Untwisting through erotic work — Bodywork to release blocked orgone energy — a chargy topic!

Marty Klein is one of my favourite sex therapists. I read his blog, and just downloaded the Kindle version of his book, Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex–and How to Get It.

Here, he describes "Normal":

"Normal" is an attempt to establish boundaries around sex so it can’t escape, acquire too much power, or hurt others. "Normal" is an attempt to make sex small enough that it doesn’t threaten us or even require us to grow. "Normal" is a recognition that eroticism resides in the unconscious, an untidy little junkyard if ever there was one."

Over the last two weeks, I’ve been describing a state I’ve dubbed "twisted." Tight. Locked. Held in.

I focus on the pelvis, as I said last week, because of my own wonky lower back. I was amazed, on Playa Samara, to see lots of teenagers and 20-somethings with the same out-of-alignment lower backs.

These three images are taken from movies. (I created a movie of the woman in the centre, and put it on the Bodywork section of our site. It’s about half way down the page.)
The images show: 1) me, tilted right at the pelvis, 2) a woman tilted high left at the shoulders, high right at the pelvis (her ribcage is compressed on the right, and 3) a woman with a level pelvis. Please note! The hips of all three people stay the way you see them as they walk!!!

I’ve told this story before, but one friend, who comes in irregularly for Bodywork, has some real "family of origin" issues. For 15 years, her pelvis /low back has been getting tighter and tighter, limiting her movements and activities. Lately, I’ve been getting her to rock her pelvis a bit, both during and after Bodywork.

When she does, her whole body relaxes, and she gets flushed. Her breathing deepens. The rocking becomes quite sensual. Then, she slams on the brakes, by talking about something someone in her family of origin did, or she’ll mention her husband. Stops her cold, and her lower back immediately slides out of alignment.

In Bodywork, we think of this as the persistence of body armour

(c) Wilhelm Reich Infant Trust

Bodywork had its start with Wilhelm Reich, a 20th century student of Freud. He identified what he called body armour / character armour — physical blockages to the free flow of energy.

He worked with his clients using bodywork and breathwork, as well as through talk therapy, as he realized that talking alone wasn’t cutting it as far as healing went.

He realized that trauma of any sort that was not resolved (through the release of the blocked energy) ended up "stuck" in the body

This is armouring – the actual tightening down of muscles, and other structures in the body – so that the trauma is "held in place." The longer it’s held, the tighter and more blocked the person is.

Reich equated limited lives to restricted energy, which of course also sounds like Chinese medicine. He dubbed the energy "orgone energy," as in orgasm energy. His idea, which seems way ahead of its time (the 30s, if memory serves,) can be stated this way: "If people learn to have full body orgasms, they’d never need psychotherapy."

Reich was not speaking metaphorically.

Here’s a quote from the Wilhelm Reich Infant Trust site:

Reich’s orgasm theory set him apart from his colleagues, because it indicated that the libido was a real physical energy that possibly might be measured quantitatively. Reich’s clinical work also led him to develop new therapeutic techniques to eliminate the patient’s character and muscular armor and allow for the flow and discharge of this bio-energy to achieve what he called "orgastic potency," the capacity for total discharge of sexual excitation in the genital embrace.

In the east, the full release of qi or chi or prana is described similarly.

The fire of this energy release powers through obstructions, and brings about balance and healing… this understanding stretches back to 2500bc and earlier.

Western culture, in general, doesn’t know what to make of, or do with, orgone energy

Our schizophrenic attitude toward matters sexual is readily apparent. Sex is everywhere – on tv, in ads, movies, etc. Provocative clothing is everywhere — and yet many people who wear revealing clothes seem to spend most of their time pulling on them to cover up.

Have a look at the black and white photo. I found it on the Ryhthm Before Unknown site, which reprints old photos. This 1926 ad seems to be for gas. Because, of course, all women suck hoses… Sex sells, so long was we wink and pretend not to notice.

Most people claim to be comfortable about sex, and yet have trouble talking about it or getting what they want.

From the back cover of Marty Klein’s Sexual Intelligence:

In his three decades of working with couples and individuals as a sex therapist and marriage counselor, Dr. Marty Klein has continually seen that although most people say what they want from sex is pleasure and closeness, that’s not what they focus on during sex. Instead, we’re preoccupied with how we look, what our partner is thinking, how we’re performing, and whether we’re “normal.” We do more thinking, worrying, and judging than experiencing. Sex like that can’t thrill us, can’t create intimacy, and can’t, well, feel sexy.
In Sexual Intelligence, Klein shows how to stop observing ourselves during sex, ending our obsession with sexual performance and sexual normality. “I don’t help people ‘function’ better during sex,” he says. “I teach people how to relax and enjoy sex with the body they have, the partner they have, in the situation they have.” Now that’s something we all want: fulfilling, exciting sex at every stage of our lives.

As a Bodyworker as well as a therapist, I’ve had to decide whether just talking about shifting perspective on the "orgone" side of the equation was enough, or whether to address this energy directly, using touch. I might say this: a freed body (the goal of Bodywork) is a chargy, alive, turned on body, so doing this work, and teaching breathwork and Qi manipulation, means the choice was obvious.

The first breakthrough for me was going to The Haven and learning Bodywork, this in 96. Another milestone happened in 98, doing Phase 3 at Haven. We had a discussion about "sacred intimates," people trained to use touch to help people learn to let go and open up through erotic work. Intrigued, I headed online.

I discovered a whole new world… and in 2000, Dar and I did a week long training event in Erotic Massage, through Body Electric

The week long event was amazing — there wasn’t any theoretical discussion — just technique piled on technique. But the gist of the training is that the genitals are just as easily "locked up" as any other part of the body. Giving oneself permission to touch and be touched is one way through the locking up.

As we listened to the stories of the other participants, we realized that men and women alike had unresolved issues. Some had experienced unwanted touch / contact. Many men had performance issues / anxiety. Many were sexually shy or awkward.

Over the days of massage, more and more was released, and more and more comfort replaced the isolation that most had felt. What was clear for me was that our contact produced incredible closeness, erotic charge (great, heaping quantities of orgone energy), intimacy, presence, and… that was it. The energy, just as Reich taught, led to passionate encounter, not to anything remotely sexual.

Interesting!

Fortunately, the field of "sexological Bodyworkers" is blossoming. And many Bodyworkers are learning how to add "orgone" work to their repertoire. While some of you may find the idea uncomfortable, others are likely wanting to know more.

Of course, exploring this territory isn’t like buying milk at the grocery store. Qualified people are still somewhat rare.

This work is done by professionals, and is also taught at workshops, for those interested to master the skills. In a sense, you have to know what you are looking for, in order to find practitioners. Often, like my initial "sacred intimate" conversation at The Haven, you learn by personal recommendation, or word of mouth.

I’d like to suggest that this work is essential.

This is as deep as it gets, person to person. This is sharing at a really deep level, and a letting go of deeply held, often scary material. It only works when the recipient knows, deeply knows, that the process is in one direction — it’s a process without attachment on the part of the "giver."

A word on emotions

Klein again:

Let’s view the body as a vehicle for attunement with a partner, and let’s enhance your body’s tolerance for pleasure and intensity. Let’s make sure your body is responding to what’s present during sex, rather than having semi-traumatized reactions to old aggravating or painful experiences.

The whole point of doing this work is to find blockages, externally, and internally, and to let them go. The more you are able to breathe into what comes up, the easier it becomes to express it and let it go.

Interestingly, the body really hates blocked material. So, "stuff that is stuffed" is going to emerge anyway. I’ve seen this in my work with clients, and have heard: "During sex, I find myself bursting into tears, and need to be held. My partner doesn’t understand."

I described this scenario in my latest book, The. Best. Relationship. Ever.

For many partners, having one’s partner burst into tears, sobbing, agony, whatever, in the middle of sex, is not easy. Men want to rush in and help, or think they’ve done something wrong. Women partners are not quite sure what to do, what to say, and might pull away emotionally.

The key is to recognize that the g-spot for women, and the p-spot for men (the prostate gland – the tissues of both are similar) do seem to hold trauma, and radiate their holding into the lower belly and lower back.

In the East, releasing this blocked energy has been a goal of Kundalini yoga, the Microcosmic orbit (see last week’s article,) and Tantra. In each case, the energy feels stuck or dormant or blocked. In each case, through breathwork, Bodywork, or sexual exercises, the energy is helped to move.

It’s worth noting that the East has long identified a Northern and Southern pole for women’s sexual centres, which coincide with the clitoris and g-spot. Releasing and combining the energies of both is vital for sexual health, and for health in general.

I’m not going to tell you how to do this work – there are a million resources on line for that. If you have questions, though, add them to the comments, and I’ll be glad to answer them.

Lastly, Tim Ferriss, in one of his books, mentioned the 15 minute orgasm – a technique more properly called OMing. It’s a way for couples ( of for women with a coach) to slowly lock in to the feelings of contact, without feeling pressured. It’s an experiment in contact, and dialogue.

There’s a great video describing the process, right here, as well as resources for learning how to OM.

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Untwisting our bodies first of all starts with untwisting our minds long enough to hear what our bodies have to say

I said last week I’d carry on talking about being “twisted.” Today, my buddy Lindsay (hey Lindsay!) Facebook-ed a link to an article about “listening to what your body tells you.”

I replied, sounds like Bodywork!

In the article, the massage therapist was holding the sacrum of the author, who then started to “see” what was going on in her body. She’d been in an auto accident, and was compensating. Her body was “twisted,” but thing thing is, after compensating for whatever, you stop noticing the compensation. Twisted becomes normal.

Our compensations become our reality

The Sacrum is all about passion for life, and how we relate. Many are twisted here!

In Bodywork, we go in deep, and places that are twisted are invited to let go. What I’ve discovered in my 30 plus years of doing this work, is that letting go for some clients, is scary.

The thing is, most blocks actually are not caused by physical injuries.

They’re caused by unresolved trauma. That trauma can relate to upbringing, sexual or physical issues / events, and decidedly by how we view ourselves.

This week, I want to talk about how to discover what’s going on for you, and to share a video Darbella just cooked up.

Next week, more on releasing, through direct work on specific locations, like the G and P spots.

A few years ago, I started leaning to the right at my pelvis, caused by a wonky SI joint. I’ve done Bodywork and physio for it, and am almost straight again.

This is the same twist last week’s article was all about.

Today, in the middle of writing, my entire lower back tightened. Dar worked on my sacral area, which it the location for passion for life, and for how we relate (to people, places, things.)

If you’ve been reading me for long, you know one of my issues is a combo.

• The a) part is that I have a burning desire to be “of use.”
• The b) part, which is contradictory, is that I also think that people don’t like me for me… they like me for what I do. This can quickly become resentment and sadness.

Both of these are sacral, 2nd chakra issues.

No coincidence, then, that this area of my body is giving me trouble.

I hurt, especially if I sit too long. Writing this article was painful. I needed to go and stretch out in bed to get the kink to let go.

Dar got me to stand up, and then led me through this Qi Gong exercise:

if you can’t see the video, click here to watch

Give it a try!

Dancing with moxa

My intent, as I work on me, or on clients, is to go where the pain or resistance or blockage is, and to help the places to release. With some clients, I use Red Flower Chinese medicine, with others, moxa. I apply pressure. With myself, same thing, courtesy of Darbella.

I do not need to come to any conclusions about why I do what I do to myself. I already, in fact, have a pretty good story invented about “why.” I just need to straighten out my twists, breathe into them, and then let go of any emotion that comes up.

I think I mentioned this a few weeks back, but a recent client is blocked lots of places, and really set herself off around her chest. Told me, “I’m not used to letting people in (see the metaphor for my thumbs?) and I want to run away.” Too close, to open, too intimate.

She did stick with it a little longer, however, and that is the only way through.

Clients do find excuses for not working things through — that’s how they got “twisted” in the first place. Many can even tell me exactly where there are caught, and how. They recognize that releasing might be messy, or noisy, or angry, or sexually charged, and they step back.

The client I mentioned last week is using her desire for pain to mask her need to actually let go of a lifetime of stories. That letting go is going to have something to do with root chakra material, and 2nd chakra release (erotic work… more next week.)

In the mean time, do a body inventory.

The major energy storehouse

The Taoists came up with the microcosmic orbit. Focus on your Lower Dan Tian, 2 inches below your navel and 2 inches in. Use your fingers to massage and probe this area. See what thoughts come up. Imagine energy pooled there.

Now, imagine the energy moving down, to your genitals.

Move your hands lower, and work around your pubic bone, at the creases between your belly and legs, and on your genitals. Work on staying present and seeing what stories come up, as opposed to checking out and / or heading into orgasm-ville.

Now, move the energy down to your root chakra.

Again, use your fingers to explore your perineum. Press inward, and feel for the energy / stories stored there.

Now, drop your hands to your sides, and hold the region from your lower belly down to your root chakra in your mind. Keep breathing, and move your pelvis a bit, rocking it. See what images and stories come up for you.

You’ll likely discover tightness, energy, stories, fears, traumas, and lots of other stuff.

When it feels right to you, get up and write some of it down.

Next week, how erotic massage can help

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Samsara and the Heart of Compassion — being alive means confronting the whole of life, preferably from a place of compassion

So, even when travelling I’m doing counselling. On skype (and when that’s down, on google.) I’ve been having some interesting discussions around addiction.

Not what you think

I usually just say what comes to mind as I talk, as opposed to having some strategy. One client, a while back was talking about how often she slid into huge dramas. I said, "You’re addicted to drama, like an alcoholic is to drinking." Given her family history, that hit home.

Yesterday, we talked about addiction to pain

This one forked into two directions, emotional pain as an addiction, and to BDSM

No, really. This is my life.

The lure of the dramatic

The point I was making is that we are drawn… pulled… in directions we say we do not want to walk, and yet, there we are. We blame externals — other people, situations, etc. But take a look.

The people and things you wind yourself up over seem to have little or no effect on others. Or conversely, the things others wind themselves up over seem silly to you.

If you are wise, you immediately realize that externals are not causal. In other words, this "situation" does not have a single result. It has one result per "inter-actor."

Biologically, we are drawn principally to either flight or fight.

In other words, as we experience situations, we are pulled, chemically, to run toward, or run away. Secondarily, and also matching, are pleasure sensors / chemicals. So, we are pulled toward what turns us on. All of this tends to work OK, and it keeps us from being eaten by tigers.

As I wrote in the article about Boston, we see this chemical response in action, as most civilians moved away, and some ran toward the explosions.

The unique reaction is that of the professionals — soldiers, firefighters, cops, etc. You can see some of them flinching and moving perhaps one step away. And then you see the magic.

They stop, they breathe, and they turn towards, and move into danger.

Mind, overcoming chemistry.

Thus, my line about, for example, drama. Drama is always the result of thinking that I have the right to impose my will on others. Chemically, I become addicted to my self-righteousness. I puff out my chest, and demand that others behave as I want them to.

Here’s the odd part: it doesn’t matter what others do!

I’m addicted to the rush of the chemical feeling that comes from thinking I am a superior being. As a matter of fact, the worst thing in the world would be for everyone to instantly agree with me, and do as I said.

Drama making is not about changing others or the situation. It’s about creating internal charge. The more addicted you are, the more you do it. Just like an addict.

"Drama people" will tell you they are working on it, but mostly follow that with excuses for why, this time, they need another dose. Just like druggies.

And it is the same for any repeated behaviour that you recognize is harmful. Just like NA is the same as AA, except for the thing that is the addiction.

A word about pain addictions

My client is starting to make the connection about the rush she feels when something goes wrong. Mostly, relationships. There is something big and dramatic about being dumped, for example, or being in a dysfunctional relationship for months beyond its "best before" date.

Pain, beautiful pain

I told her the story about how my mom had a burning passion to be the sickest person in the room. She leaned this by being actually sick, and getting tons of attention. Until she died, she spoke of her illnesses in superlatives, and always with a slight smile.

I talked with my client about pain, "feeling hard-done-by," staying in bad relationships, as "Sort of like a pain orgasm."

And thus, the slide over to BDSM, as an alternative.

My point here, which I’ll expand on next time, is that our conditioning takes what we have experienced, and hard wires it in. It’s why habits are hard to break. And it’s not just wiring. It’s the pleasure chemicals that trigger… it feels good to be bad.

We encourage self-exploration and self-expression, plus a change of behaviour.

In Bodywork, we look for sounds to come out. Anger and sadness to come out. To be safely enacted. Then, we look for sensuality and sexuality to find expression. All within the confines of a safe and soft environment.

Let it go, then ask for what you DO want

Clients say, "It feels so good to just let go! To feel, to express, to ask for what my body needs, and to know you will stay right there and help."

My client realizes, now, how she creates dysfunctional relationships in order to feel the sexual charge of pain. Her insight is that she could also create the same sense of pain / charge in other ways.

Weird, right?

I don’t think so. I think each of us needs to explore what we are setting up to get our needs met, and to figure out ways to deal with what we need, without creating drama, using manipulation. We could just cut to the chase and ask for what we actually want.

Look again at the top photo, of the adult and kid. Both are sitting comfortably. The kid’s spine is straight. The woman is twisted and non-level. I see that a lot. It’s about blocked passion. On the beaches of Costa Rica, most people, clearly, are "twisted."

In coming articles, I’ll write a bit about how to learn to let go of the need to play games, and how to find people to work this through with.

First hint: it involves asking!

The post Drama and Being Twisted appeared first on The Pathless Path.

This had sufficiently "scared" both of them that they separated (OK, that part was court ordered, but both agreed) and both entered therapy individually. We worked in this configuration for a while, then shifted, about three months ago, to couple therapy.

There has been nothing "easy" or "automatic" about the therapeutic process.

The crap from years of neglect has accumulated. Initially, they thought they’d have to shovel through all the old stuff before they could ever get to the "new stuff."

One of the toughest "sells," both in therapy and in life, is this: there is no need, nor is there any way, to resolve the issues of the past.

There is not a hope in hell that water, once under the bridge, can be pushed back upstream and filtered until clean. There is letting it go, or letting it own you.

Letting go of the past is neither a pleasant, nor an easy choice.

This couple, in "old talk mode," can loop back 10 years in 30 seconds. They’ll be discussing something that is currently happening, and poof, back they go, in stages, almost year by year, reminding their partner of past sins. It’s sort of "cute," as they are polite enough to take turns.

I cut them off mid-sentence, and ask them to return to the present moment.

I ask each of them to reflect on their own "stuff." I ask them to listen to their partner – truly listen – as opposed to deflecting or correcting what the partner is saying. In other words, part of growing up is being able to listen to and absorb the validity (to the other person) of what is being said, while not "taking it personally."

I’ve encouraged each of them to pick a current topic and to "just talk about it." I’ve then helped the partner to ask questions designed to request the sharing of more information and more feeling. When they slide off topic, I raise my hand and ask them to go back to the topic at hand.

Initially frustrating, this discipline is essential. What they are trying to learn here is self-validation.

Often, relationships are used (or perhaps better, the people we are in relationship with are used) to validate us. Even picking a fight with someone is a way insecure people validate themselves. The incomplete person is saying, "At least, when you fight with me, I know you care, and are still there for me (to use.)"

Another example: incomplete people often possess inflated views of themselves. They say, "See! Look how together I am! (sly look) Don’t you think? (Please validate me.)"

As David Schnarch puts it, in Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships:

Arguing can be a way of checking that the other person is still there… When we have little differentiation, our identity is constructed out of what’s called a reflected sense of self. We need continued contact, validation and consensus (or disagreement) from others… We develop a contingent identity based on a "self-in-relationship." Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn’t change so that our identity won’t either. pg. 59

Note: differentiation is a big word with a simple meaning. Poorly differentiated people have weak ego boundaries, and look outside of themselves for identity, validation (approval) and causation (blaming.) Well differentiated people are internally located — they accept responsibility for their lives, their actions, and for their side of all relationships. In Zen, we might say, "being present without ego attachment."

In dysfunctional relationships, there is this weird thing going on. Both parties are saying, simultaneously, "Here is the way I am. You’ll just have to accept me this way." At the same time, they add, "And here are all the things about you that need changing. You’ll change, if you love me." All of this is happening for two reasons.

First, the person doesn’t want to have to do the hard work of growing up. They therefore think that the loving action is for their partner to accept them as they are.

Second, the person expects that their partner will do the hard work of changing, again to demonstrate their "love."

I find it hard to believe that anyone ever gets away with this crap, but it’s painfully common.

Any time I hear a demand (or a manipulation) for external validation, then, I know the person is a fearful infant focussed on staying the same.

The way out, or one way out, is through the process of self-reflective self-revelation.

Maybe if I hide, they won’t see me

In the case of my couple, he (for example) takes the opportunity to express or vent what he is feeling and thinking about a current situation. His situation impacts on her from the perspective of their shared life.

In the past, she’d hear what he was saying and think she had to defend herself. She’d be jumping in, disagreeing, correcting, or picking a fight to get him to stop. With discipline, she is learning to ask him to continue, to dig deep, to tell more of what he knows.

What happens is, without the challenges and provocations, he tells his story as he chooses to, and notices some tears, a lot of sadness, and a feeling of release – doneness.

On "her side of the couch," her job is to self-soothe and self-validate.

She reminds herself that she is not who he thinks she is, and that her "self" will not disappear if he is not focussing on it. His stories are his stories, and as such have nothing to do with her. Her discipline, her "being an adult" is expressed in her willingness to do nothing that will bring the attention off of his story, and back to herself.

When he finishes, it’s her turn to unpack her feelings and thoughts, in the moment.

It is emphatically not the time to be clever, to quote a book she just read, or demand that he somehow validate her. She, in other words, does what he just did. She looks deeply at herself. In that process, owns her own "stuff" — the things she does to remain a child.

I remember working with a couple a few years ago – she’d been to Phase 1, he to a Come Alive. She also was working on a degree in counselling. (She never worked as a therapist. Upon graduating she discovered, to her horror, that she’d be required to "work all the time with people with problems." But I digress.) No matter what he did, she’d correct him.

We were in a workshop I was leading. They were practicing breathing. He was breathing, she was coaching. I wandered over. He was doing OK, for a baby breather. She was sobbing.

I asked her what she was troubling herself about. "He’s not doing it right! I tell him and tell him!" Later, as clients, this refrain would repeat. He’d go deep (for him) and reflect on his life. She’d take on the face of someone who was listening intently. He’d stop.

She’d immediately tell him what he did wrong, or she’d say, "You don’t understand how much you hurt me, saying that." He’d immediately move into trying to make her feel better. When she talked, she’d excoriate him – her entire miserable life was his fault, including the part before he showed up.

Because she saw herself as the great, wise therapist, she avoided any form of working on herself. They were well and truly enmeshed. Her job was to correct him for making her miserable, and he accepted the role willingly.

The way out is the one the couple above is choosing. It’s learning to become a self-responsible, self-regulating adult.

Learning to do this takes time, will, and effort. It requires a completely different focus and commitment. It requires tools — communication and intimacy tools, honesty and clarity tools, and a knowledge of how to open up and be vulnerable.

I’ll say more about this in coming weeks, but for now, if you’re ready to dig in, pick up a copy of my new book, The. Best. Relationship. Ever.

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