The Phoenix Centre

The Fringe Dweller's
Guide to the Universe

Universal Rules

click here for the full list of rules

My analogy of choice these days is this: once you get past the age of 16, "the cosmos" hand you a rubber mallet, which is normally used to knock furniture together without marring the wood. The cosmos then offers you this strange deal. You can accept complete responsibility for your self - for your choices, for your thinking, for your actions – or you can blame others. If you pick the former, you get to drop the mallet. If you choose the latter, you begin, with rhythm and verve, to smack yourself in the forehead with the mallet. On and on. For the rest of your life.

Often, having described this to clients, I invite them to drop the mallet and stop hurting themselves. This usually elicits a smile, a rueful nod of the head, and then some story or explanation or request that shows the hammer is still swinging.

Last week I had a guy explain his wife leaving in terms of the Women's Movement, too many choices, where he lived, what he did and the lack of family values. I opined that perhaps he sucked at relationships. He didn't disagree, but immediately went back to his list. I then pointed out that his list contained no items he could do anything about, (or was willing to change), so he was really setting up a system to be alone. He spent the rest of the session sighing and indicating that I'd missed the point.

Another client listed the illnesses she'd contracted since her husband hurt his back.

In each case, the hammer is swinging and the holder is doing the swinging.

You see, there is only one time when this is not the case, and that's in terms of physical violence. If someone else is literally wielding the hammer, then the other person causes the wound. In every other situation, in every other relationship, in every other case, the hammer is being swung by the same person that is being hit.

Thus, "Most Wounds are Self-Inflicted."

A lot of this goes back to childhood, when we had an expectation that our happiness and well-being was in the hands of others – we were "right" to the extent that we were kept alive by others. The jury is out as to the happiness and well-being part.

And it's out because even the most beneficent, kind, loving parents do not have the best interests of anyone other than themselves at heart. What they do may be couched in "what's best for little Susie," but we all know that this isn't particularly so. A parent's primary job is to socialize little Susie, not to make her happy. If the parent tries the latter, the parent is never going to be off the hook, and always to blame when little Susie isn't happy.

None-the-less, we want to be looked after, amused, made happy. People tell me that's why they are in relationship. It's funny, though, how once the novelty wears off, "He makes me so happy," becomes, "He makes me so angry. He's changed!"

A friend was bemoaning her fate the other day, describing her husband thusly: "He hates his job, is good with the kids, but fights with my son, and never wants to do anything. He's really quite boring." The interesting piece, to me, was that I'd asked her how she was doing. I asked her again, and she reluctantly described her boring life.

Now, this is not to say that her husband is not boring. It's to say that her boredom is not caused by or about him. She's boring herself and blaming him for not making it "more fun." Which, when you think about it, is perfect. When she's happy, she can say "I had a great time!" When life sucks, its, "You're so boring!"

Often, the power struggles that appear to be about who is right are actually about who is responsible. And in this case, in this struggle, the language is much like we just looked at. Each person is blaming the other for the problem. "If only you'd get it!" (Like my first client story: he wants me to "get" how powerless he is, and also how powerless "everyone" is. But it begs the question: why would I want to be powerless in regard to my own life?) "Why can't you see?" "You're not doing it (fill in the blank as to what "it" is) right."

As I play this game, I let myself completely off the hook for the pain I am feeling. I'm not doing this to me, you are. A guy the other day said, "So, I'm practicing that communication stuff. I try really hard, and then my wife says, "You weren't trying like this with my therapist!" and I get mad and we have a big fight. Boy, I wish she'd get this!" I just grinned at him. He smiled and said, "I suppose you're going to say that I don't have to choose to anger myself that she's not doing exactly what I want her to. I suppose I could do that…" We both had a laugh. He's getting it.

Time to really let go of the blaming. No one is doing stuff to you. No one is making you miserable. (Caveat: if you have selected a**holes for friends, they might be a pain. What you could do is change friends.) No one is trying to hurt you. All that stuff you're stuffing, all those emotions, are yours. They're yours to deal with, let go of and move past.

No one owes you different behaviour. You owe you the ability to claim and own your behaviour.

In short, you could choose to put down the mallet.

Otherwise, you're the helpless victim of your self-inflicted wounds. Sounds like a screwy way to live your life, if you ask me.

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Loads Of Goals But No Place To Go
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by Asoka Selvarajah, PhD

All the personal growth literature tells us we should have goals to work on, affirmations to repeat, and that we should be constantly visualizing our future each day. All well and good. So...

If that's true, then why are most people in exactly the same place after all this personal growth stuff as they were before they started?

The reason comes down to an overall lack of life vision. In other words, there is no master plan for life. What is the point of setting goals, or working on affirmations, if you have no idea where the thrust of your life is headed in the first place? In
other words, what are you here on this Earth to do? WHY are you working towards these goals (if you have any)? 

Most people do not have any answers to these basic questions. Ask a small child, and you're quite likely to get an answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?". However, if you ask an adult a similar question, such as, "Where would you like to be in 10 years time, and what would you like to be
doing?", you are likely to be greeted by silence...

Aren't you?!...

So, how can we have given up on our dreams to this extent? Part of the answer lies in childhood. Whether at school or at home, the need to be "realistic" and "stop daydreaming" was hammered into each of us again and again. So effective was this mental conditioning that most of can no longer figure out WHY we have no idea what our dreams are! We have been so conditioned from the outside, and have compromised so often on the inside, that there is no dreaming power left. That which is nurtured grows. That which is neglected withers and dies.

Instead, we find ourselves in a place we never planned to be in. Most of us simply drifted there, without plan or design. Then, from that position, we try to create goals and dreams that the critical mind regards as "appropriate" or "possible". However,
because these goals are not true to our hearts, they do not motivate us, or fill us with any passion to achieve them. 

Goals, and all the rest of it, do no good if you have nowhere specific you are heading to. You really need to get your head above day-to-day concerns to determine what the whole point of your goals is.

Michael Gerber, author of "The E-Myth" describes a similar situation in the world of business. It seems that a lot of people become business entrepreneurs, mainly from a desire to escape the slavery of the 9 to 5 routine, and be free of the boss. The only
problem is that, whilst these people may be good "technicians", this does not necessarily guarantee success in their own business. Instead, many find themselves "trapped" in their dream, to the point where they finally hate it, and realize that this
was not what they really wanted anyhow.

Look at it another way. Hollywood typically spends over $100 million on a blockbuster movie. With these figures at stake, directors cannot afford to mentally drift. Films made these days are storyboarded first; drawings (or even animations), are created for every single shot in every single scene. Everything is visualized with crystal clarity before filming even begins. By contrast, imagine the sort of movies we would be watching if directors went about their craft the way we do our lives!

Without a clear vision of where we are heading, we can be terribly active achieving goals that take us nowhere specific.  Indeed, all this activity can serve as a good excuse for not raising our heads high enough to see where we are actually going. Or NOT going!

So, what can you do? The answer is, develop a vision, as clearly as possible, for what your life is about, and where you are heading. What is your "major definite purpose", as Napoleon Hill termed it? What are you here to do?

If you do not know the answer to this question, this is the first goal you should set; to find out. You must develop a mental image of your desired future, and develop it so clearly that you can see it, smell it, taste it and touch it. Then, keep that vision
before you often each day, and use it to fuel your goal creation.

Take time to ponder your dreams. Give yourself a regular period of time each day to do this, especially if you have no clear vision of them at present. This process may take time and cannot be hurried, because you are reactivating faculties that have been
long dormant. Without this clear vision, any other goals and affirmations you develop are virtually as good as useless. Yes, they may take you forward a bit. But in which direction, and for what purpose? Without an overall life vision, you really have no
idea.

You should ask yourself questions about all aspects of your life. Where do you want to be financially, spiritually, in relationships, health-wise, and so on? Gradually let the vision develop as you relax and take time to elicit it from deep within you. You may wish to write it down as it emerges. 

Try not to judge or censor. That will only shut down the creative process. Let it be okay to think of the ridiculous, because nothing is as ridiculous as it may seem. People have taken up mountaineering at the age of sixty five. There was a time when
Van Gogh had to learn to draw, and he was already an adult at the time!

Hence, be gentle with yourself, but retain the belief that much is possible if you have faith. It may takes days, weeks or even months. However, if you make developing a life vision your primary goal, then all others will fall into place, and you will
find the infinite inner energy with which to accomplish them.

Copyright 2003. Asoka Selvarajah. All Rights Reserved.

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Dr. Asoka Selvarajah is the author of "The 7 Golden Secrets To
Knowing Your Higher Self" course. Asoka's work helps people
achieve their full potential, deepen their understanding of
mystical truth, and find joy in their true soul's purpose. He
offers you a FREE 14-Day LifeBreakthrough e-mail course at:
http://www.aksworld.com?ITCE
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