) for not changing things. All of the excuses boil down to fear of change. So, I become a "fear coach." And a "life coach." And a "change coach."

My "job," such as it is, is to help the folk who make it to my office to accept total responsibility for the choices they are making. Now, admittedly, 95% of the population never make it to a therapist. (That's why there is a 50% divorce rate in the West.) The 95% live "lives of quiet desperation," never even understanding that they are responsible for their lives. The 5% who do make it in have the boundless opportunity to stop making excuses and to open their eyes and to make better choices. As they do, they begin to see that the world provides exactly what they need to get the lesson.

Because there are no coincidences. The world, the system, is providing us with feedback, all the time, from others and especially from our bodies. That's why we consider Bodywork so essential. The body is the early warning system, and most of us sorely (literally and figuratively) ignore it. When we decide to pay attention and to simply admit something needs changing, then we see what we need to see. Books fall into our hands, we hear lines in songs and movies, and have a little jolt.

"Coincidences," which, as we notice them, are indicators that we are now paying attention to what was already or always there. AND, that we opened up a bit.

The people we meet are, as I see it, the people we are "supposed to meet." Same with everything we engage with. Rather than ignoring or arguing with the "message" of the person, place or thing, I might more simply ask myself, "What does this have to say to me?" And if I am stuck and I know it, I ought to be listening to everything, and especially my body, very carefully. And talking to a therapist I trust. Because there's a lesson there.

I've learned that coincidences are not so coincidental, and I'm dedicated to listening to the "early" ones, as opposed to having to get hit over the head for a year or so. When I was young and immature, I was resistant to choosing. When I began walking my present path, in 1982, I learned, first and foremost, to embrace it.

What's right in front of you, that you refuse to accept? What lesson, what body experience, do you keep getting, again and again, and why are you resisting dealing with it? And why is it, week after week, that Into the Centre seems to be written just for you?

Coincidence? I think not.