Here's yet another counter-intuitive idea, which most would
agree makes sense, except not for them.
Explore, and experiment with,
those things you scare yourself about
Our culture teaches us the opposite – (I believe it is almost
always a good idea to do the opposite of what culture teaches…) –
that when scared or confused, run like hell.
Needless to say, if you've been with us for a while, you'll know
that one place where all of this "comes home to roost" is with Bodywork. (We'll be talking next issue about
the mechanics of blocked energy and how Bodywork can help – this week, we'll
just look at the metaphor.)
Metaphor - There's a sore spot, and the
Bodyworker pushes on it, hard.
Or, holds points where old, old stuff is.
On other planets, people might argue
that
"if it hurts, leave it alone." We beg to differ.
Nothing gets resolved by ignoring it. Plain and simple. Take
relationship issues. Rare indeed is the couple who comes for counselling at the
first hint of difficulty – or even before there is a difficulty. (One of the
people I trained with proposed what she called "Whole Family Counselling" –
counselling for families who were dong well and wanted to do better – that was
one hard sell.)
No, people put up with minor discomfort, which becomes an issue,
which becomes a problem, which becomes a fight, which becomes a crisis. Then,
they show up and "want the therapist to fix it." Sometimes,
years have passed since the whole thing started, but working on it back then
didn't happen, because such work was seen as painful, and therefore better put
off. Many, many people live their whole lives this way.
One of the things I contend with, given my personality, is that
I often have a greater desire for my client's well-being than he or she does.
Gloria (my therapist) used to laugh at me about this. Typically, clients do move
beyond where they thought they were going when they work with me, but what I'm
really on about is how often people show up, and then do a couple of sessions,
just to get the pain back down to a manageable level. They don't want to move to
a new level of understanding. They want psychological Aspirin.
I can be a demanding guy about this. I want people to deeply
confront the games they are playing with themselves and with others, and to find
alternatives. I continue to learn to get over myself about this, and let go of
expecting that clients actually want to be whole. I think that 75% of the people
who show up on my doorstep are in it for short term pain reduction as
opposed to engaging in a life long project of tackling the really important
stuff.
It get so weird. People will uncover some old, ancient trauma,
which is usually attached to a physical illness. Often it is the illness – or
perhaps better put – the persistence of the illness – that brings
them in. We start to work, and because I'm me, we get to the real issue pretty quickly. Then, the walls go up.
"Oh no! Not that! I can't deal with that! You're not going
there, are you?" That's the point many people stop, or go find a "kinder,
gentler" therapist.
I'm baffled. I wonder aloud why they only want symptom relief,
as opposed to getting to the root, the core, of the issue. I start hearing
excuses – money, time, distance, the illness. Or, they tell me that they are
really "enlightened," and that somehow I'm missing this, focusing as I am on
their crappy, messed up lives. I am, I repeat, baffled. Why would the person
choose to stay stuck in the same crap, over and over, when tacking the root
cause, while painful, is also extremely effective?
I think it boils down to this: people figure that a recognizable level of pain, hurt, and disappointment is better, somehow,
than the effort they imagine actually dealing with the root issue will
cost them.
Of course, the joke is this: nothing, absolutely nothing,
gets better by itself. Half measures provide a modicum of relief, but pretty
soon the person is back where they started from – or worse.
It seems to me that, in my life, it has been far easier
to tackle the big stuff head on. Not once in a while, but all the time. As I get
older, with less physical resources to cover over the crap, I think tackling
stuff at the root is essential.
I amuse myself over my 40-something friends and clients, who are
rapidly discovering that the games of their youth no longer work. Bodies are
slowing down, breaking down, and coming up with all sorts of odd symptoms,
diseases and problems. Much, much harder to ignore this stuff, but ignore it
they do.
And then they fall down for a week or a month. Whatever it is,
symptomatically, gets worse. Same thing with relationship issues. What was
swallowed whole is now hard on the stomach. Heartaches and stomach aches are
common, and no longer passed off as aberrations.
As we're noting, the way through this mine-field is through
relentless self-reflection and examination. In a sense, the Bodywork metaphor is
apt. What is required is deep pressure right where it hurts. No running away.
The irony is that the hard work pays off in fairly quick
results. I have one client I work with who, last week, wrote,
Physically, my back is pain free.
Still having
stomach twinges and some
feeling of heaviness way down.
I felt lots last
night...more than in a long time.
It was like oh...hello.. it's you...
I've
missed you....
where have you been...you are one hot, vibrant,
deep, real, messy
woman!
I really appreciated you staying with me
through all that. I'm always
amazed at your ability to know that I'm not finished
even when I think I am.
The
"staying with" is the easy part. There's nothing I would rather do (other than
hang out with Darbella,) than work with a client or a friend who is pushing
through a drama or an illness or life itself. There is a beauty and a symmetry
to this work, when we get out of the work's way. As my friend, above, is
noticing, as she once again moves deeply inside and tackles the issues she has
been stuffing.
This week, list all of the excuses you use to keep
yourself from being whole, real and alive. Ask yourself what excuse you are
using to avoid dealing with the issue head on.
Then, get over
yourself, and start!
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