the pathless path

Seven Ways to Live in the Endless Moment

1. Now is all there is

If I had to condense down all of the client issues I’ve dealt with in 25 years, I would say it comes down to this: living in the past or the future is deadly.

It is easy to latch on to some tragedy from the past or pine for some glimmer of hope in the future, and thereby to waste one’s life. Yet, the pull to look inside is strong.

Inside? Of course. No matter how much you believe your version of your past story, no matter how you imagine your future will be, it’s all a fantasy.

Nothing you think happened,
happened the way you think.
And nothing you imagine,
is going to work out
as you imagine.

The key to these seven ideas is how they relate to the seventh one. The Middle Way is the Buddha’s discovery. It lies between austerity (starving and abusing himself) and excess (a life of luxurious, conspicuous consumption.) Notice that the Middle Way is not a replacement for the other two, but rather an acceptance of all of it, by choosing the equanimity of the Middle.

It is so that we will endlessly reflect upon our imagined past and imagined future. It is non-helpful to try to stop, and also non-helpful to give yourself grief for doing it.

2. Life isn’t fair

Shift (and shit…) happens. If you think life is supposed to be fair, you are in for a rocky ride.

Life is, and all kinds of stuff happens. Birth, living, death—and much of it out of our control. I can guarantee you will experience the death of others, including people you love. You will experience betrayal, often by people you love. You will be abandoned, often by people you love. You will be unjustly blamed, judged, punished. And then, you will die.

I know. You think you ‘should’ be special, and that stuff like this ‘shouldn’t’ happen—and especially to you. After all, what did you do to deserve this? (I hear that exact line, often, from clients…)

Many people waste their lives trying to get others to treat them ‘right.’ Somehow,
a) it never happens, and
b) they meet, again and again,
people who do not treat them right.

Maybe they are looking for the wrong thing.

3. No one is coming

I’ve written about this line before—it’s on a framed sign on my supervisor’s wall. Another ridiculous belief is that rescue is coming—either in the form of a celestial cowboy coming to end the world and take you off to live in the clouds, or in the earthly version of rescue from the man or woman who will ‘complete you.’

Hollywood loves rescue fantasies. The good guy saves the damsel in distress, and vanquishes the baddies.
Nice. Not valid, but prevalent.

No one is coming. No one is going to make it all better for you. No one is going to cover the puddles of your life with their cloak.

Many of you will have been wasting your life trying to be ‘nice to others’ so they’ll be nice to you. Same idea. Sacrifice your life for another, and they’ll do the same for you. Ever notice that it doesn’t work, you’re miserable, feeling put upon, and no one has come to rescue you? 

Back to # 2 – life isn’t fair. It’s not a zero sum game. Waiting for rescue or giving your life away in hopes that someone will do the same for you is a mook’s game.

4. Be grateful

Most gratitude is conditional. As in, I’ll be grateful to you after you’ve done something for me. You go first.

My mother-in-law has a needlepoint in her bathroom. It’s of a bear looking into the mirror.
Text: "Smile!"
"You go first."

I mentioned in a previous post that my nature is to be somewhat morose (god, I love that word…) and I notice that all I have to do is look at Darbella and I’m suffused in gratitude. Because we accept each other as we are, not attempting to fix each other, but simply being with each other, gratitude is what is left when the drama goes.

It’s easy to be grateful for stuff we judge to be good. Harder, much harder, to simply be grateful for (as Zorba says) the whole catastrophe. How can you be grateful for death, tragedy, sadness, betrayal?

Well, it’s one of those Middle Way answers. If you bitch, moan and complain about it all, what changes? Gratitude is not condoning the evil that happens. Rather, I am grateful for having survived yet another lesson. In a sense, I am grateful for having (so far) survived and learned.

Easy? NO! Essential? YES!

5. Give it away

I want to give a shout-out to Skellie of skelliewag.org I read a lot of stuff on blogs, and her site and her style is amazing. She did a free review of The Phoenix Centre site, and the Blog, with the view to simplification and utility. I immediately implemented all of her suggestions—she’s that good.

But what I like is her attitude—she sees giving as a way of being of service, and assumes that such a life-choice benefits both herself and others. In a sense, she’s Karmic, in the best sense of that idea—what goes around comes around.

Another shout-out to Hugh Johnston—he bought me coffee the other day, as we hadn’t seen each other in a while. Turned into a 3 hour gab fest, mostly around Hugh coming up with thoughts about me and my work. He selflessly gave of his expertise, just because he wanted to.

Both Skellie and Hugh demonstrate this point:Your job is to give yourself away.

Now, of course, we all need to make a living. But most people tend to wait and wait to find the perfect moment to be themselves. They withhold their passion, their talents, their gifts, waiting to be "appreciated." Or, they get into the "I’m not doing this if I don’t get paid" mentality.

Again, remember the Middle Way. This not a paean to ‘free.’ It’s a suggestion, like all of these, to make yourself—your skills, knowledge, gifts—available to those around you.

My mom, lovely woman that she was, was
a) a good cook, and
b) a lay minister.
I mention those two things together because,
a) when asked for a recipe, she’d agree, then leave out ingredients, so the person making the recipe would end up with something ‘not quite as good.’
b) in all her years in the ministry, she only she had 10 sermons to her name, which she trotted out when asked to preach. People would ask her for a copy, and she’d refuse.

Now, here’s the punch-line. After she died, we cleaned out her ‘stuff.’ None of her ‘special’ recipes were written down. And she had a little lock box in her closet. In it were her 10 sermons, which we threw out, not knowing what else to do with them. Thus, nothing survived her.

6. Be passionate

Passion is all about being engaged. Immersed. Overcome. To do so, you have to let down your guardedness, and tear into life and living, with verve and pleasure.

Many, many choose to disengageb based on fearing, "What will people think?" They are strongly pulled to passionate, full, juicy living, and back off because of the pressure to conform.

Now, of course, there is a price to pay for being passionate, and it is exactly the consequences of living passionately that lead so many to repress themselves.

I tend to be pretty clear about where I come from and what I expect of myself, and I am equally clear with my clients, customers, and friends. Many think I push the envelope way, way too much. I disagree.

7. Live the Middle Way

Of course, this is all about living the Middle Way. This path is about recognizing the fallacy of black and white, rules based living and thinking. Most lives stall on the "What is the right way to live?" question. They stall because all that ever happens is an internal rehashing of the same old thoughts, dreams, fears.