Today’s sec­ond part of the Rela­tion­ships seg­ment has to do with the per­sonal ben­e­fits that can be derived from rela­tion­ships — through deep and direct effort – through ele­gant com­mu­ni­ca­tion and honesty.

Before we get to that, how­ever, let me quickly answer en e-mail I received after the last arti­cle – it pro­vides one frame­work for today’s article.

My con­clu­sions in life so far is that divorce (“get­ting out”) can become quite nec­es­sary when growth turns neg­a­tive and when all attempts to work through things fail, but it is still some­thing to learn from, not just react to. It too can be a per­sonal growth opportunity. The rela­tion­ship that got you to that point was also a sig­nif­i­cant growth oppor­tu­nity — a kind of trial by fire perhaps. Like you were meant to be in that par­tic­u­lar rela­tion­ship in order to get that growth oppor­tu­nity. In your next arti­cle I’d like to hear your take on this. 
FYI: I’d say that’s the approach I’m inclined to take, and if after divorce, like you I end up meet­ing some­one else with whom friend­ship is a key fac­tor, along with inti­macy, then a ‘rela­tion­ship’ may develop, but for me I’m not expect­ing it to end in another mar­riage. I’d have to be espe­cially lucky for that to hap­pen. I have a good friend who sug­gested that the time alone after separation/divorce is also an oppor­tu­nity to learn more about myself, and get com­fort­able with who I am. That was an inspir­ing com­ment for me. a very pos­i­tive approach to take, instead of rush­ing out to replace a rela­tion­ship with the first hor­monal surge that comes along. (I’ve not even been look­ing, for that mat­ter, I’m just work­ing on myself.) I trust that life will pro­vide me what I need for my next phase.
Your thoughts will be inter­est­ing to hear if you find any of the above worth­while com­ment­ing on.

The point I am mak­ing in this series of arti­cles is this: every­thing in life is not only a growth oppor­tu­nity, but more impor­tantly is a sign-post to how I am liv­ing my life.

The prob­lem, in my opin­ion, is that peo­ple tend to see things as growth oppor­tu­ni­ties in ret­ro­spect – after the end of the rela­tion­ship, after wast­ing a life in a job one hates, after get­ting sick – always after. My goal is to help you to choose to see the signs along the way, as they are occur­ring, as change opportunities.

In my expe­ri­ence, peo­ple hang on and hang on, cre­at­ing all kinds of excuses for stay­ing put, while blam­ing the other per­son for the problems.

I see growth oppor­tu­ni­ties every­where, but often, almost always, a growth oppor­tu­nity is a call for change.
A call to let go.

Now, I’m not talk­ing about aban­don­ing a sit­u­a­tion at the first sign of trou­ble. We think that the let­ting go is a let­ting go of what is not work­ing. Then, if I decide to leave, it is time for more work, more reflec­tion, so that I do not repeat the mis­takes of the past.

My sense is that, and here’s this week’s stuff, mostly what peo­ple do is blame oth­ers, and then sit in a feel­ing of self-righteous vic­tim­iza­tion. We pro­pose that what doesn’t work is sim­ply some­thing that doesn’t work. Wise souls use such moments per­son­ally. In other words, rather than look­ing to place blame (self or other) one looks at the behav­iour that isn’t work­ing, and then does some­thing different.

M. Scott Peck wrote (over two books) that there were three rea­sons to be in relationship.

1. pro­cre­ation,
2.for the ten­sion, and
3. to actively par­tic­i­pate in the spir­i­tual growth of another person.

We’ll leave pro­cre­ation aside and look at the other two.

Peck means by ten­sion the drama that is always going to exist between any two peo­ple. There must be ten­sion, sim­ply because we are dif­fer­ent, totally dif­fer­ent, in upbring­ing, val­ues, and under­stand­ings. These are some of the things that cause con­flict, or tension.

Often, cou­ples engage in war­fare about who is right, and the exer­cise is dri­ven by want­ing the part­ner to live dif­fer­ently, think dif­fer­ently, believe dif­fer­ently. In other words, con­flict comes when I think my was is not dif­fer­ent, but either bet­ter or right.

This is a growth edge, in that learn­ing to let go of the need to be right is vital for per­sonal devel­op­ment. Under­stand­ing that dif­fer­ences are dif­fer­ences of opin­ion, not fact, is the mark of the begin­ning of matu­rity. Let­ting go of the need to be right allows me to become curi­ous about who my part­ner is, and how they oper­ate (dif­fer­ently than me, not wrong.)

The spir­i­tual growth part is about mean­ing – why am I really here? Our belief is that we are here to learn who we are and to expand and deepen our self knowl­edge. It is almost required that this be done in dia­log. The rea­son for that is that we are really good at self-justification (lying to our­selves.) Left to our own devises, we sim­ply con­tinue to make our crappy lives all about what the other per­son (or sit­u­a­tion) is “doing” to us.

We teach a com­mu­ni­ca­tion model, not to get peo­ple to relate by rote, but to start peo­ple down the path of self-observation. Once a per­son begins to think and talk self-responsibly, the pat­tern of the model can go back­ground. The dia­log has been agreed upon, and thus is no longer optional.

Once I’ve agreed to be open, hon­est, and inti­mate, I no longer need per­mis­sion to con­tinue to do so. Requir­ing per­mis­sion each time would be dumb, as then peo­ple could opt out at any time, and coin­ci­den­tally, that time would be when they are under stress.

Dar­bella and I have an agree­ment that we will be in dia­log, and this dia­log will have a few char­ac­ter­is­tics. The chief char­ac­ter­is­tic is total hon­esty. This means that I have engaged to keep Dar in the loop of what is up for me – all the time, and Dar will do the same. There are no secrets, no games, no lying. What I do and how I think is an open book.

We also, and this is an aspect of the last of Peck’s points, are really inter­ested in each other’s growth. We’re not in a com­pe­ti­tion with each other – over who is bet­ter, or smarter, or more “evolved.” We’re in this together. Thus, we take each other’s side in all exter­nal con­flict. We look for solu­tions, not to place blame. We look for ways to resolve our issues, and to do so quickly and elegantly.

It is our belief that one’s main rela­tion­ship is per­haps the most fer­tile field pos­si­ble for self-examination and growth. Because of the 24/7 nature and com­mit­ment, there really is no place to hide.

As soon as blame is removed from the equa­tion, all I am left with is whether the rela­tion­ship I am in is the kind of rela­tion­ship that will nur­ture my growth. (And, of course, if my part­ner is not inter­ested in this process, it’s not going to go very far at all.)

My goal is to con­tin­u­ally dig deeper and to let my part­ner know what I am dis­cov­er­ing, and vice versa.

This is not the norm, but is the only valid use of a relationship.