Comments on: Exercises in Self-Discipline http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2009/07/20/exercises-in-self-discipline/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=exercises-in-self-discipline Wayne C. Allen - a simple Zen guy - writes about living and relating elegantly Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:49:39 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: wayne http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2009/07/20/exercises-in-self-discipline/comment-page-1/#comment-480 wayne Sun, 02 Aug 2009 15:58:06 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/?p=299#comment-480 What compels you to do what you do not want to do? You stay/participate because you choose to. So, it's "Here is an opportunity to choose, and I choose to do what I say I dislike." Zen, by the way, recognizes a difference between evaluation and judgement. "I do not like the taste of bananas: is an evaluation. "I hate bananas! They are disgusting! No one should eat bananas!" is a judgement. During the last 2 years of my mom's life both Dar and I found that we became uncomfortable around her after 30 minutes or so. We therefore left when either of us noticed discomfort. We didn't stay and "put up with it," nor did we demand she change, nor did we gripe. We just got up, said, "Good seeing you, mom, we'll see you next week" and left. Now, had I committed to something, to a specific time I'd stay, then I'd stay without complaint, because I'd agreed. Zen is tough precisely because you are always completely responsible not only for what you do, but for your feelings. Therefore, in your question, I must ask myself, "What do I want here?" If I want to say no, I say no. If I want to leave, I leave. And if I choose to stay, I stay, without complaint or judgement. The non-starter choice is to choose to do something you do not want, and then to make yourself resentful, judging, and blaming. Nothing is happening TO you. Just have a breath and walk away. What compels you to do what you do not want to do? You stay/participate because you choose to. So, it’s “Here is an opportunity to choose, and I choose to do what I say I dislike.” Zen, by the way, recognizes a difference between evaluation and judgement. “I do not like the taste of bananas: is an evaluation. “I hate bananas! They are disgusting! No one should eat bananas!” is a judgement.
During the last 2 years of my mom’s life both Dar and I found that we became uncomfortable around her after 30 minutes or so. We therefore left when either of us noticed discomfort. We didn’t stay and “put up with it,” nor did we demand she change, nor did we gripe. We just got up, said, “Good seeing you, mom, we’ll see you next week” and left.
Now, had I committed to something, to a specific time I’d stay, then I’d stay without complaint, because I’d agreed.
Zen is tough precisely because you are always completely responsible not only for what you do, but for your feelings. Therefore, in your question, I must ask myself, “What do I want here?” If I want to say no, I say no. If I want to leave, I leave. And if I choose to stay, I stay, without complaint or judgement.
The non-starter choice is to choose to do something you do not want, and then to make yourself resentful, judging, and blaming. Nothing is happening TO you. Just have a breath and walk away.

]]> By: Yvette http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2009/07/20/exercises-in-self-discipline/comment-page-1/#comment-477 Yvette Sun, 02 Aug 2009 05:43:36 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/?p=299#comment-477 Hello Wayne, I find your articles to be rather enlighting and helpful and I look forward to them every week as I look to them for guidance in my Zen journey and I wanted to thank you for your dedication and hard work every week. With that said, in this article you talk about people who say "That’s just the way I am—you’ll just have to put up with it" which I have personally experienced with someone close to me and I find myself not wanting to "put up with it". But if I am practicing Zen then am I judging them or letting my ego get in the way because I find myself being resentful because I do put up with it but I really don't want to? Can you give me some insight on how you would handle that sort of situation. Regards, Yvette Hello Wayne, I find your articles to be rather enlighting and helpful and I look forward to them every week as I look to them for guidance in my Zen journey and I wanted to thank you for your dedication and hard work every week. With that said, in this article you talk about people who say “That’s just the way I am—you’ll just have to put up with it” which I have personally experienced with someone close to me and I find myself not wanting to “put up with it”. But if I am practicing Zen then am I judging them or letting my ego get in the way because I find myself being resentful because I do put up with it but I really don’t want to? Can you give me some insight on how you would handle that sort of situation.

Regards,
Yvette

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