Many moons ago, I wrote a list of 12 Prin­ci­ples that were the basis of my under­stand­ing, both of my life and of my coun­selling prac­tice. I’ve been think­ing about pulling them together into a small book that I could give to new clients.

I’ve decided that I’d, at least for now, tackle each of the top­ics here, in the blog. We’ll see how it goes.

10. Hap­pi­ness and con­tent­ment is an inside job. Because of our cul­tural train­ing, we look out­side of our­selves for mean­ing, for com­ple­tion, and for secu­rity. Self-knowing requires 100% com­mit­ment to the under­stand­ing that noth­ing out­side of you con­trols you. How you are, and who you are is always and only about you. Dis­cov­er­ing your own level of con­tent­ment is the chief goal of life.

The key to hap­pi­ness and con­tent­ment is
deter­mined by your inten­tion.

This was one of those “Of course!” moments for me. I real­ized that one could ana­lyze the first two (hap­pi­ness and con­tent­ment) only on the basis of the last one (inten­tion). But it’s a bit com­pli­cated, so let’s unpack.

You have to lis­ten to me…

I ask a father, “What is your inten­tion for your kids?”

He replies, “I want them to be happy.”

I ask, “What does hap­pi­ness look like?”

He: “They lis­ten to me and do what they are told.”

Me: “How do you get them to lis­ten and to obey?”

He: “I yell at them, until they do what I want them to.”

Me: “Are they happy, and are they doing what you want?”

He: “No, so I yell louder.”

Me: “Are you happy / content?”

He: “No. but a father has to sac­ri­fice for his kids.”

And on and on.

Most peo­ple have not unpacked their inten­tions, and have no clue what hap­pi­ness / con­tent­ment looks like for them.

They are sure, how­ever, that it involves some­one or some­thing out­side of them­selves doing things differently.

By the bye, the wife of the above guy tells me she won’t be happy until he stops yelling at the kids, and besides, she’s not sure why she mar­ried him in the first place, but has to stay, “For the kids.”

I did this same dance with my ther­a­pist back in 1996, when she asked me if I was happy, and I replied with a list of things I needed first. She said, “OK, you have those things. Are you happy?” I came up with another list.

Moral of the story? I was fix­ated on the things I needed to even­tu­ally by happy / con­tent, and the list always led to…
you guessed it… more lists.

I had to learn what I call the “les­son of pres­ence.” When I brought my atten­tion from lists and future hap­pi­ness, I became aware that I was doing well, right now.

I’ve come to the con­clu­sion that what’s really nec­es­sary is a relent­less, 100% com­mit­ment to being present.

And a chief aspect of pres­ence is know­ing, with crys­tal clar­ity, what games I am play­ing with myself.

In the dad’s case, above, I’m sure he was used to most peo­ple let­ting up on him after he said he wanted his kids to be happy, to lis­ten, and to be well behaved. Most peo­ple hear plat­i­tudes like that and drop the enquiry.

Indeed, most peo­ple drop the enquiry as they bump up against their own, flawed platitudes.

One client decided not to be depressed any more. I indi­cated how she’d have to end­lessly pay atten­tion to her moods. This wasn’t pleas­ing to her, as she thought that sim­ply decid­ing not to be depressed should fix every­thing. Pay­ing atten­tion to how she depressed her­self wasn’t inter­est­ing to her. Because of this, her actual inten­tion was to pre­tend she was “cured” while ignor­ing her­self, her way of being, and her moods.

In each case, there is the story we tell our­selves (and oth­ers) and what lies beneath it—the real story.

In the dad’s case, the hid­den story is, “Dads keep their kids in line by yelling at them—otherwise, they are out of con­trol.” Most peo­ple don’t exam­ine this hid­den story or moti­va­tion, and since it’s hid­den, can’t under­stand why their plat­i­tudes (“I want my kids to be happy”) never come true.

A 100% com­mit­ment to self dis­cov­ery requires that we chal­lenge our plat­i­tudes, to see what props them up.

Often, peo­ple will tell me the lat­est dis­as­ter story, and will totally miss that the story is just the lat­est in a long string of the same story.

Many peo­ple I know, for exam­ple, are “fix­ers.” They assure me that they will be con­tent when the present “fix” takes hold. How­ever, they miss that “fix­ers,” by def­i­n­i­tion, need some­one or some­thing to fix. So, even if the fix takes, if they con­tinue to be a “fixer,” they will cre­ate some­thing new to fix, or break some­thing they already fixed. Just to have some­thing to do.

And since hap­pi­ness and con­tent­ment, for them, hinges on the plat­i­tude of hav­ing every­thing fixed, (while umcon­sciously con­tin­u­ing to break stuff,) they never get to “there.”

Our approach to all of this is relent­less self-examination and here-and-now liv­ing.

The key is con­tained in the words self, and here-and-now.

Either alone or with a ther­a­pist, you must get a han­dle on your sto­ries, dreams, wants, and eva­sions. In other words, all of those exter­nal things you blame for how you are need to be let go of, and then set aside.

For exam­ple, with the dad, above, the work is at the level of the final belief: in his case, “My job is to yell at the kids until they obey.”

You nar­row it down: “I must fix every­one.” “All men leave me.” “I need every­one to love me and think I’m won­der­ful.” What­ever. Once you get to the bot­tom of the sto­ries, you’ll see that you have a belief about how oth­ers (things or peo­ple) ought to be, and will see that you are repeat­ing this theme over and over, and never get­ting any­where with it.

Once you see what you are doing, you can take respon­si­bil­ity for it, and then ask, “What can I do, right now, to bring peace, con­tent­ment, and hap­pi­ness to my life?”

If your answer has any­thing to do with some­thing out­side of your­self and in some time-frame other than now, go back to the draw­ing board.

In the end, it’s all about dis­cov­er­ing your own level of com­mit­ment to your walk, your path, and your level of hap­pi­ness and con­tent­ment. This begins by under­stand­ing that hap­pi­ness and con­tent­ment are self-determined, 100% of the time.

It’s your walk, your path, and if you are bogged down,

you walked into the bog.

Ulti­mately, it is pos­si­ble to get to the point of Sim­ple Pres­ence, that state of grace where you just are. No goals, no things, and oth­ers to fix, just being in the moment and appre­ci­at­ing the moment for what it is. Noth­ing to do, noth­ing to even­tu­ally become.

This is liv­ing at its finest.