The Watcher - a free booklet from Wayne C. Allen

Introduction

This book is the result of a depression that lasted for approximately 5 hours. It was a topic of conversation between me and my therapist and friend, Gloria Taylor. I described the process I led myself through during the depressive period and Gloria replied, "There's your next book!" I agreed.

First, though, a disclaimer. I am not, for a moment, suggesting that you self-diagnose and self-treat depression. Indeed, as you explore learning more about yourself, your moods, emotions and self-talk, a professional counsellor or therapist is the best idea going. Part of the process of self exploration B the essential ingredient, in my view, is the presence of and interaction with an observer or witness who can help guide the process. This book is intended as a guideline and as an alternative approach to life and to the emotions. How you choose to use this information is solely your responsibility.

Having said that, let me tell you about my first and only major depression. It began in the late summer of 1978. I had just been let go from a job - one I disliked but which was paying my way, and I decided to take a few days off and do some photography. During college I'd been a commercial photographer, advertising mostly, and had a photo studio for a year or so when I first moved to Canada. I decided to go off to Algonquin Park in the near north of Ontario, backpack into the park and take a pile of pictures.

I went in May. There was, back then, snow in Algonquin in May. Being from somewhat sunnier climes, I hadn't anticipated that. I wasn't prepared, clothes wise, equipment wise or emotionally, for 5 days in the snow. I did it anyway. (As those of you who know me start laughing and say, "Of course he did!")

I froze my butt off, took lousy pictures and sat at my fire each night, chain smoking my pipe (1978, remember) quietly and thoroughly taking myself apart. I managed to do such a thorough job of self-hate that by the end of the 5 days, my spirit had fled and I was in the dumper. I got home, processed the rolls of film, confirmed my premonition that the pictures would suck, and promptly sat down in my green leather reclining chair, vowing to stay there until I died.

Each day I would leave my bed and go to my chair. I'd drink Pepsi, watch tv and stare out the window. My wife (ex-wife since the early 80's) would hand me food and I would eat. I survived somehow, but the days were endless, bleak and black.

I climbed out of the chair and the depression in September, when I started attending a seminary in Toronto. That experience led to my getting my Masters in Counselling in '83, and establishing The Phoenix Centre for Creative Living. Since 1978, I have had several episodes of depressive feelings, none lasting longer than a day or two, most measured in hours. I've never taken drugs for any of this, and I believe that my path out of this loop was in my personal exploration of my internal theatre. As time has passed, I have become more and more convinced that wisdom comes as we understand and have compassion for this inner realm.

Many clients come to me wishing to have me somehow take away their pain. They want to stop hurting, to stop hurting themselves, to be happy. They assume everyone else on the planet is happy, and that they are doing something wrong. They blame their parents, their partner, their kids - and most of all they blame themselves. They tell me how difficult, if not impossible, change is. They tell me that they have tried, really tried, to change. And they are definitely not pleased to hear me say that they cannot change. What they can do is to expand their repertoire.

Wait a minute! What do you mean I can't change! What a useless booklet!

Well, hang on a minute.

Keep reading. What I'm saying will become more and more clear as the pages go by. Who we are at our cores is hard wired in. My depressive nature, as well as my infamous temper, is a part of me. It used to be that I thought I simply got depressed (I even briefly jumped on the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) - you know, the winter blues - bandwagon.) And back before Gloria Taylor, my therapist, mentor and friend, got hold of me in 1982, I'd have told you there was absolutely nothing I could do to control my temper and my tongue.

What I learned was this - my temper and my moods are as much a part of me as my beautiful, deep blue eyes. ;-) What I do with my moods and my temper depends on the breadth of my belief system and my willingness to challenge my self-perception. And emphatically, all of this has to do with the amount of self discipline I am willing to engage in. Because, even at this stage of my development, even in the year 2000, with 22 years of practice, it is easier to get depressed than to have the self-discipline to follow the process of working through the depression. Or the anger. Or the self-doubts. Or the self-criticism. Or whatever game I choose to play out.

So, let's have a look at how all of this is set into motion, and look at alternatives. Relax and come along for the ride.