the pathless path

Introduction: Practical Ways to Deepen Your Relationship

I’ve been counselling a couple by phone, and working on describing exercises that might help between sessions. Then, a couple of days ago, I discovered a service called YuDu, which whips up brochures, online, that ‘open’ just like real brochures. You can turn pages, zoom in, print pages, etc. I decided to start making some.

The following article is the Reader’s Digest version of the online one. If you want to read the whole thing (and believe me, it’s good, so you do!) here’s the link to the YuDu Version.

The other option is to right-click on this link to the pdf version of the article and save it to your computer for future reference!

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Elegant Relating – 10 Exercises for
Conscious Communicating

Relational Stages

1. The Urge to Merge—biology trumps brains. This stage is experienced as blissful, and any issues that arise are glossed over, ignored, or excused. “After all, we re in love!”
2. Conflict—this is inevitable, as the veneer slips and the partners become more comfortable.

Suddenly, it seems, there are differences, and the differences (there all along) become both obvious and impossible to ignore.

Choices: to EXIT, to endlessly fight, to slip into boredom and apathy, or to enter into DIALOG.

3. Fights are always about ‘who is right,’ as all that changes is the ‘reason for the rightness’ (I’m smarter, my parents did it this way… I’m just trying to help, etc.)
4. Boredom and Apathy are popular choices. Relationships become ‘polite,’ like roommates. If the heat goes up, someone leaves the room to attend to something important. Conversations are stilted.
5. Dialog is the harder choice, and is taken by perhaps 5%. Open, honest, vulnerable dialog leads to a sense of aliveness, vibration, and energized living. Its characteristics are curiosity, passion, integrity, and co-creativity. (With thanks to Ben Wong and Jock McKeen, The Relationship Garden.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

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About Dialog

We teach a self-responsible communication model, designed to start people down the path of self-observation and self-revelation. Once a person begins to think and talk self-responsibly, the pattern of the model can go background. The dialog has been agreed upon, and thus is no longer optional.

True dialog has several characteristics.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

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So, if you can’t commit to an external, what can you commit to? You commit to a way of relating.

I can only commit to an action—to something I will do. Therefore, I commit to relating with you.
This is what I commit to:
I will be open, honest, and vulnerable in my daily communication with you.
I will tell you, today, who I am and what I am thinking.
I will tell you, today, everything I have done, and what it meant to me.
I will listen to you with curiosity and interest, today.
I will accept that you are who you are today, and will integrate who you are today with my picture of you from “yesterday.”
I will make myself fully available and present to and with you, today, and engage in clear and concise communication with you for not less than 30 minutes, today.
I will own all of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and interpretations, taking full responsibility for each and every one of them. If I slip and go into blaming, I will stop myself, apologise, and return to self-responsibility.
I will actively encourage you to listen to me, and  ask you to actively hold me accountable for everything I commit to.
I will commit to all of these things, without any expectation of anything from you, as all I can ever commit to is to what I can and will do.

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Exercise #1 Setting Aside Time

Set aside thirty minutes per day, for communication practice.

No excuses! Many people tell me how busy their lives are, what with kids, work, shopping, TV watching, Hockey, whatever. Their relationship sucks, but hey, what do you expect of me?

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

Exercise # 2 – First Essay – Stages of Relating

This is a writing exercise. The goal is to answer the following questions, then share your answers with your partner. DO NOT edit your writing to fit what you think your partner wants to hear! Remember, we’re all about honesty here! I’ve interspersed questions, in purple, below. Think back on the stages of your relationship.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 3 – Committing to Commitment

Above, on page 3, is a list of characteristics of a healthy, committed relationship.

Talk with your partner about your ‘take’ on this list. Which parts work for you? Which seem difficult, which seem impossible, and which do you disagree about completely?

Make your own list of things you will agree to.

Devise a clear, “I” based statement of what you will commit to in your relationship, along with a statement asking your partner to hold you accountable for what you commit to.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 4 – Open Revelation

Have a conversation about something that has, in the past, been a difficult topic.

One of our favourites is to set up a “people who turn me on” conversation, by sitting with your partner on a bench at the beach, the mall, wherever people gather.

As usual, take turns. When someone walks by whom you find attractive, tell your partner about it—what you find attractive, what you’d like to ‘do’ with the person.

Partner, listen and learn. It is just information, so let go of making yourself think this is somehow threatening.

Now, shift roles.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 4 Viewing the World from a Different Perspective

 For several years Dar and I have been offering what we call Weekend Residentials. It’s an opportunity to move in with us for a weekend and to explore your issues. We provide dialogue, exercises, and bodywork as regular parts of this experience.

One of the exercises we always assign couples is what we call the chair exercise. This is especially nice in good weather—the lounge chairs outside are perfect—but the exercise can be done indoors also.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

#5 – Implement a ‘caring days’ list

One of the essential things to ‘get’ is what is possible and what is not. This exercise comes in two parts.

First, (instructions for creating page is in the full version…) Second, differentiate between possible and impossible requests.

Examples:

Impossible: Be nice to me (what’s ‘nice?’) Make me happy (no one makes anyone anything.) Love me. (How?) Make me feel safe. (You make you safe.) Fix my problems. (You create your problems, and you fix them.) Don’t demand things from me. Let me be me. Don’t get mad. Never look at another woman.

Possible: Give me a hug. Say “I love you,” 3 times today. Give me gentle neck rub. Ask me how my day was. Invite me to go for a 15 minute walk. Hold my hand in public. Take a shower with me.

On a blank piece of paper, list the Impossible Things you regularly expect from your partner. Share the lists with each other, and then burn the lists!

Now, create a Caring Days List. Each item on the list must be possible, positive (i.e.) “Rub my head,” vs. “Don’t ignore me,” and do-able in 15 minutes or less. See above for suggestions.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 6 – Establish a ‘date night’

Amazing, really, how far off the rails most couples get. As I said above, in # 1, getting couples to agree to talk 30 minutes a day is quite the struggle. I’ve noticed that couples in trouble seldom if ever have dates with each other, let alone have “dirty weekends away.”

Sure, out come the excuses. “We’re broke!” (Want to know how much that shiny, new divorce is going to cost?) “There’s no time!” (Maybe after you’re dead there will be more…) “We have kids!” (They’ll live without you for a few hours.) “What if we fight while we’re on our date?’ (Why the heck do you think you need a date in the first place? Get over yourself!)

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 7 – Have a discussion about emotions

Guess what? Emotions are a part of life. Not just the ‘good’ ones—all of them. You do not get to pick and choose which ones to have. You’ve got them all.

People get all bent out of shape about emotions.

Anger is one that pops to the top of the list. Most people confuse anger with violence, which is never OK. To deal with anger safely, you need boundaries.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 8 – Essay 2 – write about your greatest fears

Another opportunity to write and share.

We tend to be fairly protected around things we fear, especially if we are male. Women also fear stuff, and might be freer to express, but get caught in not wanting to get their partners going—as the men ride the white horse to the rescue.

Write about things you fear.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 9 – Silent sitting and eye-gazing

Here’s one of those odd, chargy, scary things most people never do.

1. Ignore the distance and touching in the picture. Set it up this way: Sit opposite your partner, in a chair, a couple of feet apart. Set your timer for 5 minutes. Set it where you can’t look at it.
2. Breathe. Breathe throughout the exercise. As anxiety rises, we tend to hold our breaths. Kind of dumb, as oxygen is a good thing.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

# 10 – Review the state of your relationship, and
make a New commitment

By now, you’re getting much better at listening and being revealing. This exercise is really the basis of your ongoing communication.

From now on, as you have your daily talk time, recognize that the real topic is ‘the state of the union,’ so to speak. From now on, keep your partner in your loop. Share your thoughts, feelings, emotions.

for more, use the links above to go to the whole booklet!

Resources:

Be sure to download our two free relationships booklets

My book, This Endless Moment, is an excellent resource for living fully, deeply, and in the moment.

If you would like to have a resource for a full year of self-reflection, have a look at Living Life in Growing Orbits, which is available as a PDF download.

Blessings and metta,

Wayne C. Allen

http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog

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