Image from the new “Watch­men” trailer. As shown at the 2008 Scream Awards on Spike TV

Find­ing Your Self

So, last week I fin­ished the Rela­tion­ships Series, and sug­gested that I might start writ­ing about self-responsibility. As I was think­ing about this arti­cle, I was bounc­ing around between reflect­ing on the state of the world, (by def­i­n­i­tion, out of our con­trol) and how one relates to the world (by def­i­n­i­tion 100% under our con­trol.)

And then I saw the trailer for the movie of the graphic novel “Watch­men,” caught the above image, and thought, “Perfect!”

In case it’s too blurry (it’s a screen cap­ture taken off of the trailer) that’s two of the heroes kiss­ing as all hell breaks loose in the near dis­tance. A key plot ele­ment in the Watch­men, (who are super heroes in a par­al­lel uni­verse) is the decon­struc­tion of the hero/rescue mentality.

Per­haps we need fewer heroes rid­ing to the res­cue,
and more per­sonal, heroic action

I find this inter­est­ing, in this time of elec­tions and eco­nomic melt­downs. Canada just re-elected a minor­ity Con­ser­v­a­tive gov­ern­ment — and many would argue that this hap­pened less because of the virtues of Harper’s Con­ser­v­a­tives than on the the pub­lic per­cep­tion of the Liberal’s Dion as being a weak leader. Nei­ther can­di­date, think­ing in terms of the “Watch­men,” is a hero, so 30-some-odd per­cent voted for the sta­tus quo, the major­ity frac­tured among the “Left-leaning” par­ties, and voila, a big pile of uncertainty.

And…wait for it…Canada is next door to Alaska!

I’ll just be a Cana­dian and avoid too much con­ver­sa­tion re. the mad­ness to the South. I find it hilar­i­ous that the Repub­li­cans are reduced to par­ody, that they think “spread­ing the wealth” is social­ism, and that the other half of the ticket is Tina Fey’s weaker sis­ter. ‘Nuf said.

On to the Point

If I could explain why peo­ple come for coun­selling, it would be this: they are scared and dis-satisfied. Because of con­di­tion­ing, they blame exter­nals: oth­ers, the sit­u­a­tion, or some higher power for the uneasy feeling.

Because of this preva­lent exter­nal focus, they also want some­one (a hero) to swoop in and make it all better.

If they are hav­ing rela­tion­ship issues, it’s because their part­ner did not live up to their expectations–the res­cue was not forth­com­ing, or the wrong kind, or their part­ner actu­ally expected res­cue from them!

Mark­ers of Discontent

The neat thing about Body­work is that stuff comes up, and it’s pretty hard to not notice it. The jaw points (hinges) are major block­ages for most peo­ple. This is where we “bite off” how we express our­selves, and what we mostly repress are our pas­sions (for life, sex­ual and sen­sual expres­sion, etc.) Push­ing there often elic­its pain at the point, move­ment of the pelvis, and nau­sea.

Nau­sea could be described as “sick­ness over all the shit I’ve swal­lowed.” In other words, it’s like the body acknowl­edges that, by look­ing out­side for sat­is­fac­tion, and for swal­low­ing our pas­sion and zest for life, we’ve become sick to death.

If Only “I’m sick to death of this way of liv­ing”
Auto­mat­i­cally Led to Change…

Mostly, this “sick sense” lasts for a day or two, and then it’s back to the sta­tus quo. Bet­ter the devil you know… So, the recog­ni­tion of blocked-ness retreats ever again, hid­ing in the aches and pains, the ill­nesses, and in skewed and dys­func­tional rela­tion­ships that go on and on and on, ad nau­seam.

What to Do?

It’s time to take you and your life seri­ously. This hap­pens as you direct your atten­tion inward, seek your strengths and per­sonal path or direc­tion, and then act from there, in con­cert with like minded others.

I sug­gested this to a client yes­ter­day. Her mother, who has had noth­ing but failed rela­tion­ships, con­stantly gives her advice about her mar­riage, and my client actu­ally lis­tens! Time to stand on her own feet, stop lis­ten­ing to bad advice, and act in ways that pro­mote wholeness.

I’m going to give you three assignments.

Rather than a long arti­cle, do some home­work. Be seri­ous about this. We’ll explore the answers to these assign­ments over the next week or two.

1) Make a list of peo­ple whose opin­ion you trust. This should be a short list, and will con­tain peo­ple whose lives match their words. My list con­tains 5, one of whom is Dar­bella, and none of whom are or ever were, rel­a­tives like my par­ents, peo­ple who talk a good show but haven’t a clue, or peo­ple out of integrity.

Do not add peo­ple that you think “should” be on your list — spouse, part­ner, par­ents, etc. — unless they meet the above cri­te­ria. And don’t add peo­ple that play the “I really value you, so you should value me” game.

2) Answer this Ques­tion: “What do you want?” No gen­er­al­iza­tions.

• “I want to be happy” is a dumb answer. What the hell does “happy” mean? Define your terms!
• “I want to express my inner nature through my prac­tice of…” is closer to the mark.

Be spe­cific. Be clear. This is a chance to actu­ally chose a direc­tion and focus for your life, as opposed to just going through the motions. I see peo­ple work­ing their asses off, and when I say, “To what end?” they don’t know. “So I can retire in 30 years with a lot of money” seems to me a strange way to spend 30 years.

3) Describe your per­fect day. I used this in a Work­shop years ago, and love this exer­cise. Set aside 30 min­utes, and write about what your per­fect (work­ing) day would look like. In other words, don’t do a vaca­tion day. Describe how enact­ing “what you want” from ques­tion 2 would get played out. What would you do, read, cre­ate, plan, and who would be close at hand? Clear the decks of dumb projects, mind­less activ­ity and hangers-on, and be cre­ative with your day.

Next week, we’ll look at how to “unpack” your answers.