Seeing the Light
It takes both courage and persistence to change what does not and has never worked into something that does work. This is radically different from what I see a lot of. People expecting others to change so they can be happy, for example. Then they learn a few skills and find better ways to talk, but the message is the same: “I expect you to change, or the world to change. I have all my beliefs and affirmations in place, and here I sit, waiting.”
9 Ways to Screw Up a Relationship
Thinking that my internal reality is dictated by the behaviours or actions of others is silly and plainly untrue. My partner’s job is to look after herself, to ask for what she wants, and to let me know, with full honesty, how she is, and what she’s doing. She’s not reporting in, and not getting my permission. She’s letting me know because that’s our deal. And I do the same with her.
Clearing Relationship Gunk
What I am trying to ’sell’ here is the idea that all you can do is all you can do. It is never your job to point out what your partner is doing wrong (who do you think you are, their mommy or daddy?????) Figuring themselves out is your partner’s job. If your partner has no interest in this job, then you have to choose whether to stay. But, before you run away (again!) turn your attention to your own behaviour, and ask yourself this: “Is my current behaviour impeccable — is it designed to deepen my side of the relationship?”
When tempted to blame, propose self-responsible solutions
It is almost as if western culture has spawned several generations of ‘helpless victims’ seeking redress for crimes, real or imagined, committed against them. This victim mentality often rears its head when something goes wrong, and things often do go wrong—due another western concept–that of unlimited freedom.
Have your feelings. Act responsibly in spite of them.
Emotions arrive unbidden. Infants / children experience them without the filters later applied to them. Soon, the tribal ‘take’ on each emotional state is force fed to the child. “Big boys don’t cry.” “Sugar and spice and everything nice…” “What have you to be angry about?” or “I’ll give you something to be angry about.” “If you keep pouting your face will freeze that way.”
Now, you may think that this is unimportant, but I can guarantee that you have a whole list of internal and not-thought-through ‘rules’ about emotions.
The Myth of a Self
Consider: How often do you find yourself miserable, judging your life to be awful or meaningless, and what happens then? Do you not find yourself asking some form of this question: “Why is this happening to me? Why is my life like this?” Is it possible for you to explore the possibility that this is the wrong question? It is the wrong question because there is no “you” that has a life.
Zen Based, Present Living
