Comments on: The Courage to be Happy http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/ The random musings of psychotherapist Wayne C. Allen - a simple Zen guy - on living and relating elegantly Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:05:00 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc hourly 1 By: wayne http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/comment-page-1/#comment-311 wayne Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:58:50 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/#comment-311 Hi Tony, There is no question that hormones add another level to "life." A bodily feeling arises quite powerfully. This is part of the article I'm going to write today, for next week. We use the word as The Haven does - carefully. We consider feelings the actual physical sensation - tight/loose, hot/cold, close/distant, etc. As in, "I'm feeling cold and distant toward you right now." Most people take the feeling, judge it, and hang an emotion on top of it. "Hmm. Tight. Cold. I must be angry." This ego process at that point also controls the memory bank, so it looks around for something or someone to blame for the emotion IT CREATED. Thus a feeling (which may be created by hormones, or simply as a bodily response to a stimulus,) is turned into an emotion. None of this is 'bad.' We simply propose slowing things down a bit, and being totally honest about the process. "I am tight. I am going into my head and judging that you are attacking me, and am making myself angry." Then, it's possible to deal with the anger constructively, and then swing back to the tightness. Whatever one's partner is doing or saying is always neutral TO ME. Until I choose to judge it as bad, hurtful, rude, etc. If I can make myself (and yes, it takes effort) to stop before I bite on my interpretation, I can instead as my partner for their intent, let them vent, and simply listen and learn a bit about their reality. If I assume I am RIGHT, (a judgment not based upon anything other than my opinion,) there is either going to be a fight, or I am going to stuff the info. (your "brewing") and move on, thinking it's better to stuff it than deal with it. Eventually, there is no more room for unresolved issues. So, choice, for me, is being aware of my reactions and judgments, and dealing only with them - not, in other words, trying to "fix" Dar when I am unhappy. I hope the next article might say all of this better. Feel free to ask questions for whatever you want to know. Hi Tony,
There is no question that hormones add another level to “life.” A bodily feeling arises quite powerfully. This is part of the article I’m going to write today, for next week. We use the word as The Haven does - carefully. We consider feelings the actual physical sensation - tight/loose, hot/cold, close/distant, etc. As in, “I’m feeling cold and distant toward you right now.”
Most people take the feeling, judge it, and hang an emotion on top of it. “Hmm. Tight. Cold. I must be angry.” This ego process at that point also controls the memory bank, so it looks around for something or someone to blame for the emotion IT CREATED. Thus a feeling (which may be created by hormones, or simply as a bodily response to a stimulus,) is turned into an emotion.
None of this is ‘bad.’ We simply propose slowing things down a bit, and being totally honest about the process. “I am tight. I am going into my head and judging that you are attacking me, and am making myself angry.” Then, it’s possible to deal with the anger constructively, and then swing back to the tightness.
Whatever one’s partner is doing or saying is always neutral TO ME. Until I choose to judge it as bad, hurtful, rude, etc. If I can make myself (and yes, it takes effort) to stop before I bite on my interpretation, I can instead as my partner for their intent, let them vent, and simply listen and learn a bit about their reality. If I assume I am RIGHT, (a judgment not based upon anything other than my opinion,) there is either going to be a fight, or I am going to stuff the info. (your “brewing”) and move on, thinking it’s better to stuff it than deal with it.
Eventually, there is no more room for unresolved issues.
So, choice, for me, is being aware of my reactions and judgments, and dealing only with them - not, in other words, trying to “fix” Dar when I am unhappy.
I hope the next article might say all of this better.
Feel free to ask questions for whatever you want to know.

]]> By: Tony Hawke http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/comment-page-1/#comment-310 Tony Hawke Thu, 09 Oct 2008 02:58:31 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/#comment-310 So choices and good choices. Courage I guess is to be able to make the choice, wisdom is to understand which is the good choice. Why do men and I guess some women that have been together for many years (over 30) suddenly go different directions, I presume there are the hormone flutuations that make crazy decions, and others that have been brewing many years and final surface one way or another. My guess would be that choices related to hormone flutuations would be easier. That is not me. Got any words of encouragement. Thank you So choices and good choices. Courage I guess is to be able to make the choice, wisdom is to understand which is the good choice. Why do men and I guess some women that have been together for many years (over 30) suddenly go different directions, I presume there are the hormone flutuations that make crazy decions, and others that have been brewing many years and final surface one way or another. My guess would be that choices related to hormone flutuations would be easier. That is not me. Got any words of encouragement.

Thank you

]]> By: wayne http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/comment-page-1/#comment-309 wayne Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:52:31 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/#comment-309 Hi Tony, Not in any real sense, as 'happiness' is subjective. Scientists who study happiness actually end up measuring other stuff i.e. serotonin or endorphin levels, for example. I think the key to all of this is to understand when I'm going off into my head and judging something 'wrong,' and making myself unhappy thereby. If I notice the process I am engaging in, I can then make better choices. Ultimately, it's accepting that happiness (and everything else) is an inside job... if I'm unhappy, I must learn to make other choices. Wayne Hi Tony,
Not in any real sense, as ‘happiness’ is subjective. Scientists who study happiness actually end up measuring other stuff i.e. serotonin or endorphin levels, for example.
I think the key to all of this is to understand when I’m going off into my head and judging something ‘wrong,’ and making myself unhappy thereby. If I notice the process I am engaging in, I can then make better choices.
Ultimately, it’s accepting that happiness (and everything else) is an inside job… if I’m unhappy, I must learn to make other choices.
Wayne

]]> By: Tony Hawke http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/comment-page-1/#comment-308 Tony Hawke Tue, 07 Oct 2008 00:58:53 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2007/11/20/the-courage-to-be-happy/#comment-308 Could there be a mathematical equation to happiness. Could there be a mathematical equation to happiness.

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