http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2009/09/28/6-ways-deepen-relationships/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=6-ways-deepen-relationships Wayne C. Allen - a simple Zen guy - writes about living and relating elegantly Tue, 07 Feb 2012 23:53:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2009/09/28/6-ways-deepen-relationships/#comment-502 wayne Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:24:32 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/?p=321#comment-502 Hey there, The way I use it: compromise involves giving things up. Both parties get much less than they were looking for, and typically resent it. "OK, I'll go, but I'm going to be miserable." A consensus, on the other hand, means that both parties walk away thinking they have been heard, and valued. AND both parties agree completely that the consensus is 100%. Example- this one took Dar and me 18 hours, some years ago. I decided that I wanted to open 2 additional branch offices, and be each once per month, Fri-Sunday. Dar teaches, and is only off on weekends. She was not interested in this, at all. Compromise - I'll open 2 offices, but only go once a month, alternating offices. Dar's not happy, I'm not happy. The 18 hour discussion centered (as it was my issue) on what I hoped to accomplish, or gain, doing this, vs. what I would lose in time with Dar. I got stubborn for a while, then looked at what I was doing. There were people in both locations agitating for me to come there, I suspect to save them from driving to see me. I had an ego investment in being seen as busy, busy, and clearly important. Financially, it was likely going to be a wash. Still, we both argued mightily for our position, while listening fully to each other. Ultimately (hour 17...!) I realized that I had no good reason for doing this, other than the above, and wanted it because I'd thought of it, and hey, I only have good ideas! When I realized this, as well as what I'd be giving up, the consensus was to not open the offices, and to offer additional weekend workshops from home (something Dar enjoys.) We both thought this was 100% OK, and is what we did. Had we compromised, I'd be going, "I wanted 2x per month," as Dar went "I wanted 0x per month" and we'd have never unearthed what my actual motivation for busting my hump was. Does, that help? Hey there,
The way I use it:
compromise involves giving things up. Both parties get much less than they were looking for, and typically resent it. “OK, I’ll go, but I’m going to be miserable.“
A consensus, on the other hand, means that both parties walk away thinking they have been heard, and valued. AND both parties agree completely that the consensus is 100%.
Example– this one took Dar and me 18 hours, some years ago. I decided that I wanted to open 2 additional branch offices, and be each once per month, Fri-Sunday. Dar teaches, and is only off on weekends. She was not interested in this, at all.
Compromise — I’ll open 2 offices, but only go once a month, alternating offices. Dar’s not happy, I’m not happy.
The 18 hour discussion centered (as it was my issue) on what I hoped to accomplish, or gain, doing this, vs. what I would lose in time with Dar.
I got stubborn for a while, then looked at what I was doing. There were people in both locations agitating for me to come there, I suspect to save them from driving to see me. I had an ego investment in being seen as busy, busy, and clearly important. Financially, it was likely going to be a wash.
Still, we both argued mightily for our position, while listening fully to each other.
Ultimately (hour 17…!) I realized that I had no good reason for doing this, other than the above, and wanted it because I’d thought of it, and hey, I only have good ideas! When I realized this, as well as what I’d be giving up, the consensus was to not open the offices, and to offer additional weekend workshops from home (something Dar enjoys.) We both thought this was 100% OK, and is what we did.
Had we compromised, I’d be going, “I wanted 2x per month,” as Dar went “I wanted 0x per month” and we’d have never unearthed what my actual motivation for busting my hump was.
Does, that help?

]]> http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/2009/09/28/6-ways-deepen-relationships/#comment-501 DPS Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:08:31 +0000 http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog/?p=321#comment-501 What is the difference between "compromise" and "consensus"? Not the dictionary difference, but the practical difference? What is the difference between “compromise” and “consensus”? Not the dictionary difference, but the practical difference?

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