Real Relating

  1. Nothing to Cling To
  2. Clinging to People
  3. Unstuffing from Stuff
  4. The handy dandy 5 step plan to cure what ails you
  5. Real Relating
  6. No-Body Home
  7. Undoing Trauma’s Knots
  8. Non-Habitual Living and Being
  9. Healing the Mind — Body Split
  10. Ideological Foolishness
A New Series—On Clinging


Relationships 101 — Real Relating

A while back, I got into writing chakra articles, and got as far as composing 4 out of 7. The article on the second chakra mostly concerned using massage to release blocked energy, and is likely worth a read. I mention this because the second chakra is the “Relationships Chakra” and we’re talking about elegant, real relating. I want to explore how we cling to relationships, and how clinging, in general, is the cause of our distress.


Here’s the opening paragraph from the Bodywork section article:

The second Chakra is the relationships Chakra. It’s about relationships to anything – people, objects, even money. The energy here is a combination of “relating,” sensuality, sexuality and passion.

If the energy is blocked in this area, the language is usually, “I feel dead from the waist down.” There is a heaviness to the area, and pressing on the lower belly might be painful. The person with blocked energy here might have issues around the lower GI, or with the lower back or with the sexual organs. Blockages in this area also lead to loss of interest in sex.

Let’s unpack a bit.

First of all, a relationship is not a thing.


Couples often tell me, “I want to work on our relationship. I typically look around the room, then look confused, and finally say, “OK, I’ll work on it… but where is it? Can you bring it along the next time? Because at the moment, all I see are two individuals, who apparently have trouble relating.”

Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they don’t.

That doesn’t change my point. I have no permanent relationship with anything. All there ever is, is how I am acting, right now, toward the person, place or thing.

Relating, then, is an activity, not a state.

Clinging is never a physical, ‘real,’ forever thing. Oh, sure, you can grab hold of someone and call that clinging, but that’s still a momentary event.

Clinging is always to a belief.

Now, there are only three ‘times,’ and two of them are an illusion—past, present, future. The present (this endless moment) is real, and is the only place any of us have ever lived. Past and future are totally, completely imaginary.

Surely not! I have a past! An identity!

I did a workshop this past week, for injured workers. I’m pulling a resource together for this and Darbella and I are having as riot coming up with tools and methods to help. I mentioned to the workers that much of their suffering comes from clinging to their past—to “how they imagine they were, prior to injury,” and clinging to the future—to their imaginings of “how the pain will be unrelenting and get worse.” One woman walked out at that point, and told someone she hated me. Because I had the audacity to challenge her story—her misery.

Funny. I thought she was there to change her relationship to her injury and pain, not support it. But clinging to one’s story is a powerful drug.

Here’s how clinging works.


You have a picture in your mind of ‘how things should be.’ The ‘thing’ can be a person, place, or object. So, it might be, “Here is how my husband should be.” This picture in your head is quite real-seeming and fleshed out. You have spent decades creating this picture of how another should be, and you hold your picture to be both true and real.

It’s neither.

It’s no different than the imaginings of directors of Hollywood movies. Even the most realistic are inventions. As are documentaries, which always present the bias of the director/writer. As does this blog, which is totally and completely a reflection of my biases.

Nothing you remember of the past, and nothing you imagine of the future is true. It’s a movie.

Until you get this, you are well and truly stuck in your drama, and are thus condemned to cling.

Back to “the husband” in my illustration. How he is, is how he is, right now, and if I am with him, I get to relate to him, not to my imagined version. Now, we are predictable, to a certain extent, mostly because we’re boring, stuck, stifled people, but that’s beside the point. I may know what “he” has done in the past, but that, in and of itself, is no predictor.

What I do know is this: if I deal with him as I always have, the odds are the same thing is going to happen.

Now, if I am invested in my story of how he ought to be—“everyone knows how a husband ought to act!”— then I am no longer present with the person in front of me. He is compared to my imaginings, and comes up short. I then begin a campaign to get him to become who I imagine he ought to be.

Continued below

Spice Up Your Lovemaking
sex around the house

I’ve been reading and recommending Michael Webb’s e‑books for years. His newest is called “Sex All Around the House.” This book actually has some fantastic and exciting ideas you can use to spice up any lovemaking, no matter how fiery it already is. And best of all, because toys are so expensive, you’ll save lots of money (and lots of embarrassment) by using the items you already have around the house.

Read more here

This pattern applies to everything—to how I relate to money—“I should be able to spend more, more, more!” To my sex life—“How much, how varied, with whom, etc.” To my job or career—“I should be getting more, and everyone at work should cut me slack.” 

In other words, there is the ‘thing’ out there, which I can choose, in the moment, to relate to, and there is the story about the ‘thing’ I have in my head.

Always, there is a story, and a reality.

holding head

If I choose to cling to my story, pretending what’s in my head is real, I will suffer.

If I choose to relate, in the moment, to the person, place, or object I am relating to, there may be difficulties, but I will not suffer.

I will not suffer because I am not expecting anything other than ‘what is.’

Is it possible to live this way?

Yes, it is.

The key is understanding the movie in your head. You have to completely ‘get’ the concept that your stories are not real, are not predictive, and are not very valuable.

Now, the stories will be there until you die. We are meaning-making creatures, and our meaning-making comes via the films in our heads. Buried in all the sequences are labels, descriptions, warnings. Our safety depends on knowing not to step in front of the onrushing bus.

Beyond that, stories are just stories.

Reality is in the moment, and only involves the present choice. Do I listen or shut down? Do I express curiosity, or deliver criticism? Do I stay put or run away? Do I try to keep things “just as they are,” or do I know, deeply, that this is impossible?

This week, as you interact with the things with which you relate, notice how the movies start running. Have a breath, and drag your attention back to the moment. Let the stories, the demands, the expectations, fade, and just be present, with curiosity. You may be surprised at how much more interesting the moment becomes. 

About the Author: Wayne C. Allen is the web\‘s Simple Zen Guy. Wayne was a Private Practice Counsellor in Ontario until June of 2013. Wayne is the author of five books, the latest being The. Best. Relationship. Ever. See: –The Phoenix Centre Press

3 thoughts on “Real Relating”

  1. wow yeah…the charge…I guess it is all a part of a drama…He keeps casting his line out to catch me but I am not biting because I think I am recognizing that.…hmmm…interesting…it’s like the light has finally dawned on me that it’s always going to be a constant drama until I choose to step out…truth to tell I am sick of the drama and have been for awhile…it’s all his now.…
    I had to look around and see where I posted this last letter!
    Your site is great and so helpful to me
    Thanks so much

  2. Yes, this is very useful and you are right! Painful as it is.…we can’t change anybody and the longer it goes on the more it piles up until we start seeing through the illusion af what we thought we had and what we thought would happen and what we hoped would happen based on the belief that things will change according to our wish that he/she will finally see the light! Well POP goes this imaginary bubble once we realize that the same old everything is going to happen until WE SEE THE LIGHT!! Relationships have to be one of the toughest things we face in this life. For me, right now, it’s pure torture realizing that a 6 year relationship is coming to an end. I know I am growing in leaps and bounds through this. I wish I could just hate him and find it easy to be done with it all, but I am not like that. There is so much I am going to miss but there is so much more that I just can’t abide by anymore. So, I have to go with my heart for me now.…it’s taken me this long to care enough about myself to honor my true feelings…wow…what a ride…and I know a lot of it is based on fear…fear of going it alone in a third world country where because of this relationship I got way more complicated with Things that I wouldn’t have done on my own…so it’s all about simplifying my life now…day by day getting there.…it’ll be ok
    thanks for listening

    • I was reading something that OSHO wrote, where he differentiated two kinds of love. Using Buddha and Jesus as examples of one, he thought of their love as all encompassing, and therefore passionless. Ben & Jock say that charge goes when we no longer objectify the other, so, for example, chargy sex is only possible through objectification.
      OSHO said ‘normal’ love has a charge, and therefore is subject to yin/yang (my spin on his words…) so all relationships at this level are love/hate relationships. So, you DO hate him, if you ever loved him. Part of finding one’s centre is the total, non-judgmental acceptance of who we are, and that’s not just the parts of us (like loving) that we like. It’s also the parts we resist (like hating.) Once we stop judging ourselves for our feelings, we begin to find freedom. Of course, then you get to accept this range in others too, without judgement…


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