Spring Break is almost upon us, and Dar and I are busily exploring
where we are going to hang our hats for the next while.
We've had a bunch of offers from friends, and we may end up watching a house
for a year, while we focus energy into the Costa Rica project.
Here's a great new album to check out!
In other news, the audio version of my book, This Endless Moment, is almost
ready to produce. I'm just waiting for the arrival of the ISBN number.
Finally, it's nice to see an article by Debashis Dutta, after a long lay off.
His other articles are here:
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Being inflexible in understanding "what's really going on" is perhaps
the greatest impediment to living full and rich lives. And much like straining
eyesight or muscular stiffness, it only seems to get more difficult with age.
Unless you are willing
to shift your thinking.
We come by the way we see the world (and
interact with it) honestly. Where you are now in your life is the direct result
of each and every lesson you have learned and every choice you have made, right up until now
- as you sit there and
read this. And a major part of the mix is your "genetic pre-disposition."
Science continues to demonstrate that moods and overall life approach are hard-wired
into our systems. Some years ago, I mentioned Steven Pinker, and the research he's doing on brain functioning. He says 50% of
who were are is genetic. (The remaining 50%, perhaps surprisingly to parents, is
broken down - 40% peers, 10% parenting.)
As we've said, by young
adulthood, many of the person's patterns of thought and action are firmly in
place. The arrogance of youth is
a demonstration of this - teens actually believe that they know it all.
Now, this is an adequate instructionalsystem, and the proof is in how long it has lasted. For
100,000 generations, we've survived on genetic structure and instinct, coupled
with learning the overall
rules of our tribes (peers) and the specific personal rituals of our families.
A
little self-reflection, however, shows how such a system can be a dangerous thing.
This system works only when nothing is going wrong!
Reminds me of the joke of the kid who, age 6, had never spoken a word. One morning,
he screams, "Mom! The toast is burning!" Mom puts out the fire, and says,
"Thanks! But why haven't you spoken before this?" Kid replies, "Up until now,
everything was alright."
The problem that smacking our noses against what doesn't work brings up for us
is this -
will I try to fix the problem by repeating my pre-existing
understandings, or will I let go of what I think I know?
At Haven, and here, we
regularly call clients / participants (and ourselves) on clinging to old and outmoded thought
patterns - yet cling they do.
What amazes me is how willing people are to make excuses for clinging to what doesn't work. (And the arrogance of youth wears thin when the
person implementing it is 45+.) There is a wide difference between accepting who
I am while also making better choices, and justifying staying stuck by arrogantly and
"whiningly" defending
what doesn't work.
The appeal of "repeating what doesn't work" is simple. Change requires both
effort and the conquering of fear of the unknown. Remember, 100,00 generations
ago we huddled with our families and tribes around fires, trembling in the dark,
and life was short and brutish. We appear much more sophisticated, until we are
threatened (think "Terrorist Alerts" - and what colour is it today???).
Suddenly, we're huddling again, even though there is no threat.
So, is there never a threat? Of course not! There are likely one or
two in a life time for most of us. Living our lives in fear and trembling isn't
a necessity - it's a habit.
"It's how I am," is a cop out. Always. "I can't help it," is untrue. Always.
"I'm the way I am because of what was done to me," is foolish. Always. What is
true is that doing things differently takes great courage and great
understanding, and most people simply don't want to exert the effort. Life may
be painful, but lazy and stuck is simple.
I found a pretty good quote the other day:
"There is a great difference between knowing and
understanding: you can know a lot about something
and not really understand it.”
--Charles F. Kettering
Understanding requires clarity of thought and shifting of being, as opposed to lip service. The
way I am is the way I am until I choose to make other choices. Getting all
defended and annoyed is childish, and of course means you stay stuck.
This week, think about all you know about yourself, and go ahead and feel good about what's working.
Then, focus in on the things (behaviours, actions, interpretations) you know about yourself
that regularly get you into trouble.
Wonder a bit what you are missing, and why you are choosing to keep these things.
Ask yourself, "What would happen if I stopped justifying and defending what doesn't work? What would happen if I dedicated myself to coming into a place of understanding, and from there, into making other, better choices?"
Because, you see, you are only as stuck as you make yourself.
More next time!
Musings on Entitlement -
Debashis Dutta
Wayne and Co. have discussed the idea of “entitlement” over the
years through Into the Centre. Check out the archives and you’ll see his take on
it.
In my career, as a social worker and now, as a college teacher, I come across
entitlement quite a bit. Entitlement, in its most basic form, seems to come out
in the message, “I deserve”.
“He hit me, so I deserve to apologized to.”
“My kids are driving my bananas, So I deserve a break.”
“My marriage is falling apart, so I deserve to seek happiness…through an
affair.”
“I am poor, I have nothing to lose, I deserve a bigger piece of the pie, so I
will rob that store.”
“I am infertile. I deserve to have and raise children, so you will approve me to
adopt children.”
“I was offended by that remark, so I deserve an explanation and an apology.”
“I am kind and I like to help, therefore I deserve to be admitted to a program
that will teach me.”
At the college, a fellow professor and I have been dealing with an interesting
phenomenon with the students of the current generation. They come to college
with a sense of entitlement. It’s almost as if they have tee-shirts, ball caps,
sandwich boards and all kinds of accessories with a boldly stylized logo saying,
“I deserve…It’s my right”.
Before I get into this any further, I do want to point out that rights and
entitlement go hand in hand. We are entitled to safety, equality, opportunity as
enshrined by law. No one deserves violence, no one deserves prejudice and no one
deserves to be less equal. In Canada, we have the Charter and in the States, you go
by the Constitution and all its amendments. These are values that we hold dear
and make our societies what they are intended to be - a place to be everything
we can be. I have done my part to fight to maintain and improve on such rights.
And yet, people still get hurt, people still are discriminated against and you
can NEVER convince me that there is any sense of equality anywhere. Pretty
cynical, ain’t it?
And what happens when I deserve something and I don’t get it? I get right ticked
off. I stamp my feet, whine, cry and … well, you get the picture. I’m entitled
to whatever, so you had better give it to me.. or…or…or…I‘ll get mad. And that’s
all I can really do.
“And have you ever noticed that an angry man
can only get so far,
Until he reconciles the way he thinks things ought to be, with the way things
are.”
To me, this song lyric (Don Henley, My Thanksgiving, Inside Job, 2001) really
captures the problem with entitlement. Entitlement and anger go hand in hand. If
you don’t give me what I want/deserve, I can only get mad at you, at the world.
So, then what? I end up getting resentful and angry and bear a huge grudge
against you and world because I didn’t get what I want. And here is where you
pour salt in my little old wound…..YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!! I mean, how
dare you???? Here I am, asking, begging pleading, demanding something because I
have rights and I am entitled and not only do you not give anything to me, you
also walk away from me. So, now, I’m left feeling abandoned, angry and
resentful. What can I do? I know…I’ll get over you. I’ll forget you. I’ll leave
you out of my life. I’ll distance myself from you.
And then I move on, still angry, and get into other relationships/friendships and
then - someone tramples all over my rights and entitlements again. Boy, this is
real familiar to me. So, now I get even more mad. Eventually, I stop trusting
anyone and make myself a little paranoid…Not only does the world not understand
me….Not only does the world not care for me…Not only does the world not give me
what I think I deserve…But the world is also out to get me.
You think I’m blowing this out of proportion? I gave a student a student a 75 on
a paper. She told me she worked so incredibly hard on it…and she never got marks
like this in high school…and she’s read other students’ papers and thinks their
work is awful compared to hers…and what was I thinking when I marked theirs
and gave them a better mark…and college profs are just not fair…and maybe I am
biased and she deserves better experiences out of college, not a mark that
compromises her self-esteem….how can she appeal the mark…and she deserves more
respect than a 75.…
I have also rejected couples who want to foster children. Well, what do I know
about kids? And don’t I see the love that the couple can offer to a hurt
child…and how dare I squash the dreams of the couple to help the children and
serve the community…and don’t I see that they take good care of their own
kids…and what kind of a social worker am I to reject someone’s application
based on one or two meetings…they want to care for children and they deserve the
chance to do it and they want to appeal the decision …and they deserve more
respect than what I gave them…..
Oh….My….
Entitlement simply leads to anger and anger feeds into itself. Now, I’m not
dismissing anger. It’s a useful emotion because it tells us that something is
not right. But when you expect others to take care of your anger for you…that’s
just plain irresponsible. Certain wrongs must be righted and when such efforts
are made, sure, I’ll concede that it helps you to let go…a little bit. But
really now, dealing with your entitlement and anger is not everyone else’s problem.
My bottom line is that I do not deserve anything from anyone. I am not entitled
to anything from anyone. I can ASK for things and maybe I will get them and
maybe I won’t. I don’t deserve the respect and affection of my students. I can
command it, by doing things that may or may not elicit it. When good things come
my way, I am thankful. When they don’t, oh well. I try to move on. In my
marriage, I expect and deserve nothing. Rather, my wife and I make agreements
about how we are going to be with each other. When parts of the agreement are
compromised, we talk about it (sometimes it leads to emotion), but we take
responsibility for our part on the agreement. I have small children. Parents
deserve respect. Not me. I give what I think they need and they CHOOSE to
respect me or not respect me based on my interaction with them. I do not demand
it, I create a situation so that they feel comfortable, safe and loved. The
respect comes anyway.
Like the lyric says, being angry gets us only so far because we are always
battling over what we deserve versus what we get. I prefer to let go of what I think I
deserve or am entitled to and accept what I get, good and bad. And it’s all good
anyway.
So, do I deserve to have Wayne publish this? In the end, it doesn’t matter….and
that is freedom.
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