A Message from
Wayne C. Allen
A big welcome to those of you that are new to
"Into the Centre"!
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The TV show went well, according to the people who saw it. I tried to get
permission to lift a clip from the show, but the network said "no." Ah well.
I'm getting close to finishing the Bodywork and Breathwork CD. I think you're
going to like it.
Warmly, Wayne
This week's recommendation!
Compassion in Action, Ram Dass
Books: go here
Music: go here
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The Fringe Dweller's
Guide to the Universe
Sex, Love and Compassion, part 3
Choosing Compassion
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Compassion might be described as acting in a way that will encourage
another, without expectation of return. In
Compassion in Action, Ram Dass wrote:
"Acting with compassion is not doing good because we think we ought to. It is
being drawn to action by heart-felt passion. It is giving ourselves into what we
are doing, being present in the moment — no matter how difficult, sad or even
boring it feels, no matter how much it demands. It is acting from our deepest
understanding of what life is, listening intently for the skillful means in each
situation, and not compromising the truth. It is working with others in a
selfless way, in a spirit of mutual respect."
The game, in a sense, begins when we move from being the actor to being the
action. This is pretty subtle stuff.
Perhaps the greatest flaw in our thinking about being in relationship has to
do with being there, ultimately, for what I can get out of it. As we've said
over the past two articles, there's a development cycle to this.
Article
one: One thing we think we'll get out of being in relationship is a predictable
source for sex. There's some kind of expectation that I'm going to be serviced,
and preferably on my schedule. There's also the expectation that, if we "love"
each other, the sex will get "better and better." Reality, aging and
boredom certainly change our minds about this.
Thus, if all we have is a relationship at the physical level, we're soon in
for a rude awakening.
Article
two: As we noted last week, one way of looking at love is as a tool for
self-exploration, or, as Seal puts it, for "learning my name." This process, as
we discussed last week, is "self-centric," in that what's happening here is that
the person I am in relationship acts, in a sense, as a mirror and a sounding board
for my self-knowing. A friend asked what happens if you discover everything
there is to discover about yourself - do you just "wink out?" Here's the issue
with this idea.
The whole reason for having an ego identity is to create enough drama so as
to never be able to fully answer the question, "who am I?"
Haven't you even
noticed that there are, really, only two states of existence? They might be
thought of as drama and meditation. It's one of the reasons we
fear getting old and losing our faculties. We are really saying that, if there
is no drama, who will I be?
It's why some people change their relationships as often as their underwear. They
cry, "He just doesn't understand me!" when they really mean, "The last thing I
want is to be understood." "You just don't understand" is really, "Boy am I ever
doing a good job baffling you with my drama!" So, lets say the the idea of
using love to know my name is really about noticing all of the times I create
drama in order to avoid seeing myself as I really am.
Being in a loving
relationship allows me to hear my partner as she reflects on how I am confusing
myself.
And then, if I choose, I can learn compassion. Compassion turns the mirror
away from my ego identity - my "Wayne-ness" - in a sense doing away with the need for a mirror
because there is nothing to reflect. Rather than
seeing me as "the helper," I simply help. Rather than being "the actor in my own
drama," I can simply act. I can be there for others, not because then they will
be there for me, but only because this moment requires that I be present.
Compassion, then, might be seen as simple and appropriate presence, without
desire. Or, put another way, my only desire is to be present, in the moment that
is, without wishing "things were different." Because, of course, wishing things
were different is a way to create drama, and things are always "as they are."
In the end, I think this step, this kind of compassion, is likely somewhat out
of reach for most of us. Perhaps it is a drink we can sip at. Perhaps the best I
can hope for is the willingness to let go, occasionally, of my ego needs and my
need to be special and noticed, and simply act compassionately. |
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The Phoenix Recommends: Please note: we are affiliates with the Canadian Amazon Bookstore, amazon.ca and the U.S. Amazon Store.
You can visit either location and pay in your favourite currency!
About our recommendations: books, music or whatever we recommend are linked either to The Phoenix Centre Web Store or to Amazon.com. We are affiliates of Amazon.com, and make a small referral fee if you buy a book from them, using a link from this newsletter, or from our web site. If you use the "search" link in the column to the right, you can buy ANY book from Amazon.com and we benefit from your purchase. As almost everything we do through the web site (except my books) are free, this one affiliate program allows us to offset a small portion of the expenses of publishing. If you're looking for books, tapes or anything else (pretty much anything these days!) please go to Amazon.com through our site.
To see a list of ALL of our
recommended books, click here
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FREE Booklets from The Phoenix Centre
There are FREE booklets on the web site.
Building Deep and Lasting Relationships
-- 45 pages. The booklet discusses the theory and practice of relationships.
Click here to get "Relationships"
The List of 50
-- 31 pages. Make a conscious decision about whom to be in relationship with. Exercises and examples abound. Find your perfect partner!
Click here to get
"The List of 50"
The Compassionate, Responsible Relationship
-- 36 page booklet on building the most deep and meaningful relationship possible. You'll find encouragement for finding a depth of meaning as you learn about yourself and share it, intimately and clearly, with your partner.
Click here to get
"The Compassionate, Responsible Relationship"
The Watcher
This booklet describes the voices in our heads, the games we play with ourselves, and gives you guidance at creating an alternative voice, which I call "The Watcher." Based on behavioural theory and Buddhist and psychotherapeutic teachings, the booklet will lead you into a comfortable relationship with the voices in your head.
Click here to get
"The Watcher"
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Windhorse
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