So, as I wrote a few weeks back, our exit from Costa Rica was a bit different than expected. I tend to be almost excessively detail oriented, and it’s a mystery to me how I went more than 60 days without checking the visa stamp in our passports.

I write about paying attention all the time, so, “OOPS!”

I had a belief that I had a 90 day Visa, and based upon that belief, I never looked. The ever-kind cosmos had actually provided us with 30 day visas — to remind me that, just because I think something, this doesn’t make it so.

Un-authenticated beliefs are deadly, you see.

There are 2 flavours of belief. In my case, my belief that I had a 90 day visa was simple to (dis)prove. Wayne, look at the Visa stamp! Such beliefs are “day-to-day” beliefs. By that, I mean that the truth or falsity of the belief is “right here, in front of your nose.”

Please, let my theory pan out.

The other flavour of belief is “theoretical belief.” I call this the “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin” exercise. The Buddha, for example, was often questioned about his belief in god. He never discussed it. He said (I’m paraphrasing), “You can’t prove god, and you can’t disprove god, so why bother, when there’s so much you can understand, right in front of you.”

Most of what I do is to persuade people to get out of their heads (away from their theoretical beliefs — dramas) to their day-to-day experience.

Most get something in their heads, and then go scurrying around, trying to find evidence to back it up. The Internet is deadly, as you can find evidence for anything there.

The other line that kills me is, “Research Shows…”

I laugh, inside, because research, 150 years ago, clearly demonstrated that people of colour were inferior to “whites,” women were incapable of anything and would never have the vote, etc. Just today I read a blog post, where the author used “studies on attachment theory” (note the last word…) which “prove” that children need one consistent care-giver for the first 2 years — without it, she proclaims breathlessly, “They won’t attach!”

Right. Like one care-giver has ever been the norm. For most of history, the “community” has raised kids… but that’s not my point. She found a study to defend her wish to stay home and raise her kids. She flaunts the study, when the day-to-day evidence of well-developed kids and a non stressed mom, for me, would be much more persuasive “evidence.”

At the end of the day, all we can do is what we do, and the wise soul isn’t looking for a study to back up a personal decision.

Balanced living is all about asking, learning, and ennacting

When the Visa drama happenind in Costa Rica, I do admit to “losing it” a bit. I got the whole, “They (the infamous ‘they’) are going to throw me in jail!” thing going. To my credit, while obsessing, I re-scheduled our flights, rearranged hotels, and got us out of Dodge. I, however, had some mini-meltdowns.

What I did do, also, was ask for advice — from people who know — expats in Costa Rica.

My chiropractor in Tilaran, Ed Yurica, is a very cool guy. He’s 1/2 Costa Rican, and left the US — he is an official Costa Rica resident. He laughed at me for getting so worked up, for leaving early, etc. (as did my other Costa Rican friends — thanks again to my buddy Carlos, who solved our rental car issues with a phone call!)

Ed gave us hints about exit fees, and I thought it wise to listen.

Rather than quote studies, it’s best to find and listen to people who actually know something.

Ed is also the author of, “Play Dumb and Hold Your Ground.” He said it, we wrote it down, and I told him I was going to write about it.

Ed was describing his approach to bumping against Costa Rican authorities (like the Traffic Police…) — he described just shaking his head, and saying “No!” In other words, no defending, no persuading, no games. Plant your feet and stop talking!

This is the grounded approach to living. Darbella is doing some new Qi Gong training, and she came home with this analogy:

• Vertical alignment is — roots in the ground, head anchored in “sky energy.” This is stability.
• Horizontal alignment, on the other hand, is rooted nowhere, and therefore you are subject to the moods and winds of those around you.

Qi Gung is all about establishing Vertical Alignment.

Play Dumb and Hold Your Ground

Wow! Are you ever silly!

As I watch clients teach me how they fight, it’s always about falling into horizontal alignment — about being blown off track. One person raises an issue, the other person sees things differently (so far, no problem.) Then, either or both get into some version of “If you love me, you’ll see it my way, and change.” (Here comes a problem.)

The problem is that this leads to a shifting away from the issue, into “If you love me…” And from there, evidence mounts, stories are told, and pretty soon, the couple is fighting about stuff that happened years ago.

Play Dumb and Hold Your Ground, on the other hand, looks like, “Hmm. I notice you’re shifting to “If you love me,” and I’m not going. Let’s stay on the topic at hand.”

It takes precisely one person to stay grounded, to stay on topic, to leave the emotional games for another time. “Let’s resolve this one, then see if the other stuff needs talking about.”

The mark of wisdom, then, is to develop roots into the bedrock of balance.

From a place of rootedness, I can ask for help ‘adjusting my posture.’ I know what I know, but have no desire to convert the masses. I seldom ask, “Why is this happening to me?”, and therefore can resolve whatever happens. I have no expectation that others are invested in either “getting me,” or “saving me.”

The Buddha put it this way:

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

Beginner’s mind is a mind grounded in balance, harmony, and “not knowing.” It’s about living well, not about “being right.” It’s about “my life,” not about “studies show.” It’s real, not imagined. It’s now, not past or future. It’s authentic, not contrived. It’s “neutral empathy,” (thanks for bringing this home, Dar!) not “If you love me…”

Over the next while, let’s unpack this a bit more!

Play Dumb and Hold Your Ground is a post from: The Phoenix Centre’s Blog. If you’re reading this article anywhere else on the web, let me know!

 

Related posts:

1. Figure / Ground
2. 4 Ways to Ground a Relationship

---

The Costa Rica Update

As the Butter Flies

Great week for a bit more hiking, spotting things like blue butterflies, and finished the week working with a client here in Costa Rica. Moving south in a few days, and beginning to think about Canada January 27.

---

One of the reasons Darbella and I are in Costa Rica is to figure out the “What’s Next?” question.

Dar retired from teaching, after 31 years, back in June. We’ve been exploring both the geographical and the “what” question for several months now.

The interesting part of this is that there is a strong mix of business questions (what do we want to do, in which physical location?) and personal questions (what do each of us want to do that is fulfilling to us — that feeds our vocational drive?) And then, there’s the ever-present question: “Is what we are doing going to pay the bills?”

That last one used to (a couple of decades ago) keep me up at night. Now, not so much.

The real issue is the recognition that there are two realms in operation at all times, which my buddies Ben Wong and Jock McKeen (see The Relationship Garden and in The New Manual for Life) (affiliate links) dubbed the Political and the Personal.They broke the terms down into lists — not a good/bad list, but rather to differentiate between, for example, strength (personal) and power (political.)

Each have their place.

We get into trouble when we misunderstand the situation, and apply, say, a power move when strength would have been more helpful

What I’m getting at is that we need to learn the skill or nurture the ability to perceive our location, and to understand the dynamics of the political and the personal arenas.

Here’s a brief explanation, from a e-mail I wrote:

I guess, on the strength vs. power debate, the choice to be strategic without taking the battle personally, (a’la The Art of War — good book) is a move from personal integrity to manifestation.

I wouldn’t want to live my life without a mix of power and strength. Strength belongs to intimate relationships, and politics can’t exist there, or “must be weeded out.”

I would not choose to necessarily engage in an intimate relationship with, say, those with whom I do business. I engage in a political relationship, from a place of outcomes, not from a need to be right.

I’m looking to strategize the situation to the benefit of the “business at hand,” and am going towards a goal, not an intimate relationship.

So, in our business life, and especially with “bosses,” there is a need for a common political alliance, or at least an informal peace treaty, not intimacy per se.

For people on the path of self-understanding, one of the issues seems to be, “How do you do what, with whom.”

As we wind our way along this path, we might desire clear and open, intimate communication all the time, and many initially want to have “deep” relationships with everyone.  I’ve been saying for years that this is not possible.

In my personal life there have to be limits — in my business life — perhaps there is another set of parameters altogether.

Business — political

Politics — It’s about the leap

I joke that I am not required to be in intimate conversation with the grocery clerk. In other words, what I am feeling or what I am interpreting is not relevant when all I want to do is pay for groceries. I often choose to be engaging, attempt to listen clearly and respond elegantly to the clerk. I remind myself not to deal with this person “in their role,” but rather as a human being engaged in a role.

The same applies to my work life. I am in intimate dialogue with those who choose to work with me — however, this differs from an intimate relationship. In dialogue, I am demonstrating how elegant and deep communication works. In Bodywork, I am helping to remove physical and emotional blocks. The relationship is built upon the bedrock of the political — there is an agenda — a goal — our eyes are on the destination, as opposed to simply enjoying the walk.

Thus, the relationship is not reciprocal nor “equal” — the person I am working with, by virtue of the contract we have, is there to learn. That implies I have something to teach, or in the case of Bodywork, a skill I am paid to employ.

This means that the relationship, despite the intimate dialogue — we talk about ourselves, and share feelings and insights quite deeply — despite this, the relationship is “power / politically” based. Within this milieu, I work from a place of “knowing.” I, when all is working well, become the “good parent.”

Same thing happens when I do business consulting. I may be teaching good communication, I may be demonstrating ways of dealing with crisis and the attendant emotions, but I doing this from the position of a teacher. In that role, I am working, I trust, benevolently within a power-based relationship.

In these examples, it is my goal to establish a framework for the other person’s self-knowoing — I am teaching empowerment as they gain the power and strength to make better choices.

Intimate Relationships — Personal

Personal — intimate dialogue

I am equally “clean” in my intimate relationships. An intimate relationship requires, as its main elements — presence, the willingness to “stay put,” total honesty, and intense curiosity.

This means that I don’t and can’t know anything for sure. My goal is to communicate what my present understanding of my own process is. Yet, I occasionally notice my tendency to “problem solve and advice give” (the realm of politics) within my intimate relationships. My task is to discipline myself to listen and respond without becoming political.

This is primarily a “location” issue

No one, in a work situation, ought to be trying to “get to know me.” At work, our goal is to systematically and clearly engage in activities that benefit the bottom line.

I know for a fact that companies that encourage the use of a communication model that allows for free expression and which limits personal criticism has a better chance at achieving their goals. But when I “go in” to a company, my goal is not to develop intimacy. My goal is to resolve sticking points. I will do whatever is necessary to achieve that goal, without compromising my integrity. I will use The Art of War metaphorically and engage in the battle to achieve a positive outcome. If participants take what they learn into their own intimate circles, terrific!

In my personal, intimate relationships, I will engage fully. If I am scaring myself, I will move forward into the fear. If I am reluctant to be open, either physically or emotionally, I will open further. If I fear the consequences of honesty, I will be honest. If I think I know anything at all about my partner, I will give myself a shake. I will express my needs openly and clearly.

And I will work diligently at not confusing the political and the personal. I need to know, at all times, where I am located.

It’s not that one or the other — political or personal — is better. It’s that one or the other is more appropriate, situationally. I’ll close with a quote from Ben & Jock:

“The objectified self serves the Self very well; it is worthy of being honoured rather than reviled. It is only when people wish to create an intimate relationship that they will find themselves wanting… Hopefully, people will be able to choose the appropriate modus operandi in each situation. Again, to repeat, nothing is ever right or wrong; some behaviour is ineffective, or inappropriate to getting what you want or where you wish to go.”

The Relationship Garden, page 47

Do You Know the Difference Between Political and Personal is a post from: The Phoenix Centre’s Blog. If you’re reading this article anywhere else on the web, let me know!

Incoming search terms:

• difference between \personal\ and \political\
• whats the difference between personal and political

 

Related posts:

1. Personal Self Responsibility
2. The Point

---

The Costa Rica Update

Following the Booba

Lots of rain, rain, rain. Good thing there’s stuff to do indoors, not all of which involve computers.

---

So, after 8 days of rain and storm level winds, the skies brightened, and Darbella and I headed off for a hike. We managed a hike pretty much every day for the first month and a bit, and then… well, hiking in a gale is not much fun.

We got to the bottom of the hill our casita is on, and turned right. This leads out of “town” and to a new subdivision being built 4.5 km. away. Let me tell ya, it’s up a hill and down a hill, and the road is rocks and soil and pot holes. And Lake Arenal is right there, to stare at. On a clear day (I hear singing!) you can see Volcan Arenal in the distance.

Walking along, talking, thinking. Dar and I have been hiking / backpacking / walking / travelling together for just shy of 30 years. We’ve learned a thing or two.

I got to thinking, a lot of what we know about hiking is helpful for living the Zen life in general.

Don’t Cheap Out

Pretty good equipment,
even in 1983

We both have great boots, collapsible walking sticks, good packs of different sizes, and Dar’s smaller pack has a built-in hydration bladder. We certainly don’t go running off after fads, or buy the most expensive stuff. We got our latest packs half off.

But it’s false economy to buy cheap stuff, and even dumber to put off the essentials.

Life costs.

I’ve had 2 or 3 clients in my 30 year career that wanted to be therapists, and who also thought earning a Masters degree was too costly, would take too long, etc. They wanted me to persuade “someone” to just give them the degree because they wanted one.

On the other hand, a good friend decided she wants to be a dentist. She had to do some High School, then a BA, then a Masters. She’ll complete her degree after she turns 50! That’s investing in the good stuff.

You gotta be willing to put the time and effort into your self-knowing — do the therapy, do the Bodywork, learn how you get in your own way, and learn how to cut it out. This takes time and effort.

Praying about it, expecting divine intervention, (no, the angels aren’t coming) wishing and hoping — all lead to being stuck on the trail with a broken pack and the soles coming off your boots.

Plan, but don’t go nuts

Dar is an inveterate map reader. I like them too, and also know that I depend a bit on Dar’s nature to know where we are and where we are heading. On the other hand, the second time we were in the Boston area, I navigated from the other side of Fenway Park to Faneuil Hall on memory.

We tend to have the basics covered, and then we head off, trusting our guts, and winging it. Today, we knew that the 1/2 point was a new subdivision 4.5 km from our casita. We’d walked half way there another day and got rained out. On the other hand, the ups and downs were new to us, as was the turn around.

Life requires direction, without being anal about it.

Some folk simply talk a good show, and have tons of plans and diagrams to show what they are going to accomplish one day. And all that happens is that the plans get more and more refined — and nothing materializes in the real world..

Others go off half cocked, chasing the latest buzz, craze, or lust object. No thought, no point, other than, “Well, it’s got to be better than here!”

Planning and “good boots” go hand in hand. You then can take a step and evaluate. But it’s all about moving from map, to plan, to action. Thoughtful action!

Pick, then commit

The only hike Dar and I have been on that we didn’t complete was up Gros Morne Mountain in Newfoundland. We’d screwed up a day hike the day before (we actually trusted a Newfoundland Map and then saw the small type, “Not to scale.”) I was tired, and Dar was not interested in digesting her blueberry pancakes. We gave up, in 90 degree heat, about 3/4 of the way up.

Other than that, when we pick a hike, we also finish the hike. Even if we (like today) are dragging our aging bodies up the last hill.

Life requires mindful dedication

The media has a couple of generations convinced that life and goals “should be” easy — that stuff is served up on platters — that they don’t even have to leave home until everything is perfect. Some of my clients say, “But what if I pick wrong?”

It took me decades to get to what I really wanted to do, despite a diversion or two down a scary or dumb road. Been there, done that. I learned that, mostly, we can correct our course along the way, but we have to be on a course to correct it.

Life needs people willing to live their vocation, despite the cost in time, effort, dedication. There will be times when the going is almost impossible, and giving up seems the best option. And yes, sometimes giving up makes sense. But in general, the rule ought to be, “Give up when another step is impossible,” not when you get irritated that actual effort is involved.

Watch Where you Put Your Feet

In my younger days, a combination of karate and backpacking has led to my spraining both of my ankles a few times (separately, of course.) My ankles are quite weak, or more descriptively, the ligaments are stretched. I can turn my ankle on a pebble. And my hiking boots can only do so much. Actually, the collapsible walking stick I now use has saved my bacon dozens of times since I bought it.

What this means is that, if I want to finish a hike, I have to be constantly alert to where I place my feet.

Life requires paying attention

There are pitfalls, snakes in the grass, and obstacles everywhere. Really, no one has you in mind, but you.

Well, Clifton does, but he wants money. (Inside joke. Dar and I were leaving the Straw Market in Montego Bay, Jamaica, looking for a bank. Clifton offered to take us to a bank. All the way along, it was, “Watch out for that crack, mon! Careful, mon, the road is uneven. Move yer hips, mon…”)

Mostly, there is no Clifton, and mostly, the rocks and ruts on the path are pretty obvious. If we’re “head in the clouds,” we miss the cow poop at our feet. It’s not someone else’s job to pay attention for you.

Look Around

On the other hand, Lake Arenal and the volcano are lovely, there are squirrels and sloths and bugs, and critters all around. The view on today’s path was lovely, and staring at the ground means you miss the good stuff.

Life is a one shot deal

Take the time to see what’s happening. Go adventuring, take the trip, change dance partners, look around, sniff the air. Being so focused on your feet means you miss the drama, the big picture, the stuff that life is made of.

Stop. Stand still. Shut up. Stop prattling on like you know something, and just see what’s right there. Soak it in. Immerse yourself in the beauty and drama of the only life you’ll ever have. Embrace it all, and move with deliberation. It’s so Zen to be present and simply notice.

Count the Consequences

Actually it could be a grimace

Every hike has it’s toll. We crashed when we got back home, and my hips hurt. Tomorrow, there will be more aches and pains.

Part of it is getting older, but I remember our very first backpack trip. Dar screwed up a toe, and we also walked 25 km under heavy packs. Day 2, we crawled out from our tent, only to confront two growling migraines. We spent the day whining, and Dar immersed herself in the frigid waters of Georgian Bay — she was skinny dipping, so I sat on a rock and watched.

Life is the one thing you don’t get out of alive

This game has only one outcome - death. Not another run at it, not thrones or virgins. Dead. So, now are you motivated to make yours count?

And here’s another flash - it could all end right now. This, “I’ve got all the time in the world” nonsense is what keeps you from living your dream. If you think you’ll get to it in a year or so, get over yourself.

It’s not morbid to live your life with a bit of anxious excitement, it’s reality. The walk is right in front of you, you’re bringing all you have ailing, and now is all you know is available to you. The consequence of life is death, yes, but between now and then is a road surrounded by adventure and richness.

Pick up your hiking stick, and walk.

What a 10 Kilometer Hike Can Teach Us about Life is a post from: The Phoenix Centre’s Blog. If you’re reading this article anywhere else on the web, let me know!

Incoming search terms:

• a hike is just like life
• hike for life focus
• what does hiking teach you about life

 

Related posts:

1. Self Responsibility as a Life Focus
2. It’s Your Life
3. 10 Zen Principles to Help You Live Life Better

---

The Costa Rica Update

The cascada near our property

We’re back home after a week of driving about. Our Casita in Tronadora looks good! Our property is still there, and we have a lovely time hiking, hanging out, and even the driving was fun.

---

The Theft of Values

Dar and I just finished up a week long road trip down to our property in the South, Pacific side of Costa Rica. We stopped for the night in Playa Hermosa (Sister Beach) and I parked, and the sign above was right in front of me. Now, my Spanish sucks, and I really am not mocking the poor soul who wrote it.

Just FYI, valor = value, and objectos de valor = objects of value, i.e. valuables.

After laughing a bit about the theft of values, I thought about it. What might such a thing mean, and can our values be stolen?

One of the reasons Darbella and I are here in Costa Rica is to figure out “what’s next” for us. I admit that I’ve had a few days of being quite sad exploring that question. It’s what I want to write about today — what I value, versus what I perceive to be of value (to others.)

Measures of Value

Getting my Tantra on

So, what do you value? Are your values “yours,” or are you living your life trying to make your stuff fit in?

A few weeks ago, I read a comment somewhere, the gist of which was that the writer was asking about Christian Tantra. My head just about exploded, and then I reined myself in from getting snarky. But really… why would Tantra “need” to be filtered through a Christian matrix — or better, does this mean there ought to be a Buddhist or Tantric Communion? What’s good for the goose…

I see this a lot. What will people think? How does what I think and what I do fit in with the socially acceptable, family acceptable view of value?

Or is this simply a cop-out to avoid taking a stand for what one values?

I get caught in this when I get bent out of shape over my book sales, or start to notice when people unsubscribe from this blog. I start to think that I’m writing for others, instead of to meet the pressing need of my sense of myself. When I look outside of myself for who I ought to be, or what I ought to be doing, I find myself quickly in a pickle.

I want to press the question, “What is your core value?” Yes, singular. Why are you here, and what are you accomplishing?

If the action fits the agenda, so to speak, I think you’re on the right track. If there is integrity between value and action, and if the value has a “First, do no harm” motif, I suspect the actions performed will be of benefit.

We’re not talking beliefs here

This is not about finding a belief system. It’s not about labelling things, spending effort on categorizing, etc. It’s about, actually, letting the beliefs slide in favour of being present. Here’s a test: if you believe that others should agree with you — in a sense, condone your life and beliefs, you are caught — because beliefs, by nature, are imaginary constructs. Focusing on the views (or “permissions”) of others is simply a way to stay stuck.

So, what might this look like?

For me, my “prime directive,” core value is “be present for your life.” I’ve certainly experienced tons of times when I lost sight of this, and started playing games or playing roles, and the next thing I knew, I was getting a “cosmic wake up call” in the form of some huge drama. Two failed marriages by the age of 32, getting hoofed out of the church (My favourite part of that one? One person said, “Thank god we got rid of him before he did something wrong.”)

I’m about to breathe — is that OK with you?

When I am present, I am “simply curious.” I can view what is happening as a window into me and my process. My (very human) tendency, of course, is to look away from me to others, as in “Why are they doing this to me?”

The key is to remember — to bring my focus to the real question, “What is going on for me right now — how am I choosing this response to this situation, and how can I accept it, act it out, and let it go?”

Beyond the prime directive

Yes, there are levels to this. As I wrote, I believe that self-awareness is the core value. But what about other people?

The way I choose to be with others must dove-tail with the core value, but can never supersede it. So, for example, in the case of me and Darbella, our core relational value is “total honesty.”

Not “You do and be who I want you to be, so I can be both happy and lazy,” not “It’s your job to look after me and make me endlessly happy.”

It’s “Let me know what’s up for you. If I choose to have an emotional reaction to what’s up, I’ll work it through, and keep you posted.”

Because the honesty value is secondary to self-awareness. I am in the relationship to learn about me, not to control Dar (fat chance… )

Values can’t be stolen

If we are not careful, our bullshit comes with us…

But they can be given away or abandoned. I haven’t had a full-blown depression since the late 90’s, but I can remember how, in the depths of the darkness of that experience, I began to disappear into blame, anger, and despair. I could only do this by abandoning my core value by making the world and the people around me the bad guys.

I re-found myself through ceaseless reminders that I was responsible for all of it — for the stories, the fantasies, and blame, and the moment-by-moment choices I was making to maintain the depression. I found the core value, and it became my life vest.

I can still do a number on myself, and it is this, “No one loves / appreciates me, no one cares about me, etc.” It happens regularly, on a small scale — as I work to think through what I want to do next, for example. I have gray cloud moments when I want assurances that “Everything will work out.” And then I see that my eyes are firmly fixed on the thing I cannot control — what others are going to do.

Values can be given away

In a sense, this is what I deal with most. Helping people to see that, every time they think that a change of job, change of location, change of marital status, etc. is going to “make it all better,” they are deluding themselves. Or conversely, every time they blame others or their situation for being stuck, they are deluding themselves. Or, when they talk about all they are going to do someday, they are deluding themselves.

They are giving their selves away, auctioning themselves to the highest bidder. Selling their souls to the game of “if only.”

This is it, and the time of “it” is now. All there is, ever, is the living of this moment — not analyzing, “belief-ing,” or judging, but en-acting this moment, in perfect harmony with your core value. No one can do this for you, no one can give you a value, any more than someone can take one away.

You can refuse to own yours, sell it in the market-place, or you can stop the games and just get to the doing. Because in the end, messing around, refusing to live your value, is the most perfect way in the world to waste the only real thing you have — your precious, precious life.

Theft of Values is a post from: The Phoenix Centre’s Blog. If you’re reading this article anywhere else on the web, let me know!

Incoming search terms:

• difference between core value and secondary value
• phoenix centeremotional intimacy
• real estate values in costa rica
• values and prime directive

 

No related posts.