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OK, so I’m play­ing off of Stephen Colbert’s word, “Truthi­ness,” Which he defined as,

“Truthi­ness is ‘What I say is right, and [noth­ing] any­one else says could pos­si­bly be true.’ It’s not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There’s not only an emo­tional qual­ity, but there’s a self­ish quality.”

As we’ve men­tioned in our last two com­mu­ni­ca­tion mis­sives, the cure for Truthi­ness is hon­esty about our inter­pre­ta­tions. So:

Truthi­ness: “My hus­band is always to blame, never lis­tens, and doesn’t want to be with me.“
Hon­esty: “I’m feel­ing cold and dis­tant from you (said to hus­band…) and the story I’m telling myself is that I am unheard, unloved, and ignored.”

Truthi­ness is all about going from the gut with no evi­dence. Hon­esty is speak­ing for your­self about what you know about—yourself.. AND, espe­cially with the “The story I’m telling myself…” part, you’re cheer­fully admit­ting that you’re mak­ing it up as you go along.

So, what about Sorryness?

This is my word for an insin­cere apol­ogy, designed to defuse the sit­u­a­tion, while not being even close to real.

But first, about Canada…

Peo­ple in Canada, includ­ing me, talk funny. One thing I noticed when I moved here in 1975 is that the word “Sorry” gets used like punc­tu­a­tion. In the US, if two peo­ple get to a door at the same time, one will step back and say, “After you.” Or, “Par­don me.” In Canada, BOTH par­ties, like as not, will mum­ble, “Sorry.”

One of my clients flails a lot dur­ing body­work, and each time, says “Sorry!” I say, “Try “Oops!” Or say noth­ing. It’s not like she did it on pur­pose and is there­fore sor­row­ful.

Which is what the word means. Sorry means, “I am sorrow-full about.” Why would one be sor­row­ful when arriv­ing at a door the same time as another, or bump­ing into someone?

So, sor­ry­ness is using insin­cere words to stop dia­logue in its tracks.

A friend wrote last week, to sug­gest this topic. Here’s one sentence:

Its more ‘sorry’ as an out for repet­i­tive actions and per­haps to pro­tect one from, or not be curi­ous about ‘retal­ia­tory’ actions.

As you likely know if you read this blog reg­u­larly, I’m a big fan of the “action” part of the Com­mu­ni­ca­tion Model. In other words, what you do is who you are. Who you say you are, or what you promise to do, is infor­ma­tion. And it’s only pur­pose is to be com­pared to action. If your words match your actions, you are “in integrity.” If your actions do not match, you are “lack­ing integrity.”

Sorry seems to be the dumb­est word

Let’s think about an apol­ogy (a much bet­ter, less charged word…) You do some­thing you regret, and you apol­o­gize. Either directly or indi­rectly you are say­ing , “I won’t do that again.”

If you do it again, you lied.

One client said, “I told my hus­band I’d never crit­i­cize him again, and that I was sorry for hav­ing done it in the past. But then he did this really dumb thing, and I really told him off.” Out of integrity.

The oppo­site of sor­ry­ness is curiosity

If some­one says, “Sorry, I didn’t mean that,” or what­ever, say. “Thanks, and I’m curi­ous about your intent for doing that.”

Sor­ry­ness is intended to get you to stop being curi­ous. Sor­ry­ness is flung out there as a sop to the “offended party.” It’s intended to change the sub­ject, or make the sub­ject go away. And it’s also designed to allow for repeats of the offend­ing behaviour.

And… there’s no offense, if you don’t pick it up

At least there isn’t if you don’t bite and slip out of the Com­mu­ni­ca­tion Model. The Model insists that we talk only for our­selves, own what we are doing inter­nally, and exhibit (as above) curios­ity.

“So, I’m curi­ous about what you might be think­ing, behind the sorryness.”

“So, I’m notic­ing that you said you were not going to crit­i­cize, and I’m hear­ing you do that right now. I’m won­der­ing if you are aware that your actions doon’t appear to be match­ing your inten­tions, from my perspective.”

If I do not take offense, or cre­ate the inter­nal story of “Poor me, hard-done-by,” then the sit­u­a­tion both defuses, and has the poten­tial to become a dia­logue. If I refuse to engage in sor­ry­ness (or truthi­ness, truth be told…) then I can speak directly about my dra­mas. If I accept respon­si­bil­ity for my actions, and invite you to take respon­si­bil­ity for yours, then curios­ity is the key to intimacy.

Give the word, “Sorry” a rest. Try, “I apol­o­gize,” or “Oops!” Make a cor­rec­tion, take a step back, and return to hon­esty and openness.

The truth, indeed, will set you free.

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Make Con­tact!

So, how does this week’s arti­cle sit with you? What ques­tions do you have? Go to the top of this arti­cle, click on the title, and leave a com­ment or question!

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Work­shops, Retreats!

Dar­bella and I can help you to find a new, vibrant, rich path. We offer day-long and week­end events —just you and us—and we will work with you, to be the change you want to see.

Read about it here:

Day-long Inten­sives
Week­end Residentials

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Incom­ing search terms:

• how to say our sor­ry­ness to others
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Related posts:

1. More on Self Discipline
2. 6 Ways to Deepen Relationships
3. Get­ting in Touch
4. Mir­ror
5. 5 Things About Vulnerability

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Tagged with: awareness • blaming • Bodywork • Communication

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