---

---

---

So, lately I’ve been con­sid­er­ing pulling some kind of rela­tion­ships book together — for a lot of rea­sons, includ­ing some pre­lim­i­nary thoughts about a new web­site ded­i­cated to healthy, inti­mate “pres­ence based” relationships.

I also get asked the “com­mit­ment” ques­tion, a lot, by clients who are clearly con­fused about the whole con­cept of com­mit­ment. And then I real­ized that I use the word to mean sev­eral things, so today’s arti­cle is an attempt at clarity.

I think I’ll try 2 ver­sions of com­mit­ment, to start.

---

Com­mit­ment to a Process

Oddly, I think the first com­mit­ment nec­es­sary is to a way of being — or com­mit­ting to how I am going to relate. This comes well before com­mit­ting to an actual person!!!

How I choose to be has noth­ing to do with any­one other than me.

It’s funny. I say this to clients, and they agree with me, and then don’t fol­low through. They tell me, for exam­ple, that they will use the com­mu­ni­ca­tion model, then don’t. They blame their part­ner (or some­one or some­thing else.) So, here’s the first rela­tion­ship com­mit­ment we teach and recommend:

I com­mit to being open, hon­est, and vul­ner­a­ble as I relate.

This must be a hard and fast com­mit­ment, not a con­di­tional one — this is my main point. Many peo­ple are look­ing to hedge their bets:

~ “There are some things I just won’t talk about.“
~ “I’m an adult, and enti­tled to my secrets!” (This is typ­i­cally said in a 6-year-old voice, and may be accom­pa­nied by the stomp­ing of feet…)
~ “I’ll be more open as soon as every­one else of more open.“
~ “I’m will­ing to share my thoughts after I’ve fig­ured every­thing out, but I will not talk about my feel­ings, inse­cu­ri­ties, or con­fu­sions until I get there.”

Adults in adult rela­tion­ships do not hedge their bets. They com­mit to the only thing one can com­mit to: what I will do, right now.

We insist: the first com­mit­ment is to a way of relating.

Again, most peo­ple never even con­sider this. They assume (erro­neously) that “Things will just work out if I find the right per­son.” This is oth­er­wise known as mag­i­cal think­ing.

Many are the folk who believe that relat­ing is sup­posed to be easy (as in, they think they should not have to work at the rela­tion­ship — it should “just hap­pen.”) This belief is paired with the equally odd belief that one’s part­ner is there to “…do my bid­ding, make me happy, per­form on demand, and in gen­eral fol­low my lead.” This is typ­i­cally phrased as, “If you really love me, you will…” And when asked if they do the same regard­ing their partner’s demands, such peo­ple look at you like you’re crazy. “Of course not! My demands are rea­son­able! His/hers aren’t!”

Wait­ing for it all to work out, wait­ing for the right per­son to fall out of the sky — it just does not work that way.

Except in Hol­ly­wood, and you do know that movies aren’t real, right?????

So, the solu­tion is to study how good relat­ing works, learn what the tools for ele­gant relat­ing are, and then apply them. Again and again. And to repeat — you do this, no mat­ter what your part­ner is doing.

This is where the “It’s not fair!” com­plaint arises.

“Why should I have to com­mu­ni­cate if s/he isn’t?” This seems log­i­cal, on the sur­face, but dig a bit, and it’s just an excuse for not doing what you said you’d do. Because we can always find some rea­son, or some­one to blame, and let our­selves off the hook.

Noth­ing in your life is about fairness.

Life just is. We are each given unique skills and tal­ents, a unique genetic make up, and a unique social back­ground. (We all come from some­where, and some somewhere’s are scary…) Noth­ing fair about it. We work with who we are, we work with what we have, and the only place we ever start is right here, right now. It may seem that oth­ers have a bet­ter deal, have it eas­ier, etc., but we all labour under the weight of our past, poten­tial, and story.

So, you just drop all the drama and story telling, and do what you com­mit to doing: relate openly, hon­estly, clearly, and with vul­ner­a­bil­ity, because you said you would.

AND, if you really don’t want this kind of deep and mean­ing­ful rela­tion­ship, then don’t lie about it — go find a super­fi­cial one. Hell, those are a dime a dozen.

Com­mit­ment to a person.

How­ever!!!!

Here comes another tough idea. I can only com­mit, in my case, to the Dar­bella stand­ing right in front of me — to the real per­son who is right here, right now. I can’t com­mit to an imag­i­nary per­son, nor com­mit to who I wish she was.

Most get this one wrong. Dia­log: “Once we get mar­ried, I’ll stop nag­ging you to change.” “Great, and once we are mar­ried, I’ll change every­thing you don’t like!” (Said, of course, with starry eyes blink­ing madly.)

Or, “I’ll just work myself to death for another year or two or three, and then I’ll slow down.”

Or, “The sex will get bet­ter after we’re married.”

Or, “You were a lot more inter­est­ing 10 years ago. Why can’t you be like that again?”

Or, “We can work on our rela­tion­ship after the kids are grown.”

Or, “Just wait a lit­tle longer, and I’ll get around to clear­ing up my messes, and being normal.”

The only per­son you are ever in rela­tion­ship with is the one you are look­ing at, right now. AND, who they say they are (or who they say they are going to be, once the time is right and all of the prob­lems are over) is irrel­e­vant.

I am not who I say I am. I am, always and only, what I do. Or bet­ter, what I am doing right now.

Dar­bella and I have been together for 28 years, and we both say we’ve com­mit­ted to each other day-by-day. I can say with a straight face that I have never wanted any other Dar than the one I was with, had no list of who she ought to be. I wanted her. And I still do, as of this after­noon

Now, she’s 28 years older, and so am I, with every­thing that that entails. I have no, “Boy, do I wish we were 30 again” fan­tasies, as noth­ing changes after hav­ing one. Except that maybe I feel crappy. I am totally com­mit­ted (at this moment) to the actual woman who is wan­der­ing around upstairs, prepar­ing food for this weekend’s workshop.

Does this mean that I always agree with her? Of course not! I hear some of her ideas or see some of her ways of doing things, and imme­di­ately say, “I’d never do it that way!” What I do not add is, “And so there­fore do it my way.” I have no clue, even after 28 years, about how Dar “should” be Dar. I have enough trou­ble fig­ur­ing out how to be Wayne. I like watch­ing her do her thing, and will offer sug­ges­tions if asked, but mostly I just watch, and chuckle. And I notice she’s laugh­ing as she watches me.

I’ve always liked and loved who she is, because I had no expec­ta­tion she should be any­one or any way other.

So, we do com­mit to a per­son, but not to a stereo­typ­i­cal one. The only true com­mit­ment is to a real, flesh and blood, drippy, weird, odd, inter­est­ing per­son. A per­son that is one way one minute, another way the next.

And lastly, (bonus!) there’s com­mit­ment to integrity.

I think either Dar or I would be out the door in a heart­beat if either of us stopped being in integrity.

By integrity I mean that I do what I say I’ll do, damn close to 100% of the time, and so does Dar.

We don’t make empty promises, we never lie, and we never com­mit to some­thing just to get the other per­son off our backs. We say what we will do, and we do it. No excuses. And on the rare occa­sion when we do mess up, we quickly apol­o­gize, with­out blame, and get right back to doing what we said we’d do.

I’m respon­si­ble for my integrity and Dar is respon­si­ble for hers. It’s not my job to “make her” keep her word. That’s her job. And vice versa.

So, are we special?

Nope. We’re stub­born, and we’ve learned the value of keep­ing our word. To each other and to those around us whom we value.

This way of being is every­thing to us, and it’s our commitment.

So, what are you com­mit­ted to, and are you actu­ally liv­ing it?

---

Make Con­tact!

So, how does this week’s arti­cle sit with you? What ques­tions do you have? Go to the top of this arti­cle, click on the title, and leave a com­ment or question!

---

Work­shops, Retreats!

Dar­bella and I can help you to find a new, vibrant, rich path. We offer day-long and week­end events —just you and us—and we will work with you, to be the change you want to see.

Read about it here:

Day-long Inten­sives
Week­end Residentials

---

Incom­ing search terms:

• com­mitt­ment
• why can i never comit to a relationship?

No related posts.

---

Tagged with: commitment • dialog

---