My Husband and My Pelvis

My Husband and My Pelvis — you are not a role, a relationship, or a thought. You are the totality of you — and especially what you experience


In This Moment

Well, 2012 is slowly coming to an end. and with it comes a time for reflection. Dar and I are working on our 2013 plans, which include another trip to Costa Rica (2 months this time) and the launch of my next book.

Over the next few issues, we‘ll share some of this with you!


my husband

It’s a difficult thing — learning to observe yourself playing games. And one of the hardest to catch, until you notice, is the myth of The Self.

Today’s title comes from a friend / client.

The quote comes from a few weeks ago, during our post-Bodywork chat.

The short version of her back story is that I’ve known her for 15 years or so. She’s attended our Workshops, and done a little therapy, and a lot of Bodywork. My goal has been for her to exit her head, and enter her body.

So anyway, during the chat, I made yet another pelvic reference, and devised a schema: her pelvis is tight, which has led to back issues, which have spread up her spine. She easily hurts her back.

Another friend recently described her as “brittle.”

She moves like someone walking on thin ice, and I guess that’s what her life appears to be like.

In addition to seeing me, she’s seeing a couple of other people who do other forms of body work.

qi blockOne spot bright red under moxa candle

So, here’s the pelvic stuff. A rigid pelvis is a blocked pelvis. To do the blocking, you have to “freeze” it, and you do that by tightening the muscles above the pelvis (mid back, see picture to the left, and stomach muscles) and by tightening the leg muscles.

For 15 years, I’ve been saying that she’s out of touch with her passion, and that she’s fixated on “doing her life right.” As in, being a “good” daughter, wife, friend, etc.

The muscular tension is her “safeguard” from being hurt. Except it doesn’t work. Tightness leads to increased tightness, all the time. And that leads to more guardedness.

Now, in talk therapy, I make the point that our stories are just that, and that they mean nothing. Unlike, say, a coffee cup, which is always a coffee cup, humans are processes. It is impossible to “be” something, like “good,” or “right.” Because such things are flexible and personal.

Anyway, for 15 years, I’ve been saying that she stop trying to please others (specifically, stop trying to imagine what others want of her) and to spend more time working on herself, by searching for, and feeling, her passion.

Which is a pelvic / lower back thing.

breathwork posture

In Breathwork, once you get the rhythm going (see: our website for directions) we add in a pelvic tilt. We do so to free the energy trapped in the region, so that you can actually feel it. My friend has done some Breathwork in our Workshops, and I made a mental note to add it to her next Bodywork session.

Here comes the quote!

So, we’re standing there, talking, and I say the above, and she sighs and says, “All three of you (her trio of body workers) say the same thing — I need to work on my pelvis.”

Me: “Great minds…”

She: “Of course, the three of you don’t think of my pelvis the way my husband does.”

I actually had a brain fart. Was speechless. And then I thought of it for this article.

Lots of issues here.

  1. she has no idea how I view her pelvis. Nor does she have a clue about the other 2 body workers.
  2. my husband” is a role, not a person.
  3. and I think this is the important one, I was talking about how she relates to her pelvis! Suddenly, we’re talking about 3 body workers and her husband!

Given the state of her pelvis, her husband is irrelevant

The issue for her is addressing her passion and sexuality and freedom and energy without reference to someone or something else. Interestingly, after she spoke, she said, “I need to do this more.” She put one hand on the small of her back and her other hand on her lower belly, and rocked her pelvis. Just like the pelvis rock in Breathwork.

OK, so here’s the upshot.

A couple of weeks later, we’re doing another Bodywork session. She’s on her back, and I get her to breathe, then add in the pelvic tilt. I worked on her belly.

Soon, her body started to vibrate a bit. She stayed with it for 10 minutes or so. Afterword, she said, “My whole body is tingling.”

I suggested that she keep doing Breathwork at home, and see.

The tingle lasted for 3 days.

This is the movement of Qi in the body, and it happens by getting out of your head and out of the way. It’s life energy, and is there all the time. That we don’t notice it — that it “goes background,” doesn’t mean it’s gone.

At the end of the day, the issue is NOT understanding stuff. Understanding is OK as a parlor trick, but shifting away from rigid definitions (and rigid bodies) means the freedom to experience.

My friend is a classic case of trying to understand, as opposed to letting herself live - feel, process, experience. This moment-by-moment alternative is not a replacement for thinking. It’s an alternative to ONLY thinking.”

You might want to consider using the last few weeks of 2012 to give your mind a little pat on the head, and to breathe into your body. See if you can feel your passion, locate your drive, or simply enjoy the charge of being alive.

Stop trying to figure yourself out

Let go of thinking, for a bit, or lat your thoughts flow. Let go of defining, blaming, getting caught in your head. Be appreciative for your thought processes, and recognize you have thoughts — you are not your thoughts.

Let yourself flow, let yourself be free, and drop the labels. No one’s son / daughter. No one’s husband / wife. Just play with being.


Make Contact!

So, how does this week’s article sit with you? What questions do you have? Leave a comment or question!

About the Author: Wayne C. Allen is the web\‘s Simple Zen Guy. Wayne was a Private Practice Counsellor in Ontario until June of 2013. Wayne is the author of five books, the latest being The. Best. Relationship. Ever. See: –The Phoenix Centre Press

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